My Mum was my best friend

I lost my Mum one month ago. I was at my parent’s house visiting the day it happened. She seemed perfectly healthy and full of life, the next thing I knew she was shouting for help from the pain in her chest and soon after lost consciousness and stopped breathing. I called the ambulance and the person on the phone guided me through giving her chest compressions. The paramedics arrived and tried for an hour but couldn’t revive her, I held her hand when they finally gave up… we now know that she died from a ruptured aneurysm in her heart - there was no way of knowing and nothing we could have done. She was 72.
My Mum was my best friend. We had a very close mother and daughter bond which I will always be grateful for, but losing her has been the worst thing that I could ever imagine.
I was furloughed at the start of lockdown (and was made redundant today) and to keep each other sane we would see each other most days, sometimes I would just visit my parent’s house, other days we would go for long walks. I can’t imagine life without her. I think the shock of losing her so suddenly is making it harder for me to come to terms with what has happened. She was my foundation in life and I feel so scared.
I’m sorry to anyone reading this as you are probably also going through this kind of grief, I hope that we can offer advice and support to each other xxx


Hi Jade,

It is so sad to read about the passing of your lovely mum, especially the way that it happened. Life can be so cruel, in an instance a happy day became the worst imaginable day for you. How is your dad? I hope he’s ok and coping as well as he can.

Losing your parent when they are your best friend can be very difficult, it is four months since my dear dad left, and it is still such a struggle. To make things worse for you, you have been made redundant, which is what you probably did not need.

There are unfortunately others here who lost their mums all of a sudden, so they should be able to help you the help and support that you need. You don’t need to apologise for writing your post, this place is all about letting people talk about their grief and being there for them. Please continue to post and you will get the help from people who have been in a similar situation to you.

Hi Abdullah,

Thank you for your message, I’m so sorry that you lost your Dad. You say it’s been 4 months - do you feel that the pain has eased at all? I know everyone’s grief is different, and 4 months isn’t really very long.

My Dad seems to be doing ok, mentally he is quite a strong person. He doesn’t show much on the outside but I’m sure he is heartbroken too.

I know there is a long road ahead and I pray that my Mum will give me the strength to get through this - I still feel her with me and know that I always will.

Hi Jade,

Thank you for your kind words.

You’re totally correct that everyone’s grief is different. For me, I would say in many ways I am worse off after four months then I was before. I think early on there’s so much going on, that the stress is more, but now, even though the stress is less, the despair is in many ways worse. I feel drained. Totally. Hopefully when I get back into work it might take my mind off things, and that’s why I was a bit worried that you have been made redundant, as I worry how that might affect you. Hopefully it won’t.

Your mum was your best friend, my dad was mine. Just not having them in your life really hurts, as you sadly now know. All we can do is be there for each other and hopefully things will some day get a bit better, and it is good that you are here, as I think talking to those whose parent died suddenly might really help you to try and cope with that grief. @C1971 is someone who sadly lost her mum suddenly and she is very helpful, just adding her here in case she misses your post, because I know she would like to help you.

Hi jade7,
I lost my best friend, my mum, last june to a sudden bleed on the brain. She was 74.
A year a 2 months down the line and loss is enormous.
I went out for lunch with my partner today. I just started crying out of nowhere. My mum lived with us and was the life and soul of the house. Really funny and entertaining, she looked after my daughter while we worked and brought a happiness to this house that died the day she did.
We have lost our mums too young and we will be changed forever. I completely understand the shock and pain you are going through.
Cheryl x

Abdullah. I just posted then noticed you mentioned me!

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Thank you Abdullah, I’m sorry that you are feeling so much pain right now. I hope that it will help you once you are back at work. I have found things hard since being furloughed in March and now being made redundant, I was already struggling a bit and my Mum was my anchor that kept me going. I’ve actually managed to have some job interviews over the past few weeks and got to a final stage with one - waiting for the result now! Fingers crossed. But also wondering when I should actually consider going back to work as the pain is still very raw.

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Hi C1971,

Thank you for your message, I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your Mum. I think it’s so much harder when your she was such as huge part of your life, as mine was too. My Mum was also full of life, always smiling and laughing, I love her more than I can say. It’s hard when I hear that this feeling can last for so long… I hope that you manage to have some better days in between the waves of grief. Life will never be the same or feel complete without our Mums.
I just read a book which I found to be quite helpful,
‘Healing After the Loss of Your Mother: A Grief & Comfort Manual‘ by Elaine Mallon, I could relate to a lot of what she was saying and found some comfort from it.

