I’ve written in the past but I’m feeling worse. She was my soulmate, my one and only. It was such a liberation to hear on the London Covid Wall installation that a young girl who had lost her Nan to Covid thought that her Nan was her soulmate. I’ve had relationships but my mum was the absolutes best. Pls don’t pathologise me. I’ve cleared this with a therapist. My mother was exceptional, lots of ppl gravitated towards her, I would have done the same even if it wasn’t my mother.
She supported my professional project. I’m an author, an activist and an academic. She was self-educated beyond her means (we were a poor family but she managed to become a primary school teacher). Her mother was also a strong, fierce but sweet woman.
My mum died 22.02.2022 (I know). I’ve always felt her close. I spoke to her every day. She was liberated from a long painful illness. She went too early but I was relieved she was not suffering anymore. I was her main carer.
I coped ok for 2 years, highs and lows. Now my professional sector is crumbling. I’ve received a brutal, unjust attack at work that can’t be challenged (British employment law is awful) and disintegrates everything I’ve done and she supported. No other decent jobs around.
It’s like they’re killing her again. I had a breakdown. I can’t get up again. I’ve always kept going to honour her and myself and all the selfless support she gave me.
I feel like screaming with pain.
I can’t concentrate on nothing.
I’ve always hoped she was watching me but now I hope she isn’t and she can’t see and there is no God, nothing. I haven’t been sleeping or eating properly for days, I’m on meds and therapy, can’t speak to friends, hate everyone, felt only she understood.