Hi ya’ll. I’ve been with my girlfriend for almost 3 years. We’ve had a great relationship. Of course we’ve had our fair shares up ups and downs, but thats with any relationship. We both always told each other we’d marry each other. Her mom was also on board with it. Fast forward 3 months ago, her mom passed away. I was with her through out everything. The light inside my girl has disappeared. Her mom and her were very close. 3 months later she decided to break up with me because she wants to be left alone and she doesn’t have anything to give anymore and has told me to move on with my life because it shouldn’t wait for her just because her life is on pause. Truth be told, I don’t think what she did was right. I know people grieve differently but how do you push away the one person who has been there with you from the get go. 20 hours before her mom passed away she had asked her mom if we both could marry each other and she nodded her head. All that just to now end things with me makes no sense. I haven’t had any contact with her in almost 2 weeks. We send each other snaps on Snapchat just to keep our streak going and we both still share our location. I have no idea what to do. My friends have told me to move on. I really don’t want to. I love this girl more than anything. I’m hoping someone can give me some insight on what I can/should do.
Good for you not listening to your friends! Im not sure if this gives any insight but after i lost my Mum i literally could not bear to be around my friends even though you would think i would need them for support. The pain was so bad i literally wanted to crawl into a hole and hide from the world. You just feel you need to care for yourself and that you have no energy for anyone else. I guess this will vary depending on your personality- i always was quite a private person.
Plus along with the pain came the feeling of bleakness, a complete loss of meaning/purpose in your life. So it may be hard for her to see a future right now.
But given time i came out of hibernation and then felt desperately isolated! But everyone is going to be different in what they need.
If you love this girl can you agree to be there as her friend, with no expectations about the future, but simply because you care and want to support her through this difficult time?
Human, it seems to me the poor girl is completely broken and may feel she does not want to drag you down to the awful place she is in. Just be there for her, check she is eating , and help in any way you can. Give her space but tell her you
Love her and you are not going any where, that you will always be there for her, if that is how you feel As Ally6 says even if it’s just as a friend .Give her time with no pressure and recommend this site to her . I wonder if she is suffering from a sense of guilt , feelings that she should maybe have done something differently, which is common and can be a big thing when you lose someone dear and makes it so much more difficult to accept and move forward. Grief takes as long as it takes , and the pain she feels at the moment is probably relentless because she was so close to her mother, but slowly, very slowly she will start to heal . Be patient . Every thing seems very dark when you lose someone you love , like the whole world has moved and nothing is where it should be anymore. It needs time to re settle. If any of that makes sense, it’s just how I see it any way. Take care.
Thank you for taking the time to reply, I appreciate it a lot. I under stand she is going through a lot. Like I understand but I won’t know the depth of her pain. But here’s the thing, why does she get to decide that she doesn’t want to drag me when I’ve still been by her side for the last 3 months after her mom’s passing. I’ve been by her side supporting her and picking up calls as soon as she calls me to let her know I’m here. I don’t want to ever leave her but I just feel like did she not love me enough? Because pushing me away seemed so easy for her and she basically left me out to dry is how I’m looking at it. I swear I’m not trying to make me sound selfish because I really care about her but this really threw me off that the one person who’s been the closest to you just pushes you away.
You suggested that I should check up on her but how do I be there for her when she wants to be alone and have her space? Will she not get annoyed if I ask her how’s she’s doing when I know she’s not doing ok. Her world has definitely gone dark, it’s like the light inside of her has turned off. I’m just afraid that the more she distances her self from me, the more she’ll start to lose interest in me. Am I making sense? Her mom was also so happy with us being together and supportive. My concern is that will she do this again in the future and just push me away when I’m just trying to be the loving and supporting bf.
Thanks for the reply. I appreciate it. Yeah honestly my friends have told me to move on and that you haven’t done anything wrong and that she did you dirty and all but they don’t really know my girlfriend the way I do. I know she’s hurt and broken. I just feel so shocked that this is the decision she chose. You’re not wrong about the future part, she HATES talking about the future which is totally understandable to me. I always validated her feelings and emotions and told her that whatever you feel is never wrong they are all valid feelings.
I’m also sorry to hear about ur mums passing. I can’t even imagine how rough things must have gone for you after seeing what my girlfriend went through.
Everyone tells me to give her time. How long is that. A month, 2 months, a year? I do love her and care about her a lot. But how long do I do this friend thing for because I’m emotionally attached to her. It’s hard being someone’s friend when you’ve been with them for nearly 3 years.
There is no set timescale for anyones grieving or when/if your girlfriend might eventually want you back in her life. Ive read that the grief never really goes, but your life starts to grow around it and make it feel more manageable rather than all consuming. If you read some of the accounts on this forum you’ll see how different everyones experience can be, but there are also common threads like how people feel so isolated, that no one understands. I think thats just what grief does - its very personal. There are husbands/wives on here who say they cant talk to their spouse. I dont know the circumstances here but if this is your girlfriends first experience of loss, or if her Mum died unexpectedly there can be a huge amount of trauma - its unlike anything else. Her mind/body is reeling and trying to play catch up with reality , its having to literally rewire to work out what life now looks like without someone so very precious and it can be terrifying.
