My oldest son is dating a girl with the same name as my daughter who past away

Hi, my oldest son was 5 when my only daughter past away aged 7 days. She would of been 19 now and I still struggle from time to time and now my son has been dating a girl with the same name and also the same age. I’m finding it really difficult as they are getting serious now. Dating over a year and she has just moved into his house. When they met he told me her name and my response was ’ all the girls you could date and you choose a girl with the same name’ he says he doesn’t see the problem and they call her G for short anyway and you can’t help who you fall for. OK I thought I’ll try and get my head around this. Well now a year has past and they’re getting serious I’m worried if they get married she’ll have the same name as my dead daughter. It just doesn’t feel nice at all and after 6 months of dating he refers to her using full name and calls her by her name in front of me. Shes quite a shy girl and doesn’t say much and I don’t know if she feels uncomfortable as I hardly see her really and wondering if my son has told her what I said when they first met. Am I wrong in my thoughts or is my son not taking my feelings into account. I’ve always included my living children in visiting my babies graves ( I’ve buried a stillborn son also ) still have pictures and their teddies in a cabinet. My husband and I tend to the grave regularly. Even after all these years it still bothers me hearing the name ‘Georgia’ and I just find myself looking at girls of similar age thinking that’s what my daughter would be doing etc… There’s no getting away from it now even in my own home or in my oldest boys life. Thank you for any advice

I lost a baby daughter many years ago (1982) when she was 25 days old and I really empathise with you. Even now I often wonder what she would be doing had she lived, what our relationship would be like etc etc. When I see or hear the name Kathryn it brings me up with a jolt and old feelings surface very quickly…losing my soulmate in 2016 also seems to have exacerbated all the other losses and made their pain resurface so I can see how difficult a situation you are experiencing.
However, your son did not set out to meet a girl with the same name or of the same age…it is just one of fate’s nastier tricks. The girl in question had no choice over her name and is a unique human being in her own right. I think you have to keep telling yourself these things…you cannot jettison your relationship with your son and possibly forfeit a loving relationship with his girlfriend because grief at your daughter’s passing has resurfaced so potently. If this relationship continues have you thought about sharing your feelings with his girlfriend and asking her if there is some “nickname” that she would be happy for you to call her by?
I really hope that you can find a way forward and wish you and your family well. Tare care x

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Hi, thank you so much for your reply and I am sorry that you too have lost a child and partner more recently. Yes death is very hard to live with at times. I will take on board what you have said but sometimes there doesn’t seem to be any escape from it. I hope you have a lovely Christmas and thank you again. Its nice to get someone else’s view on things x