My sister was born on 6th July 1987 and died the next day 7th July. She was the youngest born in our house. I am 39 and my brother is 37. My mum never got counselling and over all the 32 years growing up it has become clear to me based on the state our relationship which can be very toxic at times and her negativity in every aspect of her life that she is as badly affected 32 years later as she was when it happened. On her anniversary this month she put a message on her calendar on her phone that the 7th July was the worst day her life and while she laughs on the outside she died on the inside back then. It makes me feel sorry for her bout i also feel myself and my brother are not and have never been important enough to still feel this way all these years later. She thinks the world is against her and has hardly a positive thing to say about anything in life and I often find it draining and bringing me down too. How can I help her or bring up the subject in the hope she accepts she needs to talk to someone professionally?
Hello Mazza
What a difficult situation you are all in, and for such a long time.
It is said that to lose a child is the most stressful thing in the world for a parent. You say your mum has had no counselling and you clearly feel this would have helped.
I lost my daughter almost a year ago, and I still have a brilliant loving son, but I don’t know where I would be without counselling, Compassionate Friends meetings, and talking about her constantly to dear friends. At times I wish I could go with her. It is not that I don’t value my precious son. It is just that I want to be out of this dreadful pain.
When a baby is born the love you have for existing siblings is not diluted; it grows. When you lose a child the love remains for that child and the siblings.
I know two siblings who feel the same way as you and they accept it but are resentful for their mum’s treatment of them.
I sincerely hope, as a family, you can find some way to get help with this.
Sending you hugs. Xx
Thanks for your response. I have 2 little boys so it doesn’t bare thinking about not having then. I lived at home until I was 25 and feel like I was controlled in everything I did. Now I have children I feel like she has tried to control the way in which I bring them up to the extent I recently had to go off work with stress and am currently seeing a counsellor. Instead of being angry I am starting to perhaps understand that maybe her controlling behaviour is out of fear of something bad happening. I am learning I can’t change her but can change how I react to thing that she says. I am making progress gradually and I think that since going off work with stress she now realises I can’t take anymore so we are rebuilding our relationship which will take time. I just need to figure out how to get her to go and speak to someone x
Dear Mazza,
Although nothing so traumatic as your sister’s death was involved, I have an inkling of the way you feel as my relationship with my mother wasn’t great as a result of various things that happened in her life. It still bothers me, years after she died, that we never resolved it.
Is there a friend who might be able to talk to her about this? One of the reasons we never talked properly was my fear of making things worse because I couldn’t step back from the situation. With age, I’ve seen ways I might have been able to talk to Mum but when she was still with us, I didn’t know how.
Is there someone you and your brother could talk to, so that you might be able to approach your mum without being overcome?
I truly hope that you can find a way to help your mum, your brother and yourself.
J xxx
I was only 7 when I happened so I have little memory of it to be honest. Over the years relationships with friends have broken down so she decided she didn’t need friends as she can’t trust people. That opinion mirrored me in that she said you don’t need friends as you can’t trust anyone. Recently I have come to realise that I am in desperate need of having friends and have now 2 close friends I have met through my son’s school. I have a relationship with my brother but not close to be able to talk about personal things. She got a tattoo a few years ago on her wrist under her watch strap of my sister’s name even though she doesn’t like tattoos just to feel like she has a permanent memory of her close to her. I just need to do some research into finding who she should talk to in order to get help. Thanks
Ah yes. Trust! Who can we trust? We must be guided by our individual intuition. You know, we trust people all day without realising. The mail man, the bus driver, the airline pilot, the garbage collectors and so on.
But the trust that really matters is that close trust that enables you to open up and release those emotions that cause problems.
You sound a very sensible lady. I am not being patronising, it’s a fact. When you say it may be your reaction to your mother rather than how she behaves shows a deep insight. It’s how we react to events in life that determines what effect they have on us.
Bereavement and grief and the emotions involved are so often beyond our control. We may be able to eventually accept them, but some pain will always be there.
You may be able to get her to go to a wise person who may help. But she has to be willing and that means accepting she has a problem that is affecting not just her but others. The realisation we have a problem that needs help is halfway to solving it.
This is an arduous and bumpy road we are on. A journey that we hardly ever expected. There is no alternative but to press on as our loved ones would have wanted. They don’t want us to be miserable because it makes them unhappy too.
Blessings and take care.
Hello Mazza
I lost a little daughter to cot death in 1982. She was 15 days old. Things were very different in those days and counselling as such was not readily available…it may well be that your mum has been struggling with her grief ever since. We are all changed by life’s slings and arrows and losing a child also causes a burden of guilt because we think we should always protect our children and even in circumstances beyond our control we feel responsible. Anyway I think it is very special that you realise that your mum might benefit from counselling now and if you are able to reach out to her and help the two of you may have the best relationship ever in the years ahead…I have never truly “got over” losing Kathryn and I know that many of the events that have happened in my life since then were partly resultant from her passing. How you go about raising the subject is difficult but perhaps you have to choose your moment and just tell her that you love her and are worried about her…you could even tell her about this site and encourage her to read the posts from other parents…I so hope you find a way forward and wish you and all your family well. x