Hi All,
It’s so reassuring to have this forum - I’ve been feeling like I’ve just been kidding myself that my ex’s decision to break up with me was related to bereaving his mum.
In the middle of 2023, his mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He always said that he struggled with articulating feelings, but did feel things strongly - including his “deep feelings for me”. Despite supporting him the best way I could, not pushing him - he just could not even begin to talk about how he was feeling.
Two weeks later, he admitted that he’d taken some random drugs from a bathroom and took them with an old female friend at his place - which led to him cheating on me with her. He was besides himself with guilt - crying and begging for forgiveness saying that he doesn’t even remember it until he ‘awakened’ during the deed. He spoke of how he saw his whole life with me and how he doesn’t deserve me. He assured me that there was no emotional intention and so I decided to forgive him given his mum. I suggested he tried therapy again, but he just completely shut the idea down.
Two months later, he is throwing himself into 14 hour working days, followed by drinking and more drugs. Despite trying to communicate with him, I got nothing back.
That’s when he met up with me to say he hadn’t had any feelings for me for a month or so and wanted to break up. He said there was absolutely nothing wrong with me, that the relationship was great - but that just couldn’t ‘give me what I needed’.
So much worry about him, what he was up to, how his mum was doing, whether he was talking to anyone… i was broken with worry and heartbreak.
Three months later, still worrying and heartbroken - I found out he had started another relationship 2 weeks after he broke up with me.
Obviously, this completely threw me. Anger, upset, frustration, confusion… I did call him and he said there was no overlap and it just “happened very quickly”.
I’m still so uncertain as to what he is actually thinking. Whether it just fizzled for him, whether it’s self-sabotage or just pure avoidance/distraction from his feelings. But it hurt so so much. I later found out that he didn’t tell his new gf about his mum and she found out through someone else months into their relationship.
It’s now 6 months later - I still have no answers. I still think of him every day. However, what’s really helped me to move on is the knowledge that I did everything I could to be a support. Whether it’s do with me, or his mum’s diagnoses - I am a good person. I have learned to be almost thankful that he broke up with me. Although grief is a horrible thing and can still change - I’m glad to know that he needs to be able to emotionally support and work with himself before being a really healthy relationship. It’s not on me.
I’m doing so much better now. If anything, this experience has helped me to really sit with my own feelings about everything - focus on myself, learn to love myself again and just experience life for all it has.
Bit of a rambley post - but I hope my experience resonates with someone who may have experienced something similar.
Stay strong all and don’t be scared to ask for support.
