My mum is in her final days

My mum is dying from cancer. She has all the signs of death approaching. I live and work far from my parents but managed to get 2 weeks’ leave to go home to say goodbye to my mum and support my devastated dad. The only thing I have been able to do at work today, has been to stare at my computer screen, feeling barely able to lift my hands. I feel incredibly guilty towards my employer, but am unable to do anything else while knowing that my mum’s clock is ticking slower and slower. So sad.

HI,Louise I have taken my Husband to the hospice this morning.We where told a few weeks ago he had about 3 months to live but you live in hope pushing it out of your mind.Yesterday he went downhill very fast and I sat with him all night in our home.
This morning he was taken to the Hospice and have been told just days…I am numb and cant stop shaking and crying.
I am so very sorry about your mum they are precious I lost my mum to cancer when I was a little girl.
I will be thinking about you and hope some how we can both get through this nightmare.
I will send you a hug love from Sue

Hello Louisa
So sorry to read of your distressing situation, I wish you strength.
Can the company you work for be a bit more accommodating to allow you to spend all the time you can with your Mum. I read they have been flexible in giving you time off already Your Mum’s need is far greater than theirs at this time. Warmest regards.

So sorry Sue to hear things have progressed in a negative way, I truly empathise and wish you strength at this time.

Hi Louisa,

I remember so clearly being in the same situation and being far away and unable just to return and be with my Dad. I remembered the moment I said goodbye to my mum but only later. She suffered so badly that I thought I would find a relief in her leaving and finding peace but it never came and that shocked me. I also found myself just existing sometimes without being aware how I was able too. I remember going for a walk on a beautiful day and thinking how all this could be so peaceful when my own space was dark. I think we just have to take each day as it comes and not be too hard on ourselves. I kept a notebook where I wrote to my mum. Sometimes as a letter sometimes just a rant. I did it mostly at bedtime and for just over a year not necessarily every day but when i` was overwhelmed. It helped. I haven’t reread it.

Be kind to yourself, tell yourself this is what it is and remember as many good times as you can and take it day by day. I was told that I had joined a group that I never chose to and its true, others can’t understand if they aren’t a member and I find myself forgiving less kind actions/words by remembering this.

Big hug. You’re not alone. x

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Thank you,Bob died this morning after a long battle with this disease.Both me and our children had popped in the Hospice to say Hi but we could tell straight away something had changed from last night.Yes you are right I thought it would be a relief for him and me because Im exhausted but it isn’t I cant believe I will never speak to him again. love from Sue

Sue, I’m so very, very sorry to read this sad news.

Thank you Tina xxx

Hi Louisa,

I was just wondering how you were doing, and whether you were now on your two weeks leave from work? I hope that you have managed to go back home and see your mum.

Thank you Susan. The thoughts you shared, brought me comfort. To all the kind member responses, I say thank you. My only, dearest Mummy died at 2:40 South African time this morning. I landed from the UK in our home town at 15:30 yesterday and feel very grateful that I had the chance to say goodbye and be with her until the very last moment when she closed her eyes and drew her last faint breath. Her face relaxed in peacefulness after being distraught from suffering moments before. She fought her battle against non-hodgkins B cell lymphoma so bravely to the end. Mummy you were the centre of my universe, the main character in my life story, you gave birth to me, you taught me everything I am, I do not know how to write the next chapter. I will do as so many of you advised, take one moment, one day at time. I love you Mum. Always…

Dear Priscilla, I made it just in time as per my post. I am not sure if my Mum recognized me because she was in a coma like state, but something in me tells me she did and she hung on to allow me to say goodbye to her. I held her hand and looked in to her eyes when she went. Everything in my life changed in that moment. She suffered greatly near the end in spite of heavy doses of morphine and what else. In the midst of a loss bigger than words, that is my only peace and comfort - that she is relieved from all suffering. She looked so beautiful at the end. Calm and at peace.

Hi, Louise Bob also had B cell N H Lymphoma that was in the spine but it travelled up to the brain and we knew he had no chance but we didn’t tell him and he lived in hope.
love Sue

Hi Louisa

Have been following your posts and am so glad you got to see your Mum again however sad the outcome. For me knowing i was with my Mum at the end has helped me over the months and I hope you will feel the same. My Mum was in a coma too and just slipped quietly away which sounds the same for you.

My thoughts are with you today and can only say be strong, you will need every ounce of it the coming weeks.

Mel
Xx

I’m so sorry for your loss. You have written such lovely words about your mum in your posts, how much she means to you really comes through.

The staff at our hospices say that, even if someone does not seem to be awake, they can often still hear what is going on, so your mum could have heard your voice and known you were there.

Now is a time to be kind to yourself and take the time that you need to grieve. This site is still here for you, and we have lots of others here who have lost a loved one, so do come back and post any time if you find that it helps.

I’m so sorry for all those effected writing on the forum, my Dad,my rock and my best friend has but days to live, he has battled asbestosis for five years, he now,(even though he is in great pain ) keeps apologising to me and my brother that he can’t fight it no more, he’s frightened of leaving us both, not of dying, it’s heartbreaking seeing him suffer, we’ve both told him how much we love him, and how very proud of him we are of him, and that he can let go now rather than suffer no more, I’m truly heartbroken he’s my all

Hi Dacman2212,

Welcome to the Sue Ryder Online Community. I’m so sorry to hear that your dad has been given days to live, and that he is suffering. It is good that you and your brother have been able to speak from the heart and say what you needed to say to him.

I’m glad that you have found this forum, and I hope it helps a little to share things here and read other people’s posts. You aren’t alone here.

It sounds as though you are doing all the right things to be there for your dad, but you might also find this information helpful:

What can I do to help when someone is close to death? - Information from Sue Ryder.

Being with someone who is dying - information from Dying Matters

Keep posting here if you find that it helps. We’ll be thinking of you.

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It’s such a horrid time and you never feel how you think you’re going to. I hope you have lots of people around to support you st this time as well. x

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