My mum passed yesterday

Coping with bereavement
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Yesterday, my amazing brave mum passed away from a 3 week battle with pneumonia. Mum went peacefully at home.

Last night me, my wife and kids all stayed over at my parents home with my dad. My mum will love this - her whole world evolved around her little family. The home is a wash with family pictures and the happiest of memories.

My 9 year old son (Archie) is really upset - he was extremely close to his nana. Our 3 yr old son, Isaac, clearly doesn’t understand. He asked “where’s nana” and “when nana gets better will she come home”. It’s so heartbreaking.

I slept ok. I tried my best to control my thoughts. Some times they ran away with me without me even knowing, but once I realised, I tried to reel it in and clear my mind whilst I tried to sleep. It’s hard but I’ll keep trying.

This morning I felt today was going to be like climbing Everest - a huge challenge. A challenge I didn’t want to face. But then I started to think about mum and what she’d want me to do today.

First and foremost, make sure my dad is ok.

12.30pm, watch my favourite football team.

Afterwards go and visit my mother in law on her birthday, who has been amazing over the last 3 weeks and I know my mum will greatly appreciate the support received and would want us to be there for her today. Mum and Linda were really close.

And then this evening, more family time with a takeaway.

Today I think will be full of thoughts about my mum, tears, hugs and smiles. There will be times today that I expect us feel utterly horrendous, but we will help each other get through our first full day without the ‘button that holds our family together’ - my amazing mum.

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Minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. Thinking of you and we are here for you.
Nic

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@Hopleys,

My friend, you are so early on, this is all so raw. I am so sorry and send you loads of love. As @nicnic said, your friends here are all here for you. I remember looking out at the great void of time after my husband T, died. It was daunting, and I hobbled, crawled, stumbled through those early days and weeks. It has been hard. But here I am now, 3 months later. Upright. Mostly ok. Still in love with him as much as I always was. I am more accustomed to being alone - so in a way I can say it is easier. It is good you have your family there and together, you can talk about your mum, you can talk to her, seeking her guidance as you are doing. Hold tight, she will always love you, it will be ok.

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Do just as your mum would want and you will get through the trough days and always look after your dad. He will need you very much. Blessings sent you and all your family. Sxx

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Thank you @SusieM, @nicnic and @Vancouver for your kind, supportive words.

Yesterday I would describe as an ok day. Leaving mum and dads home in the morning was upsetting, but I went into mums living room and told mum what we were doing today and said it would be nice for her to be there with us.

We travelled 40 mins to my home. My dad lasted 15 mins and said he needed to go for a drive on his own. I was ok with this decision. I phoned him and he’d headed out to see a friend - a guy who lost his wife 4 years ago and who lives on his own. My dad then went back to his and mums home. He said it took him around 5 mins to turn the key and open the door. But when he stepped inside he said he found “tranquility”. He said he didn’t cry and felt very relaxed. I guess he just felt at home.

Whilst my dad had the afternoon away from me, I watched football and had a beer - the first beer I think I’ve had for 3 weeks. Then I went to my mother in laws for an hour or so. My wife found this hard and she cried several times. I comforted her and I got very upset too.

I met a friend for an hour in my local ale house and then returned home to meet my dad. My wife and kids came home at this point too. We had our takeaway and went to bed. I woke with a huge pain inside me and it took me ages to get back to sleep. This morning I just feel numb. It’s the 1/5 and I keep thinking that this time last month my mum was here and ok. I could easily drive myself mad with these thoughts, so I am trying to control them.

We are heading over to my parents home today for another sleep over - me, dad, wife and kids. It’s the village annual street market tomorrow and dad would like us all to go with him. My mum would like that. X

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Hi, you all seem to be taking this awful situation in your stride. Both myself and my sisters husband got a cat so we never come home to an empty house and a rescue cat gives you lots of love which we all need. Keep going and things will improve but be aware that at times grief hits you hard again.
Take real care of your dad. S xx

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I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s early days so your thoughts and feelings must feel like a volcano bubbling away.

I’m a little further into the journey of losing my mum but you’re doing the right thing by thinking of your mum and what she would say to you or want you to do.

Ryan

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@Hopleys, I’m so sorry for your loss, your mum would be so proud of you looking after your dad. Please look after yourself too, it a long emotional road ahead and family need each other to get through.
Debbie X X

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Thank you @Ryan82, @Debbie57 and @SusieM for your comments.

My dad has been staying over at our home and then during the afternoon he’s been going back to my parents home. He said he feels fine there, but at the moment he’s got some stuff to do that keeps him busy. We will find out this week if an offer he has put on a bungalow 5 mins walk from our home has been accepted. He doesn’t yet know where he wants to live, so he’s just trying to keep his options open and have some control of the situation.

Yesterday, I felt rubbish in the afternoon. Lethargic, pain in the body, upset at the slightest thing (kids and wife just giving me a hug - people being nice upsets me!). I met a friend for an hour (he lost his dad in Nov) and that just gave me some time out of our house. I then watched my son play football, which I enjoyed but I thought of mum a lot and how much I wished she could be with us. I’m sure she was in spirit. Mum wouldn’t miss anything that the kids did.

Last night, I was tired and fell asleep ok. But around 3am I woke having realised sub consciously that my mum won’t be with us at any future xmas’s. At that point my whole body just felt it had several knives going through it. The pain was awful so I had to get out of bed for 5 mins. It took me ages to get back to sleep as i was thinking about mum so much. I feel tired this morning.

We are meeting the funeral director today.

@Ryan82 when did your mum pass? If you have anything recommendations that have helped you, which you’re able to share, I’d love to hear them. At the moment I just feel that I’m going to feel pain and upset and intermittent sleep for the rest of my life.

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The feelings you talk about @Hopleys are completely normal part of grieving. Your mum is will always be an important part of your life. It’s a long road ahead, be kind to yourself and don’t do yourself down over your mixed up emotions, a good cry does us all good when you can’t speak the words you want to.
It will just take time. Thinking of you, your family and your dad as you begin this journey. :heart:
Debbie X

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Hi @Hopleys my Mum passed away on 14 March. She was the glue that kept the family together- although tbf we’ve pulled together well since.

I wish I did have recommendations- all I can say is the feelings you describe I relate to and they’re probably a normal reaction.

For me I focused on:

  • practical administration tasks so Dad didn’t have to do them
  • I took lead with funeral so I had something to contribute and felt in control
  • made sure my employer knew I wouldn’t be working until after the funeral

The loss is incredible and there’s still days where I feel lost myself. It does become easier to handle in time but there are definitely bumps along the way.

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One thing I’d add @Hopleys - sleep can be difficult in the early days. As I wasn’t working I just followed a practice of sleeping whenever I felt tired if I could. Whether that was in the night or day so at least I was getting some rest. You can’t do this forever but you can do it as a short term measure.

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