My Mum was my best friend

Losing a parent
21

That’s good to hear that you don’t feel like you need anti-depressants at the moment. I have been on them once in the past decade, I really try to avoid them, but life is so meaningless these days I just had to try something in case I feel worse.

It can be very difficult when you lose that person who is always there for you. Like your mum, my dad was always there, but over the past few years, with his poor health, I got used to him not being there for me as he could barely look after himself. The loss you will feel of not having your mum when you need something will be immense, hopefully your partner and family, and people on this forum, will be able to help you, it won’t be the same, but what can you do?

Are your yoga classes online or do you go to a club? Some women on “Missing mum” were discussing yoga, and they missed not being able to go to their classes. Thanks for the app tip, I tried a similar one before and it didn’t really help much but we have to keep trying different things, because we never know which might work for us.

Hope you have a nice evening.

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Hi Abdullah,

I found out yesterday that I didn’t get the job I was waiting to hear back about. I got really upset, it was between me and one other candidate… I just felt like giving up. Maybe I should give myself a break from the job hunt? I’m not sure if I’m able to cope with it at the moment. I’d applied for that job before my mum passed away so was just following it through. But at the same time waking up with nothing to fill my day is so hard. I feel scared about the future. Are you working at the moment?

I go to a local yoga class, they also do remote streaming classes. It’s the only thing I can think that could help me right now. They play music at the end and it always makes me cry now. I feel like my heart is broken.

I am seeing my counsellor this afternoon. It helps to have someone to talk to. I have my Dad but he doesn’t like to talk about Mum or how he’s feeling. My Aunty (mums sister) lives nearby and she is a good support, I guess she’s the closest thing to a mum I have now. I feel like she feels similar to how I’m feeling. My brother is busy with his family, he has 2 young children. I think he mostly feels numb still. I can’t help but feel like I am alone in this pain, me and my mum were so very close. The bond we have is so strong. I feel like a part of me is missing.

I hope you are feeling ok today.

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Hi Jade, I am sorry you did not get the job, but well done for getting to the final stage. It is understandable that you’re feeling sad, and upset, because the job was probably something that you felt might help you cope, as it would bring some structure to your life, and maybe keep you busy. But at the same time, you are correct, maybe it is too early at the moment, you might not be ready to go back to work full-time, so who knows, it could be a blessing? Yes, it is quite awful when you wake up and have nothing to do, it’s scary, my landlord has been renovating the room next door and the kitchen all summer, he is a builder, so it’s just been great having him around and you can hear the noise, today he is off working somewhere else and the house is quite and that makes my depression worse, I talk regularly to three housemates, the guy in his 50s is at work, the woman in her 50s has broken up with her boyfriend and is sad in her room in the attic, and the woman in her late 30s who works at Sainsburys found out yesterday that her mum has cervical cancer and so she’s really stressed and now I have to try and be there for her, as well as worry about my mum who lives alone, and so it all gets really stressful. No, I haven’t worked for a few years now, I work in IT and as technology changes very fast it would be difficult to just go back and start off my career where I left off, there’s a friend from university who started his own company, I can contact him and ask him to employ me on a voluntary basis so I can get my skills updated on the job, but I am not ready to contact him, at the end of the day, even if he is a friend and I am not getting paid, I still want to do a good job and at this moment my mental health won’t allow it, maybe next month. Have you considered volunteering in a shop, like a charity shop? Is that something you might like? They’re very flexible, and you can go in whenever you like.

How is your aunty doing? Does she have someone to talk to apart from you? I am glad you at least have one another and can understand each other’s grief. Your brother probably copes by just being busy with his family. Yes, your mum was very close to you, and it must really hurt. I was reading a post by another woman who lost her mum, she said they were like peas in a pod, that’s what you and your mum seemed to have been like, you might also like to post in “Missing mum” as people there talk about their mums, and they will understand just how you feel.

I hope your appointment with the counsellor goes well and you feel a bit better.

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Hi Abdullah,

I’m glad that you have people around you to talk to, that definitely helps. I’m so sorry to hear about your housemate’s Mum - that’s so awful. But she is lucky to have you to talk to, from talking to you on here I can tell that you would be a great support to her.