Sending you love a support
Jade x

Hi jade,
I’m sorry that I cant show you that things get better. I often wonder when I post if I’m wrong to show people how much I still grieve, over a year down the line.
The truth is that I dont think things will ever get better than this for me. My mum was a massive part of my world and I assumed I would be well into my 60s when I lost her. I was 48. But i had already lost my dad to a sudden heart attack when i was 27 and he was 53.
Even though i have a 13 year old daughter and a loving partner, my mum was everything. My best friend, my company, my go to person, my comfort. She had been with me my whole life, yet my partner and daughter have only been in my life 13 years.
I worried about losing her every day and then the nightmare became real.
I still dont accept it and I havent cond to terms with it.
But I can promise you, jade, that it does get easier.
The rawness subsides. I no longer wake up expecting her to be in the kitchen making a cup of tea. I no longer think it’s her calling when my phone rings.
You do get used to them being gone.
You are only a month down the line. I had 4 months off work I was so distraught.
It’s still such early days for you. Just take things one day at a time. X

Hi Jade, please do not be put off that four months later I am still struggling or that more than a year later Cheryl still finds it very difficult. There are other people who have coped better, and as Cheryl says, it does get easier, and hopefully it will for us.

I agree that it might be difficult going back to work so soon, but at least you have been keeping busy with the interview process. Do they know about your mum? Hopefully if they do offer you the job they will do so knowing that you might need some time off if your day is really bad.

I’m glad you found this post Cheryl, I knew you would reply if you saw it but I added you in case you missed it, because I felt Jade could really do with your help.

Always glad to chat to anyone who has lost their mum abdullah. Or dad for that matter.
I dont post much on the other forums.
I know that we all knew we would lose them one day, but I never dreamt that my mum and dad would only be 53 and 74. And I’m sure jade never dreamed her mum would only be 72.
Jade…Chat away whenever you want. This site saved me in my darkest days when I couldn’t imagine how I was going to continue breathing without my mum x

Thank you both… I will try to take one day at a time. I also have a book which I write to my Mum in every day, I feel it helps me feel like I can still talk to her somehow. Recently I’ve found the mornings the most painful - the feeling of loss then is unbearable. I’m actually abroad at the moment (where my boyfriend is from, staying with his family), my boyfriend had booked this trip a long time ago and I wasn’t planning on coming but he didn’t want to leave me on my own… I thought the change of scenery might do me good but I feel worse since I’ve been here, maybe I just need to be at home right now I’m familiar surroundings and where I can be close to my Dad, Brother and Aunty. I’m planning to book an earlier flight home x

Hi jade
When my dad died I went off to Florida on a 2 week holiday that had been booked for over a year. I hated being away from my mum (this was 22 years ago) and just couldnt wait to be back with her.
I completely understand you wanting to be back home. You have to go with what’s right for you. I personally don’t speak to my mum or write to her. I would be accepting she had died if I did that. Its sounds silly because I know she has but I almost carry on with my life like she hasnt died. It’s the only way I can cope. I also cant look at photos but I know others can

Hi Cheryl, I guess we all have our own ways of coping… I’m going home on Saturday now, I think it will be a relief not to be staying with someone else’s family. It’s horrible how grief can affect things, I find I’m jealous that my boyfriend still has a mum, and even a granny who also lives here who must be in her 90s. Seeing them all laughing and being happy together is quite painful.
I’m a bit concerned that I’ll either have to stay in my flat on my own, or at my parent’s house… my mum’s room is still as she left it. I go and sit there sometimes to feel close to her. X

Hi Jade, when I was a teenager I had really bad depression, so I would often go out in the hope that it might make me better, but would often feel worse, it was so frustrating, if you stay at home you’re just depressed at home all day with nothing to do, if you go out, you’re still depressed and anxious and just want to come home, so I am really sorry that you have felt worse on your trip, hopefully you will feel better when you’re back because you will be less anxious and in your normal surroundings surrounded with family.

It’s good you have things that you do that help you cope, and taking things day by day, or even hour by hour, is a very good idea, at this moment in time your focus should be on the present and not how you will feel after a few months, and hopefully, with the help of your family and by getting into some sort of work routine, you will start to feel a bit better in a few months. In the meantime, keep posting here whenever you need to.

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Hi Abdullah,

I also have suffered with depression, and I know what you mean, I’m sure I will still feel sad when I’m at home but at least I feel I will have more things to do and be able to see my family and talk about my Mum. I feel a little bit better so far today in that I haven’t cried yet, maybe it’s the thought of going home tomorrow. I have been seeing a counsellor for the past 6 years so seeing her once a week has also been a help.

