My mums passing

Hi my mum passed away in May due to cancer and at the time of the passing I tried to justify it as it being the next step for her. Maybe it was a way of trying not to deal with it, I felt being the oldest of the kids, I’m 41 by the way. That I had to be the strongest but as if late I’m thinking I’ve not properly got over her passing. Was wondering how to go about this, talking to someone or anything else as this has never happened to me before. Thanks for your time

You haven’t got over it, and you’ve taken the first step to deal with it by posting here.
The passing of a loved one is the hardest thing we ever face. You’re correct, we have to be strong at the beginning to deal with the “business” side of death. The emotional part takes much longer and the reality doesn’t sink in right away.
Let your heart guide you, if you feel you need to cry do it, talk if it feels right and continue posting here, we have all been through loss. Reading the thoughts of others gives us strength.
Take care, Carl.

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To add to my reply, I lost my partner and soulmate on April 1st, it broke my heart. Two years before her mother passed away in a hospice house, my partner Rhonda and I spent every night sleeping in the room with her. Her mother was a good Christian woman who accepted her daughter’s judgement and regarded me as family in spite of not knowing much about me. In return I loved her. When she passed her daughter had popped out of the room for a few minutes to get coffee, I stayed and was holding her hand as she took her last breath, I told her it was OK to leave, she wasn’t alone. I felt she hadn’t wanted to move on while her daughter was present.
I’m still not over her passing, even though she had a good long life and knew she was going to a better place, she wasn’t related to me b

Sorry for the unfinished reply - she wasn’t related by blood but I loved her just the same.
Both women made me a better man, neither have completely gone, they live on in me, just as your mother does in you.

My goodness, only 3 months. You must give yourself more time. Grief is not something you ‘get over’ like the flu. You have had a traumatic experience and one that may well linger for some time. The thing is not to have too many expectations. Just take it day by day.
You may be suffering from what I call ‘after shock’. It often happens that we cope amazingly well at first then what has happened hits us. This is to be expected. Try not to resist the emotions. Try not to regard them as something awful but part of the process of bereavement. It will get better but you will never forget. Would you want to?
There will be happier memories later, honest! I have found this to be so after 10 months. One morning you wake up just a little less sad. Just a little. It’s the beginning of the healing process.
So give yourself time, more time, as long as it takes. Try not to be impatient with time.
It may seem to you at the moment that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. It’s there though. You are the oldest and therefore have responsibilities. If you focus on that then it can help the process along. Take care of others of course, but take care of yourself also. Give yourself some love.
Take care and take your time. Let time pass without resistance. Blessings.

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Hello and thank you for your kind words. Yes I felt a relief when she passed, to me she wasn’t the mum I knew and remembered the week she left us. She went from being mobile and struggling on with the cancer, to being bed bound and deteriorated so fast that it was a shock, she became a person I just thought I’d never see. We went from having to be there to help her so much in day to day things to not helping her at all. I used to mutter under my breath on how demanding she was, but I’d give anything to be back in that time just now. Where she would be asking for things, silly things to be done. It was her way of spending time with you, getting you over but not showing she really needed help. She was a very stubborn old school sort of person, she was always right in her eyes, said things how she saw it and if you didn’t agree then she didn’t care. When she found out her cancer had spread to her brain after having intense treatment on her body cancer, which had slowed it done in the body, she just said it is what it is. This was her trying to make everyone deal with it easier. But I saw in her eyes the pain she was in and knowing you can’t help the person who helped you so much, it’s one of the hardest things I’ve gone through in my life so far. I’m just starting to realise now it’s hard to let go of her in the way I should and not to justify it by thinking it was always going to be that way, because she deserves better then that. I’m not one for talking, my wife always says that. But hopefully being on this forum will help as no offence to my wife, she can’t be feeling what I’m feeling as she hasn’t lost her mum.

I don’t know how to say this without possibly offending you or appearing to pry into your relationship, but man oh man, talk to your wife. She wants to be there for you and help you let out your emotions.
I talk to my sweetheart in heaven every day, I talked to her non-stop when she was on a ventilator during the last days of her life, she was the person who knew me better than anyone in the world.
Share your emotions with the woman who loves you, it will improve your relationship. Some of us would love to have that same opportunity.

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