My partner lost his mum and he’s broken up with me for my sake

[LA123]

My partner and I have been together 2.5 years, and lived together for 2. Our relationship was really intense really fast and then we had to go through hard times, but we always wanted to stay and keep working on the relationship because our good moments are so much more and completely outweigh the bad. His mum passed away in January, and he’s been up and down but seemed to be handling it “ok” until he told me 3 weeks ago he doesn’t want kids anymore since his mum passed and he knows I want them as we used to speak about it all the time and what our future kids would look like and names etc (not that we wanted them yet but it was a plan for the future). He said he needed to start talking to a therapist and to figure it out as if he doesn’t want kids we can’t be together. I went to Sweden to give him space (he wanted space). 2 days ago we had a phone call and he ended it with me because he said I deserve better and he just can’t give me what I want anymore . He’s said he doesn’t know what he wants at all in his life anymore, nothing makes sense and his head is scrambled…

I’ve never loved anyone the way I love him, I would do anything for him… I’ve stood by his side through all the darkness and last year he wasn’t in a good place anyway because he hates his job but doesn’t know how to get out and he wasn’t very happy but I stood by him and knew that eventually we’d find our way back to brighter days.

I believe in him so much, so much more than he believes in himself, but I do ask for some reassurance sometimes and he’s struggled to match my energy with keeping the relationship and romance alive (even before his mum passed) - but I still wanted to stick by his side as I couldn’t picture my life without him and he made me so happy regardless of all that.

I feel guilty now. Maybe I pushed him too hard to give me reassurance now when his head is all over the place… I feel like maybe I’ve been selfish, but I couldn’t cope with not knowing if he actually wanted me anymore. I think I pushed him to break up with me. He said he can’t give me what I need and he doesn’t know what he wants and that I deserve better. It’s not his choice though, I want to be with him through tick and thin. I want to be there for him and watch him find his feet again and flourish into the amazing person I know he is.

I don’t know what to do Barely been able to eat since he broke things off and I’ve got constant anxiety in my stomach so it hurts. I feel completely lost without him. He says he still loves me and is heartbroken himself which gives me hope that we still might have a chance but I don’t know

[Katyh]

Good morning @LA123

I’m sorry you are going through a hard time. Reading what you have shared it seems to me that the relationship is more one sided, like you put all the effort in. You seem to want he best for him in every way but what about you? Even through grief if he was truly your person he would also be considerate to you. Maybe he is being honest by breaking things off as he knows he is noy right for you.

In relationships you need to work on them but shouldn’t need to push for reassurance, that should be a natural part of a relationship. Mutual care, respect, compassion,love, support and reassurance should all be equal between a couple.

I’m sorry if you don’t find this comforting but it seems as though you are longing for something that isn’t there. You deserve the full package, not one were you doubt or are unsure. Love is amazing and when you find your person you will know it, it’ll be beautiful and you will feel the love, reassurance and everything else what comes with it

Xx

[LA123]

It is so hard because you should have seen how he was with me the first year of being together and the things he would say. He was definitely the one putting more into it then, and I was more careful because I didn’t want to get hurt, I was very guarded. He said he loved me first, he used to say how he couldn’t wait to marry me, how he couldn’t wait for a future with me to have kids and buy a house. I even found a text where I said ‘‘I’m naturally thinking you’re not gonna want me forever’’ and he replied saying ‘‘I want to do as much as I can to stop these thoughts’’ and ‘‘I’m planning on showing you and telling you how much you mean to me always so you won’t have to be scared or worry about it ever.’’… fast forward a year and he wasn’t doing that anymore… I just feel like he said everything I needed to hear to bring my walls down and then he had me and didn’t care about reassuring me anymore. Still, I know he was going through a rough time looking back, but I always thought we’d find our way back. That he would magically start being the guy I fell in love with again. God it’s hard.

[Katyh]

Hi @LA123

If he knew how to show you love, affection and reassurance at the beginning and isn’t now its more than likely because he doesn’t want to. Even if a partner is grieving they would go to their other half for support and still show warmth towards them etc.

“I want to do as much as I can to stop these thoughts’’ and ‘‘I’m planning on showing you and telling you how much you mean to me always so you won’t have to be scared or worry about it ever.’’… fast forward a year and he wasn’t doing that anymore” To me that said it’s all and you’ve realised yourself. He changed before his mum passed away, so can’t blame it on that.

How old are you? Once you find your soulmate, you really don’t have to fight for affection or reassurance, it comes naturally after you fall in love.

Sorry to sound harsh but it sounds like your holding on to a memory that isn’t going to become reality for you. It’s a case of if he wanted to he would.

I know it’s hard but think of all that you have learnt. You will have to kiss a few frogs before finding your prince

[LA123]

Yeah I guess, it’s just very complicated… I haven’t been the easiest person to love either I guess because I never really fully let go. I was in my head so much. I’m 28 years old. It’s crazy how your life can suddenly just completely change…

[Katyh]

@LA123

Yes it can change in a blink of an eye. You also dont truly know what you have untill it’s gone!

Are you still with him? X

[LA123]

No he ended it over the phone a week ago whilst I was in Sweden giving him space because he said he didn’t want kids all of a sudden when his mum passed away, and he really used to want them before that. So I’ve been here for 3 weeks in total and I go back to London on Monday, then we will talk IRL.
We have lived together for 2 years, our lives are so intertwined… Will have to stay at friends and then rent another friends room for a bit while she is away, pack up and get rid of loads of stuff in the flat and eventually my plan is to move back to Sweden for a fresh start.