I hope that you are feeling ok today x

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Hi Jade, so sorry to hear you have had mental health problems in the past, it can certainly make grief more complex, it is great you have a counsellor you can trusy who helps you, yes, hopefully coming home will make you feel less anxious, hope your journey home is ok. Hugggsss.

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Hi @Abdullah and @C1971, how have you both been doing?
I’m glad I decided to come back home, it feels much better to be around other people that knew and loved my Mum. I’m not doing so good this morning. Sometimes I still can’t believe she isn’t here anymore. I miss her so much. I am still waiting to hear back about the job I applied for, getting quite frustrated as the recruiter won’t answer my calls… I’m feeling quite sorry for myself today. I don’t understand why life has been so cruel.
My Mum suffered from depression most of her life (thankfully she was ok for the last 10/20 years), and she tried to take her own life twice when I was around 11 years old. I try and be grateful that she survived and went on to live a happy life… My Dad was an alcoholic throughout my childhood which was horrific to live with, he ended up in hospital with liver failure and close to death around 10 years ago and thankfully stopped drinking after that. So eventually my parents found peace and happiness together and it was like a miracle to see them like that. So I ask myself have we all not suffered enough? My Mum deserved to die peacefully of old age. Life can be so hard, I struggle to find the meaning to any of it when it is so full of suffering. I know I should try and be grateful for what I have… But I have no job, my boyfriend is a lovely person but sometimes I think our relationship isn’t that great. All my friends have kids and I feel they are all too busy with their own lives now.
I’m sorry this has been a big self-pity rant. Just felt I needed to vent.

Hi @Jade7, glad to hear that you’re back and felt better. Was going to message you to ask how you were, but then thought that maybe you’re still not well after your journey, and so thought it might be better to let you post first. I had a few very bad days, stayed in my room for two days, didn’t go out, but did manage to go out yesterday, so have to try and forget the bad days and just take each day as it comes. It’s the only way, My housemate said she is worried about me as I am losing weight, it was nice to know that she cares.

So sorry to hear that your mum suffered from depression. So have I since my teenage years, and I am grateful that I have had such loving parents and good doctors to help me through. Your mum’s generation sadly had very little help when it came to mental health, your poor mum did incredibly well so survive, you should be so proud of her. You have your own depression, and sadly your mum’s death has made it worse. I have had to go back on anti-depressants, I did not want to, but felt I should, I don’t know whether they will help, but at least I felt I have done something.

You should not apologise for feeling sorry for yourself. This site doesn’t work if we are not allowed to say how we feel. You have suffered a devastating loss, and you have every right to feel sad at the problems in your life. I am sorry you are a bit unsure about your relationship, that can happen. Relationships after bereavement can be difficult, it worries me how I will find someone and settle down, that’s why it is probably best to just take things one day at a time. Although it’s difficult, isn’t it, because uncertainty can make us even more anxious, and like you, there’s a lot of uncertainty in my life, around relationships and work. Yes, we should be grateful for the time we got to spend with them, at the same time, I don’t think we’re ungrateful that we didn’t get more time, we just miss them so much. Maybe in time you will be able to look back and just feel happy your parents managed to make their marriage survive and your mum made it to her 70s, despite her depression, but at this moment in time you’re perfectly entitled to feel really sad that they didn’t get as much time together as you wanted them to, and please

Good to hear from you Abdullah, I’m sorry that you had a bad few days. It’s good that you went out yesterday though and that you have a housemate who cares about you. Yes I must also try and take each day as it comes, although I always feel sad and my Mum is always on my mind I do find that some days are better than others.

I’m glad that you feel like the antidepressants are working slightly, I think that it’s ok to take them if you feel you need that extra bit of help. I can thankfully say that I don’t feel like I have depression at the moment, I came off antidepressants last year and although I find life hard I don’t have that feeling of despair, or lack of personality as I’ve suffered from in the past. I hope that I can keep my head above the water now that my Mum has gone, she was an anchor of support in my life that I can never replace.

I just find this aimless existence with nothing to do very hard. My mum kept me going since I stopped working, we would go out for outings and long walks together to get out of the house. Now she isn’t here and I feel so alone. I know it’s a cliche but I just want everything to be normal again, with a job to go to every day and my Mum who I can visit. Life is so empty.

I have started to go back to my yoga classes which helps me, and also gives a bit of structure to my day. At night I listen to guided meditations to help me sleep - the ‘Insight Timer’ app is free and I find it really good, maybe you should try it, there are lot’s of meditations for grief. If you search ‘Yoga Nidra for Grief’, I find that one comforting.