My new reality - life without my love

My husband died, unexpectedly, while away on business, January 5, 2018. He wasn’t sick or injured, that I know of. He was a truck driver, which he loved doing. He delivered a load in Commerce, CA, pulled into the docking area, checked the truck to make sure it was ready to be unloaded, climbed into the truck, laid down and did not wake up.

For the first 2 weeks, I had what some call “waves” of sadness. I call them my emotional tsumani. I miss the little things that we did such as speaking with each other every evening before I went to sleep and first thing in the morning when I would wake up. For the first 2 weeks I pleaded, begged, screamed and cried for James to come to me in my dreams or give me a sign that he is ok.

The night after he died, our grand-daughter, who is 5 came to me and told me she had a dream of “Pop-Pop” and that he was sitting in her Barbie tent, eating cake and watching the tv. I asked her if he was happy and she said “yes, he is very happy and he was really eating the cake”.

I try to focus on the positives such as being thankful that he didn’t pass out or fall ill while driving his 18 wheeler, or being thankful that he didn’t pull into some random rest stop to get some sleep and me not knowing where he was.

I’m so thankful that God gave me 2155 days with this beautiful soul. We actually have known each other about 50 years, but married for 4. James loved me like no other and I am so grateful to have known what true love felt like.

I have decided to move forward with the plans we had for ourselves and each other. I am going to keep my promise to him and get my college degree very soon, I moved forward with purchasing the house that we had decided we would purchase this month. I’m going to take the cruise that we had planned to take on our anniversary on Valentines day. And the entire time, I know he will be with me. I can’t see him, but I feel the same peace that I would have when he was home from travelling.

I’m going try and allow the wonderful memories I have of him to become the filling that will plug up the hole in my heart. I miss him so much.

Hi Ericha

I am sorry to hear about the sudden death of my husband. My husband died last October. He was only ill for 3 weeks then he died. He had a couple of blood clots on the brain. The second one killed him. I was with for 5 days and nights until he stopped breathing. It has been so painful I cant stop crying. I have to be grateful we were married for 46 years and had known each other for nearly 50 years. My daughters and grandchildren help me to cope but it is not easy.
Hope we are soon able to move on with happy memories of our loved ones.


Hi Ericha

I am so sorry to read of the loss of your husband James. The one consolation is he died doing something he loved. My husband Geoff died unexpectedly in his sleep in October. We had been working together up until the Friday and had been out for the day together on the Saturday. Like you I was grateful it didn’t happen whilst he was driving.

I must admit I am in awe of your courage in tackling the things you want to do. I seem to be stuck. I know what I need to do and what I want to do but somehow I don’t manage to achieve very much. (I used to be so organised). I am going to try again tomorrow - the start of another week.

Your post has inspired me to ‘get going’ and do what Geoff would want me to do.

Sending you best wishes for all your plans.


Hi Kathleen

We seem to have lots in common. I am 66 like you. My husband (Geoff) died unexpectedly in his sleep in October. He was 68. It has been a roller coaster of emotions lots of crying and even panic attacks. Like you I am grateful for the years we had together. We had been married for 32 years but together for 40. It’s so hard to function each day when you are used to being part of a ‘team’.

Like you I am looking forward to the day when I can enjoy our happy memories without the tears flowing.

Sending you a hug. I am thinking of you and all the others who are mourning the loss of their partners.


Hello ericha i know how you feel i lost my Clive on the 19th November, he past away due to a blood clot which led to a heart attack.1 minute he was ok then 15 mins later he was gone,there was no warning.we had 13 years of such joy together.i can’t stop crying.i had to go back to work 4 weeks ago, each day is such a chore.he was my love and my soul mate.i visit him every day in the churchyard.people in the village must think i am mad.we did everything together.i don’t what to do anymore.iam sorry if I am babbling on big hugs x

Hi Iam sooo sry to here that u were left so sad if I could change it I would,I lost my wife to MND just over 2 years ago after i cared for at home we we together for 27 years and I don’t half miss her sooooo much

My partner died last February.he was diagnosed with MS a year after we met and went downhill quite fast,in a wheelchair less than 5 years later.i cared for him at home for as long as I could,with the help of ten carers a day.He eventually had to go into a home aged just 48.after many hospital admissions he went in for the last time January 17.they got him well enough to return to the home where he died 5 days later,as he didnt want to die in hospital.I thought I was prepared over the years for it,and that as he had no quality of life,unable to anything,that I would be ok.I think that I am grieving for the things we didn’t and couldn’t do over the last 24 years as I am really struggling and miss him so much.I also think that as I looked after him and do such personal things for him it made us very close in a way I never was with my sure it will get better