I was up early today with terrible anxiety and crying. Luckily I went back to sleep but woke up and cried again… not only am I grieving for my Mum but I am very worried about my job situation and feel so uncertain about the future. It’s hard to know if trying to get a job is the right thing for me to be doing at the moment - maybe it’s too early but at the same time not having one gives me so much anxiety. My Mum was a volunteer at a Charity shop for the last 10 years, she loved it - she was really good friends with the manager there. She really wants me to help out there too as she knows I’m not working, I’m not sure if it will make me sad working there as it reminds me of my Mum so much. Maybe I should give it a try.

I hope you are doing ok today

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Hi Jade, I hope you’re having a better morning today, I shall write a proper response tomorrow. Take care.

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Hi Jade,

Hope you are having a better day today. These days it is very difficult for me to get up in the mornings, usually I am up after noon, today I managed to get up and am doing some emails before I will go back to bed for an hour or so. I really hate getting up late, the day feels wasted, but I am just trying to give myself some time, I think sometimes we just need to take things easy for a few days, hopefully I will get back into the normal routine soon.

Is your partner back from his holiday? Do you think it helps having him at home? I wish I had a partner, I think it would help me, when I wake up, then again, maybe it won’t, maybe I would feel under pressure to get up and do things if I was living with someone else, unlike now, where I can stay in bed and no one says anything.

That’s great that your lovely mum volunteered at that charity shop, but I know what you mean. Is there some other charity shop you could volunteer at? Or maybe if you did volunteer where your mum did, it would be ok after a few days, and if it wasn’t, at least you know the manager well and would feel comfortable just telling her it isn’t working, and not feel obliged to carry on. Really don’t know, I hope you manage to work it out.

Tale care for now.

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Hi jade
I’m sorry I have just seen your post asking how I am.
I’m ok, plodding along, thinking about my mum all the time and still just trying to process the fact she has gone.
I hear her voice in my head as if it’s just a few days since I last heard it, yet she has been gone nearly 25 months.
I know that all death is awful, but losing our mums suddenly like that is horrific. Of course I’m grateful that I didnt watch her deteriorate with some disease over weeks or months, but there was no preparing ourselves for this was there? One minute there, the next gone.
How are you coping jade? Still such early days for you.
Cheryl x

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She has been gone nearly 15 months not 25

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Hi @C1971 and @Abdullah,

I hope that you have both been doing ok.

I’m still finding things really difficult. But I am quite surprised how each day is different, some days the pain is so awful I cry most of the day, whereas other days I manage to get through without crying.

I’m still trying to find a job, at the moment the company which made me redundant have a similar role which I am applying for - although I didn’t actually like my job or the company it may be a good option for me at the moment as at least it will be similar to my old job and not as daunting as starting in a new place.

Sometimes I can’t believe how my life is right now, I was already struggling before my mum passed away, now she has gone I feel I have the world on my shoulders. I think I am still in disbelieve about what has happened. How can she be gone? It just doesn’t seem real. It is so hard to find the words. Life feels empty, and I feel so alone. Although I am thankful to have an Aunty living nearby (my mums sister ) who has been a great support, I don’t know what I’d do without her.

My boyfriend gets back from Turkey tomorrow, he’s been there for the last 2 weeks. I’ve been staying at my parents house with my Dad. So I’ll be going back to my flat to stay with my boyfriend once he’s back. It may be good for me to spend some time away from my parents place as it feels so empty without my Mum - she loved her home and you can feel her presence everywhere there. It is a comfort and painful at the same time. I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 6 years, and although he’s a lovely person we have been having troubles with our relationship. Actually the last conversation I had with my Mum was about our troubles. But I know that now is not the right time to be breaking up with him.

I have been reading quite a lot about grief.
‘healing after the loss of your mother’ was quite helpful. Also, ‘it’s ok that your not ok’…

I would like to find a local support group to meet other people like yourselves but I’m not sure if they are operating in the current climate.

Anyway I’m sorry I’ve just rambled on here.