There is advice out there on how to support someone who is grieving if you take a look (i think theres even some on Sue Ryder website). It sounds like you are doing the right thing if you are letting her express her emotions, the worst thing would be to expect her to “get over it” or “pull yourself together”. I saw a video where it said our natural instinct is we want to make it better for the person, to ease their pain. But we CANT ease this pain, we have to let them hurt and just let them know we’re there with them. Its going to be up to you to decide how long you stick around for, but at the very least please try and help ensure your girlfriend is getting some support, whether thats from this forum, seeking counselling, finding local bereavement group in her area.
PS I am so NOT a relationship expert but I wish you well.
Keep.doing what your doing offering your girlfriend the support she will be in a dark place right now loosing her mam im so sorry
Hi @Pilot123
As @Ally6 mentioned (thank you!), Sue Ryder has lots of information and tips for supporting someone who is grieving. You can find out more on our Grief Kind campaign - Grief Kind - a Sue Ryder campaign | Sue Ryder It has been designed to give people confidence to support others who are grieving and features short videos and blogs, so please do take a look.
I hope this information is helpful and that you are finding this community a good support.
Take good care,
Kate
Sue Ryder Online Community team
Honestly you’re not wrong when you said that we want to help them and fix things but reality is we can’t. I realized later on that I can’t really solve this problem but you alone. See, I’m abit confused with the support. How do I support if she doesn’t want to hear from me. Truth be told, I’d stick around for ever because I really do love this girl. She is also talking to a therapist on better help with his good. I guess I’ll just have to wait and be patient and even if she unintentionally hurts me, I have to just let it be.
I never knew how powerful grief could really become. I just wish she would let me support her instead of being pushed away.
She may let you back in after a while, once the storm of emotions has settled. I know it must be hard to support from a distance. Are there any practical tasks you could do that would help her out and show you’re still there for her? And in my experience saying “call me if you need me” just doesnt work - the person invariably DOESNT call, even if they are in need! Hopefully you are still talking, shes not cut you off completely? I would maintain a regular call/text just to check in on her and let her know youre there. Maybe in time she will feel able to open up and explain how shes feeling. Its likely she doesnt understand herself what shes feeling right now but the therapist hopefully will help her make sense of it all.
She doesn’t call or text me at all. I call her once a week to check up on her. We still share each other’s location. Yeah I’ve realized that call me if you need me doesn’t do jack. I haven’t gotten a single call or text lol. I have the keys to her car as well which she told me to keep after I suggested to give it back once she broke up with me. She really likes it when I clean her car (interior). I guess maybe I can do that?
Also, I hope the therapist is helping as much as she can. However, I feel like the therapist had maybe advised her that you should break up and focus on u? Maybe I’m over thinking it? Because 3 months later I get told to move on.
I dont think a reputable therapist would advise a client to specifically do anything, especially to end a relationship. In my experience of both counselling and life coaching they help you understand your feelings/behaviour, they may present you with a different perspective that you may simply have been unable to consider, but they are always aiming to help the client reach their own decisions.
Youll drive yourself mad trying to second guess what shes thinking - youll only find out once shes ready to talk.
If she wants you to keep her car keys that doesnt sound like someone who wants to sever all ties permanently.
Maybe message to check when she doesnt need it and say youll give it a clean and top up the petrol/oil etc?
Bless you so.much maybe in time she will reach out i wish you well
I hope so too, I would hate for this to go the other way where she pushes me away for good.
Yeah, I did go mad for the first 2 weeks. I’ve tried to not think too much and just told my self to be patient.
It’s her mom’s birthday tomorrow. This will be the first birthday where she doesn’t get to celebrate. Should I reach out tomorrow knowing it is going to be a really bad day for her. I’m not quite sure as to what I should say because I feel like anything I say maybe either piss her off or isn’t right.
Like Is it wrong for me to say happy birthday to ur mom? Or how are you and the family holding up today? I just feel like she’s probably so tired of people constantly saying these same questions when nothing is OK at all.
Maybe just a simple message along the lines of "just to let you know im thinking of you on your mums birthday. If you need to talk to someone, im here. " its right to acknowledge the day, but its the sort of message that doesnt need a response if she hasnt got the energy. Just knowing someone is thinking of you is very comforting.
I will do just that then. Honestly I never had any idea that grief could be this powerful. I never really knew what grief meant until just recently. It’s way too complex. After reading other peoples post and stuff, i just wonder what others are also going through. I just wish my partner knew she isn’t alone and she would allow me to support her and comfort her. It looks like people either isolate themselves or attach to their partner more.
I don’t want her to think that I’m not capable of being there for her when she’s going thru the worst time of her life because I don’t want to be with her when she’s only happy. We’re supposed to be in this together and support each other through out all the ups and downs.
Also, if it wasn’t for this website I think I woulda lost my mind completely. I went on Reddit searching up topics on “girlfriend leaving me after mom passing away” and it’s nothing but them saying that she won’t come back. It’s just negative comments. Not a single person spoke about how grief can really alter someone’s mind.
Hi I am experiencing this same situation as you are. My ex partner lost her mother in December 2023 and it completely changed her… she has become someone else and this new person broke up with me. To make it worse I wasn’t with her at the time and she had to grieve without me being there. Not because I didn’t want to but due to being in a lDR for a short period off time. We was living together for over 6 years but due to life circumstances it made life difficult. If you don’t mind Can u update on your situation as off now. Me and my ex broke up in January and I haven’t spoken to her since 11th March.