My husband died, unexpectedly, while away on business, January 5, 2018. He wasn’t sick or injured, that I know of. He was a truck driver, which he loved doing. He delivered a load in Commerce, CA, pulled into the docking area, checked the truck to make sure it was ready to be unloaded, climbed into the truck, laid down and did not wake up.
For the first 2 weeks, I had what some call “waves” of sadness. I call them my emotional tsumani. I miss the little things that we did such as speaking with each other every evening before I went to sleep and first thing in the morning when I would wake up. For the first 2 weeks I pleaded, begged, screamed and cried for James to come to me in my dreams or give me a sign that he is ok.
The night after he died, our grand-daughter, who is 5 came to me and told me she had a dream of “Pop-Pop” and that he was sitting in her Barbie tent, eating cake and watching the tv. I asked her if he was happy and she said “yes, he is very happy and he was really eating the cake”.
I try to focus on the positives such as being thankful that he didn’t pass out or fall ill while driving his 18 wheeler, or being thankful that he didn’t pull into some random rest stop to get some sleep and me not knowing where he was.
I’m so thankful that God gave me 2155 days with this beautiful soul. We actually have known each other about 50 years, but married for 4. James loved me like no other and I am so grateful to have known what true love felt like.
I have decided to move forward with the plans we had for ourselves and each other. I am going to keep my promise to him and get my college degree very soon, I moved forward with purchasing the house that we had decided we would purchase this month. I’m going to take the cruise that we had planned to take on our anniversary on Valentines day. And the entire time, I know he will be with me. I can’t see him, but I feel the same peace that I would have when he was home from travelling.
I’m going try and allow the wonderful memories I have of him to become the filling that will plug up the hole in my heart. I miss him so much.