My thoughts keep flip flopping between emotional and logic…
He has reassured me at times, he always does a lot for me it just wasn’t as drastic and verbal as it used to be. I’m afraid I’ve taken what he did do for granted. Scared I’ll never find anyone like him again and no one will ever compare.

Honestly he is my best friend. We clicked on everything, there was only one main issue in our relationship and that was that I had the belief he would eventually leave me because I believe people leave and that no one will stay or that I’m hard to love. I realise I probably caused a lot of damage because of this. He has a more avoidant/dismissive attachment, where he likes to sit with his emotions internally when he is going through rough times. When he feels low he wants space, when I feel low I want closeness.

However I’m also like, this is our only clash and problem, if we could just keep growing and learn from each other I know we could work it out. I feel like every relationship you have to work on something… I honestly think he won’t ever find what we have with anyone else either, unless he finds someone he can walk all over who will never question anything, and with a person like that he won’t grow, he won’t have any one to trigger him in any way and learn.

Maybe he doesn’t want to grow and learn and be better. Whereas I do. And if that’s the case I know I can’t persuade him to stay. I know that in that case I do deserve someone who wants to fight for me.

Just also I know he isn’t in the mindset to take on anything right now that might trigger him in the slightest. I feel like that’s why he’s giving up. The grief of his mum is consuming him and he probably feels like letting me go will sort a lot of his problems, but it will just “fake” his progress. He won’t have anyone there to challenge him anymore. I feel like he just wants to run away from everything and it’s all just too much at the moment.

[Flower_garden]

Morning, @Katyh has given you excellent advice.

I know it’s hard but I think this relationship is over which of course is very hurtful but you will get over it.

If he was right for you, you wouldn’t have felt so insecure.

You deserve better.

Hold your head high & don’t try to change his mind, you may become angry at how he has treated you, ending the relationship over the phone!!

Move on from him & in time you’ll meet someone else who will make you feel loved and secure & you’ll be so glad you were free to meet him.

Millions of us on this site have lost our beloved partners who made us feel so loved and special, wait for that type of love, don’t settle for less

[Katyh]

@LA123

Bless you, you have a lot to think through!

If he had any care and consideration for you surely he wouldn’t have ended things over the phone. In my opinion that is very unthoughtful and cruel.

Please don’t be scared incase you don’t find anyone, that’s no reason to stay in a relationship which is half hearted on his part. If you put it out into the universe that you want new connections, they will find you!

You deserve all the love in the world, to be loved and to give love effortlessly is beautiful. For your true soulmate you will not be “hard to love”

From what you have said. I think you need to really focus on yourself and learn to love yourself. You need to know your self worth and know that the person you choose to give your heart to deserves your love. Apparently you need to love yourself before others can love you?

You can’t force a relationship to grow, nor can you try and help others to grow when they do not want you to.

When your person comes along it will be almost be effortless the relationship. You will both just “get each other” you won’t need to second guess each other. You can also be your true authentic self around that person. Yes you need to work on relationships but not as you are explaining. Honestly I am speaking from experience. I recently lost my partner of 18 years and I wholeheartedly knew that he loved the bones of me and was his complete priority. He was my number one cheerleader and never made me feel unsure, I never needed to seek his reassurance as he openly gave that to me. I honestly felt like the most beautiful girl in the world. When you meet your person, it’ll be like nothing you’ve ever experienced before.

It’s up to you if you want to try and persuade his to stay but in all honesty it looks like your prolonging the inevitable. Sorry if this what you’d like to hear.

Maybe do some honest reflection on your relationship. You could even write an honest pros and con list.

Xx

[LA123]

I’m so sorry for your loss

I just think from my experiences it sounds like you got really really lucky with him.

Maybe none of you had trauma/bad beliefs about yourself a before you got into the relationship…

I feel like I was really anxious and jealous at times because I was so fearful that he would eventually leave me and not love me anymore. I was already anxious about opening up before I got into the relationship. He has been in about 5-6 relationships that have lasted no longer than a year and he was always the one who ended it, that in it self gave some warning signs but I chose him regardless because he really convinced me that I was so different to anything he’s ever had and that he KNEW I was his forever person…

I fear he also has some sort of block, some sort of trauma that makes him not feel good enough. He also is more avoidant/dismissive with his emotions, and likes to be left alone when he feels low and “deal with it on his own” - I know this isn’t healthy and he needs to do some deep work. However I was willing and ready to work on ourselves and support each other as a couple, and grow and become better and better. I feel people give up to early these days thinking there is better out there.

I was always single before I met him, so I was single until almost 26 years old. I didn’t believe in being in a relationship and fully giving my heard to anyone unless I saw it being forever. So I truly did with him. I’ve had “situationships” and dated people for a longer time, but either they would say they weren’t ready, or I would get scared and eventually end it, or it just didn’t feel right.

With him, it really did feel right. And it flowed beautifully like you say it did for you, for that first year. Then reality hit I guess.

I think he replaced his passion for rugby when he quit with a passion for me. Once life caught up with him he wasn’t as happy anymore and lacked the will to show me as much love as he used to. He started shutting the world out quite a bit including me, but he was still always there and he did put time and effort in, much more for me than anyone else.

I don’t know… it’s so messy.

I was finally starting to feel secure and able to go out and do “me” and take trips and stuff without feeling like I constantly needed him by my side. As soon as I’ve started to feel at ease , this happened.

[Katyh]

@LA123

It’s sounds messy bless you

Well when you meet him face to face you can go from there. I hope it works out for you. You’ll know deep down if he is your person. Just don’t settle for anything less than what you deserve xx

[LA123]

Thank you