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Hi All,
I lost my Mum in June last year and can’t get my head around it at all. She was my best friend, we spoke 4-5 times a day and saw each other everyday. Myself and my husband moved back in with my Parents in April last year as my Mum had COPD and my Dad was struggling to cope plus it was just nice being there to spend more time with them both. During our time there, Mum’s breathing got worse and she struggled to get up and even walk to the toilet but was seeing the consultant and we were managing her medication, always thinking it would improve. Sadly due to the fact she couldn’t get around, she developed problems with her legs, which seemed to be an infection. We called the district nurses out and they came everyday to dress them and treat them. Mum started to talk strangely and get very confused so on the Saturday we again mentioned this to the new district nurse that came and she recommended that Mum go to Hospital, she really didn’t want to go but we all thought it was for the best. The ambulance was called at 4pm on Saturday and it eventually turned up on Sunday at 6am, she was so tired. She went to Hospital and Dad stayed with her all day, she didn’t want us to go until she was settled a bit. I went on Monday and spent the day with her coming home at 5pm as Dad said go and get some food. She was very distressed but had really calmed down and was just sleeping. I called the Hospital at 9:30pm to check how she was doing and they said she was fine and quiet, resting. We were woken up at 7am from a call from the Hospital asking us to come straight away as she had taken a turn for the worse. When we got there we couldn’t go in straight away as the doctors were in with her, when we could she was I guess in some kind of coma and wasn’t responding, with lots of tubes etc… the doctors called us in and said it was unlikely she would make it through the day and that she had developed sepsis however it wasn’t unheard of that she couldn’t recover, I held on to that all day, every little movement, I’d say to Dad, see she is going to be ok. At 2pm, I decided to go meet my Husband in the cafe and grab a sandwich for Dad. We were gone 20 mins, we walked back into the ward and my Dad came out from behind the curtain and said I think Mum’s died. It was all so quick and unbelievable. Since then it has been like groundhog day, I get up I cry, I get through an hour and cry again and so on. I can’t explain how much I miss her, I just want to see and speak to her. I’ve gone through so many different stages, guilt, anger, sadness and it’s like a never ending loop. I joined a bereavement group in March but sadly due to lockdown could only go once, but it did make me feel a little better to talk to people who were going through the same thing, so decided to join this group. Sorry I’ve gone on a bit!

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Hi Kate, you don’t need to apologise for going on, you didn’t, and this forum only works if people can talk about how they feel.

It’s very sad to read that like Jade and Cheryl you miss your mum so much because she was your best friend. It’s so difficult when we lose a parent who we were so close to, isn’t it? How is your dad coping? Is he still living with you and your husband?

Do you have any support other than your husband and dad? Someone who you can just talk to without worrying about upsetting them? I find I cannot talk to mum about dad much these days because I just don’t want to burden her, but thankfully I have one friend who I speak to on the phone about once a week, and I can talk to him a bit about how I am feeling as he has had mental health problems in the past and understands what it can be like to suffer.

It’s sad that your bereavement group has closed down for the time being, as they can really help us to just get out and talk to people who are going through the same pain as us. The next best thing is this forum, I guess, it isn’t the same, but it does help many people, even if it is just a bit. If things don’t get better than maybe you could try Sue Ryder’s free online bereavement counselling if that might help you? Or if you’re not yet ready for that, then please do keep posting here.

@Jade7, I will reply to your post tonight, please do not think I am ignoring it.

Hope you both have a better day today.

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Hi Kate,

I’m so sorry to hear that you are suffering so much. I know what you are going through in that I was so close to my Mum, she was such a huge part of my life. It’s hard to imagine life ever feeling complete again or that we will ever feel happy again. I don’t think it is something that we will ever get over, rather learn to live with. That’s what I’m hoping anyway…

My beautiful Mum passed away suddenly and without warning 7 weeks ago tomorrow. I know what you mean when you say you can’t get your head around it - it it something which I am struggling to accept and come to terms with. It just doesn’t seem real, I can’t believe that this has happened. It is utterly surreal.

I’ve been reading quite a few books on grief, I have found some comfort in them. “Healing After the Loss of Your Mother: A Grief & Comfort Manual” was quite helpful as I could relate to a lot of it. Maybe you would find it helpful? It’s such a shame that there are no support group meetings at the moment - meeting other people that are going through similar experiences sounds like it would be really helpful. In the mean time at least we can talk to each other here and support each other that way. I know that nothing can really ease the pain but it’s good to tell other people how we are feeling.

Jade x

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Hi @Jade7,

I hope you’re doing a bit better this week than you were previously, but if not, that’s ok, these things often just take time, don’t they? All we can do is take it day by day and hope and pray that one day things will get better.

