My mum passed away a week ago - husband has lost any sympathy for me already

Hi
My mum passed a week ago we watched her die a very uncomfortable death she had terminal agitation and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
My husband has delveloped a cough/cold about 3 days ago and has been extremely un sympathic towards me since.
I feel I should stop grieving and look after him although I’ve got the same virus.
Have I had engouh time being upset should I be back to normal ?
Am I being selfish ?

There’s no time limit on grief, a week after…I doubt it’s even hit you yet. I’m three months in and still feel numb/shock. Grief is a strange thing, hits in different ways and different to each person. Look after yourself. I’m sorry about your husband’s behaviour, you are number one here, remember that and be kind to yourself.

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Hello Louise45, I am so sorry for your loss. It is very,very early days yet you will grieve for a long time to come. Don’t be too hard on your husband, I don’t think he is being unsympathetic towards you on purpose, I think it is because he does not know how to handle what you are going through. I and many others on this site have seen friends we have known for many years just vanish out of our lives once we lost our husbands, I don’t think they meant any harm just that they didn’t know what to say to us. People handle death in different ways, I sometimes think that they think it is catching.

You are both ill and at the moment haven’t the strength to deal with what has happened. Do you have a father, sisters, brothers etc. who you can talk to about what has happened.

Your mum only died a week ago so there is no way on this earth should you be expected to stop being upset or get back to normal, it will take a long time but you do need someone who also knew your mum to talk to. When someone has been part of your life for so long you are expected to grieve and grieve for as long as you want or need to, don’t listen to other people telling you to move on, you will move on when and if you are ready to but in many cases, like mine when I lost my husband just over three years ago, I have not moved on nor will I ever move on, even though our sons who are now in their mid 40’s have got on with their lives and think I have too, but I have got very good at hiding my feelings from them. I smile, laugh then when I am alone, I cry, not every night, but when I hear one of our songs or see one of his favourite TV programmes. It will be the same for you for a long time to come.

We should not have to be afraid of showing our tears for someone we have loved and lost, in your case all your life, in my case from being teenagers but we do because we don’t want to make other people feel uncomfortable.

I do hope you have family to talk to but if you don’t, we are always here to have a natter with because we understand what you are going through. We oldies in our late 70’s have not only lost our partners, we have also lost our mums, dads, grandmas, in fact all my family of the past have died and there is only me left so we do understand what you are going through.

Please take care.

Love Sheila xx

Dear Luise45
You are NOT being selfish whatsoever! Unlike some, I would go so far as to say it is your HUSBAND who is the selfish one! You have only just lost your mom, that is a massive event! Maybe your husband is simply being tactless, thoughtless or even jealous as your thoughts are obviously eleswhere. Of course, I don’t know him. But anyway, at the moment your priority is yourself, your own sanity and well being. I’m sorry to say there will probably be much grieving to come, so you MUST think of yourself right now. Having lost my own mom, I have felt my own world turned right upside down, and been prone to many ailments. I have had to learn to try and put myself first now, not always easy if you have family! Take care xx Debbie