Lost my mum 6 weeks ago after a short battle with cancer . We were really close , holidayed together , hung out together , shopping and trips etc . We are a large family but me and my mum were always together. I helped looked after her during her illness , hosp app, chemo , had to be taught to administer injections , tube feeding etc it was all very intense but she’s my mum I wanted to do it , I owed her that . Anyway I’m about to return to work and feeling very mixed emotions , I dont want to go back , I feel it’s like accepting and moving on . I miss her so so much , the small stuff , popping in , picking up the phone , nipping to the shops etc … how do I stop the feeling of guilt when I do things now that I used to do with my mum ? It’s like I’m ok to do them (to others ) but I’m not , inside it hurts me so bad that I’m doing them without her … anyone else experience this ? I feel guilty that I’m doing them now .
Hello, sorry for the grief journey you’re now on after the loss of your mum. It sounds like you had a lovely, close relationship. There are no easy answers or solutions to what you’re facing. There are so many mixed emotions in grief, feeling guilty and moving forward without your Mum physically is part of that. Sadly there’s no going back so we have to go on and painfully learn how to adapt to a life without our Mums. Mine died unexpectedly back in January and I am still trying to pick up the pieces of my life. I went back to work after 5 weeks although I didn’t feel like it, but it did provide a structure to my days. Reading other posts on this forum might be helpful as you’re certainly not alone in what you’re experiencing. Take care xx
Thanks for the reply , I hope you’re doing ok , I had a fab relationship with my mum , everyone who knew us often commented on it . Continuing with experiences we did together is hard even the small tiny stuff . I’m taking it a day at a time but it’s night time I feel overwhelmed most …
Give yourself time. It’s early days in the process for you. Gradually you will get to a stage where the nights are easier. I’ll often look through my photos and have a little memory session but I know other people would find this too painful. It just shows that everyone’s grief journey is their own. I find now, after 4 months, I can be okay and then something small (like a letter with my Mum’s name in) will send me into a spiral of sadness. I’m the Executor to her estate, and all the ‘sadmin’ is hard to deal with at the same time as grieving. But we just have to keep moving forwards one day at a time. Take care of yourself xx
Loosing a parent is tough, they are such a big part of our lives for so long, I guess we get complacent in the idea that they will always be there, even though we know realistically that no-one lives forever, fate can be so cruel. When they first pass, we’re left with all these empty spaces, which I guess for most people (me included) feels like a shock, everything has changed, & especially when we cared for our parents through their final illness, we go from running round sorting doctors, hospital appointments, medication, picking up prescription, meals, etc, to nothing, just nothing. My mom passed 2 years ago from brain tumors, at that time it was during COVID, so we cared for her at home, they brought in a hospital bed & living aids to help her get around, & only managed to get care nurses to come in when she became bedridden, it was hard work, & sadly there’s some things you can’t unsee.
I miss my mom very much, & still feel the empty spaces, & still cry sometimes, it’s good to let it out, but I know she wouldn’t want me to wallow forever in self-pity, she would want me to have a life, she would want me to be happy. So take it one day at a time, & try not to feel guilty, if we don’t move forward sometime, we would probably stay miserable forever, I’m sure neither of our mom’s would want that, but take your time, & do things at your own pace, what’s comfortable for you.
Sending hugs of support.
It’s hard taking that step going back to work, I was signed off for 8 weeks after losing my mam and it felt l
Been back at work a couple of weeks now and whilst it’s helped me throughout the time I’m there (I have had a few moments where I’ve broke down speaking to my manager and been really upset ) it’s worse when I’m alone or in bed … i think about my mum all the time and the missing her is still overwhelming for me . I cry every night before I go to sleep (I also have to look at a photo of her , she needs to be the last thing I see before I close my eyes ) I can talk about her to others and be ok (few wobbly moments on occasions but manage to push the sad lump back down ) but when I’m alone that’s not the case .
I have to force myself to go to work , talking myself out of excuses daily I only work 3 days per week so that’s a big help.
I just miss my mum it’s simple but so hard . Knowing I’ll feel this way forever now is hard to accept .
Ah well done, for keeping going and getting back to the work routine. I’m the same, working 3 days a week and then really feeling the grief for my Mum, especially at the weekends. I know these difficult times will pass and I will look back on them, but I know grief has changed me. I’m finding it hard to be motivated to go anywhere or do anything other than my usual daily activities. We just have to keep going…xx
4 months today and I’m currently sobbing going over and over my mums death in my head (in the bath out the way so no one’s knows ) we knew she didn’t have long to go , possibly days but no one said for us to stay over nights etc we were still under the impression it was visiting times only and when they phoned for us to come up we didn’t make it on time, she passed with the nurse by her side as she woke up agitated , nurses said it was peaceful and quick BUT WE WERENT THERE ! How do I overcome this immense feeling of guilt , I should have been there , I was always there , always with her , always fighting her corner with health care etc and then when she needed me most , I wasn’t there this tears me apart
I lost my mum in May aged 90. Did everything together and had lived with her all my life. Although I have a partner (who lives away from me) it is so difficult being here in the same home she lived in for 50 years and I’ve always lived in. All her things are around. I can’t escape them (and don’t want to really). It’s so difficult moving on. I just plod on each day, missing her so much. Everything brings back such strong memories. Never realized it would be so hard to deal with. xx
It really is hard , some family members still live in her house for now but that is our next step, sorting out her house , our family home and current home for my brother tomorrow we start to go through her stuff in her room and all the meds we still have in there . I’m really not looking forward to it but we need to start at some point even if we get a little bit done …. Sending you hugs , it’s a pain you can’t comprehend until you live it
Hi @Js74 ,
Sorry to hear your struggling so much with your grief journey, sending hugs of support.
Try not to be too hard on yourself, grief is painful enough without putting guilt on yourself for circumstances beyond your control, the fact you cared for her, & did so much to be there for her shows how much you care, I’m sure that in itself was a great comfort to her. sending hugs of support.
I remember when we had to sort through my mom’s things, I advise, make a list starting with the things that are the least upset provoking, & work your way up to the most emotional provoking, ie- photos, music, etc. I can say from experience, there will always be things that bring back memories, & need to take a moment to cry, this can be quite draining, energy wise. The good thing is that your sorting through her possessions together as a family, so you can support eachother through that process.