You’re correct that each day can be different, not only each day, but sometimes each hour, where one moment we’re coping ok, and the next, we’re not. People who are further down this journey of grief often talk about waves, and that’s what it is, and sometimes it seems like we’re drowning, and everything just seems so bleak and hopeless.

It is good you have your aunty, sometimes having that someone who we know is there for us can make the difference between coping and having a total breakdown. How is she doing?

That is good that your boyfriend is back, and I am sorry to hear things haven’t been that great for you. I am also sorry that you do not have your mum anymore to ask for relationship advice. That is very sad. Who knows, maybe things with your boyfriend will improve, maybe your loss and your suffering will make him work harder in making your relationship work, he is after all a nice guy as you say.

Did you heard back from your previous employer? Is the role temporary or permanent? Maybe it would be best for you to go to a company and job that you know well, as you say, it won’t be as daunting as starting in a new place where you don’t know anyone and there might be more pressure on you.

Yes, it would be nice to have local support groups. I have been talking to a guy on here and we shall meet up some time in future, he lost his parents when he was young and has struggled his entire life, I look forward to meeting him for a coffee when I am ready to meet people again as I don’t think anything can replace that face to face human interaction, but until then I guess this is the next best thing.

Take care for now.

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Hi k8paz
I also lost my mum very suddenly in june 2019 and 15 months later I cant get my head round it.
Like you, my mum was my best friend and the loss of her in my life in indescribable. Every day is the same . I get up, i work, i look after my daughter, I look after the house. But I never look forward to anything and I rarely smile.
I miss my mum so much. It’s a permanent pain in my heart and chest. I understand how you feel as do alot of people on this forum.
Cheryl x

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Hi jade
My partner and I are solid but pu6r relationship has been severely tested since my mum died. You arent alone. I hope you get the job you have mentioned. It may not be a long term prospect but could be good to distract you. I took 4 months off work when mum died so dont rush into it if you can afford not to. Do what feels right for you. I dont know about support groups other than those for widows/widowers
If you have a local Facebook page you could ask? Anything like that probably wont be meeting during current times though x

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Thank you Abdullah. I am sorry about the loss of your Dad, it is such a hard thing to go through. I understand you not wanting to talk to your Mum as I feel the same about my Dad, I don’t want to upset him any more than he already is, he is one of the old school dads, where showing feelings is difficult for him.
My Husband has been amazing and I honestly couldn’t have done this without him, I am very lucky. I do have good friends and work family but I feel like it’s all I talked about for such a long time that they must be bored (although no-one has ever indicated that), just how I feel I guess.
Thanks so much for replying to my message. I think this group may help a lot :slight_smile: x

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Thank you Jade, I am really sorry about the loss of your Mum, you are doing really well talking about it so soon and I hope this helps you. I will definitely try the book, as it does help to know people are going through the same thing and that you are actually not losing your mind as you don’t know what is normal. Not that anything is as we all handle grief differently and have different stories. Always here if you want to chat :slight_smile: x

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Hi Cheryl,
Thanks for replying, I do totally understand where you are coming from, I feel exactly the same way. It does feel like we will never be happy again, I can’t imagine a day where I will ever feel any differently. People always say it gets better in time, but it certainly hasn’t for me yet. I look at her photo and just can’t believe I will never see her again or hear her voice.
Take care and always here for a chat!
Kate x

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I cant even look at my mums photo. I could at first but all it does is show me how long I’ve been without her yet how recent it feels since she was here x

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To everyone, someone sent me this not long after Mum had died and I would really like it to be true:
Something I heard about grief a while ago that stuck with me – it starts off like you’re carrying a boulder around with you. Everywhere you go, everything you do, you’ve got this boulder weighing you down.
But then gradually over time it wears away till it gets smaller and smaller. You still carry it round everywhere, but you can carry other things at the same time.
Then it becomes small enough to put in your pocket – you’ve still got it all the time, but it doesn’t dominate your entire life and occasionally you forget you’re carrying it.
Eventually it becomes a pebble that’s always in your pocket. Most of the time you get on with things without noticing it, but it’s always there, and you’re even glad it’s there, as sometimes you want to take it out of your pocket to hold it and remind yourself.

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