My mum took her life but she also abused me through mine, how do I process that?

My mum took her own life last year, she always struggled with her mental health and fairly so, she had been through a lot. My mum was a strong woman in many ways but weak in many others and often her weaknesses would come at my expense. My mum was physically mentally and emotionally abusive towards me, she was violent manipulative and malicious, she was also warm kind and could light up a room with her laugh. I’ve been coping best I can and I’m waiting for therapy or any kind of professional help but I’m left on waiting lists. My mums one year anniversary is coming up and the panic attacks won’t stop. I guess I’m just here to see if anyone else can understand what I’ve experienced or am experiencing?

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Hello @Alias ,

I can see that you’re new to the community, so I wanted to say that I am so sorry for the loss of your mum that brings you here.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that may help right now.

Another good place to get support is Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide - 0300 111 5065

Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.

Take care,


I am very sorry for your loss, and unfortunately do not have the same experience with my Dad’s death, but would like to reassure you that you are not alone and it is natural to be confused. I cannot imagine how difficult it must be to grieve someone who was so close to you and warm but also who hurt you profoundly. Waiting lists are awful but i would recommend calling a helpline such as samaritans when you are feeling overwhelmed, they will listen to all your emotions and offer support.

Hey, sorry about your mum, that really sucks.
I’m going through something similar, my mum was an amazing person but an awful mother. She emotionally abused me, always made me feel on edge and in danger, a part of me wished she died for years.
Now that she has I don’t know how to process it.
It’s hard and really confusing, there are times where I feel such intense guilt that I don’t feel bad she died, I feel bad that I never got to have a caring mum and now never will.
You’re not alone, it’s a pretty awful thing to go through <3

Hello @Alias and @Izzy07,

I am so sorry to read about the abuse you have experienced from your mums. It is very brave of you to share this with the community. I can see that @Alex has shared some support for people bereaved by suicide that I hope you can look at, @Alias.

I also just wanted to share this link with you in case it is helpful. The National Association for People Abused in Childhood have help and support for survivors on their website. They also have a support line you can call on 0808 801 0331.

I do hope that these resources are something you will consider exploring.

Please take good care and keep reaching out,