My Nan was always my best friend through life, our relationship and bond was like no other.
over the last few years she suffered multiple heart attacks and many other ailments. Early December she was admitted to hospital with pneumonia, unfortunately they were unable get on top of it and she went into heart and kidney failure. She was 88 years old. They got a palliative care nurse in to see us and she was put on comfort / end of life care.
We spent two weeks as a family being by her bedside 24/7 then Christmas Eve we finally got the go ahead to have her transferred home to be cared for by us as per her wishes. Another week of 24/7 care rolled by (during this time there were many moments we thought were the end). On New Year’s Eve I was with her, holding her hand, cuddling her, stroking her head….she had fallen into a deep unconsciousness and hadn’t woken for over 24 hours at this point. In the hour leading up to her death, the noises she made and the struggling to breathe were very distressing and I can’t stop having flashbacks of this. She passed away in my arms after 2 episodes of not breathing for 20 seconds or more. I always knew I wanted to care for her right to the end but I feel totally traumatised as the nurses had told us she would just slip away in her sleep but it was actually really distressing. This on top of the absolute heartbreak of loosing her. I now feel so lost. I stayed with her until her body was collected and walked behind her as she was taken to the private ambulance. I am also finding that I cannot stop picturing her lead on a cold slab in a mortuary and how I wish I could go and cuddle her to keep her warm. I’m sorry for the long post but I just need some guidance……
Dear @Kerri1
There is no need to apologise. We all understand the pain of losing a loved one.
I can see that you’re new to the community. I am so sorry for the loss of your Nan that brings you here. I hope you find the community to be of support and comfort to you.
I can see that your loss is very recent. It is understandable that you are feeling the way you are, all of which is normal and part of the grieving process. Grief is a journey to be taken one day at a time, it is not a race and there will be good days and bad days as it is a rollercoaster ride of emotions. Everyone’s bereavement journey is different.
You can connect with members here who have been in a similar situation as yourself by typing in the search bar Loss of Nan. The support is incredible.
I would like to share a few resources with you that may help and support you in the meantime.
- self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief Our Grief Guide 1
- Our Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS
- Our free Online Bereavement Counselling which is held via video chat
- Our Bereavement Information 1 pages which can walk you through what you are going through.
It may also be worth booking an appointment with your doctor to see how they can support you and let them know how you are feeling.
Thank you for bravely reaching out, it is not always easy to do this, you are not alone, we are all here to support you.
Take care.
Pepsi