I am so lonely and alone, my partner passed away 14th May and i’m absolutely overwhelmed with grief…i have no family, well I have a brother who texts me occasionally but i know he really doesn’t understand and hopefully he never will have to. My son who doesn’t live with me has been fantastic but he has his own life and he to is grieving. Im so very alone, its the days where i dont speak to anyone that completely drives me crazy, i’m so alone.
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Maybe only those who’ve been through this can really understand? Talk with us on here - we’ve all worn those shoes & are here for each other.
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Thank you for responding. My dearest partner had bowel cancer, he was diagnosed at the end of 2022. He survived an eight and half hour operation and ended up wearing a colostomy bag and urostomy bag. He managed well for 19 months and became quite independent, he just got on we it all. Then in December he developed tummy pains and ended up with a kidney drain bag, so he now wore 3 bags. The final operation in February this year revealed that the cancer had spread. He was in hospital for a total of nine weeks but I had him home in a hospital bed for his final 6 weeks, where I looked after him, along with carers and district nurses. I was with him on the day he passed, I held his hand and we talked until he had no more breath. It was a traumatic experience for both of us but im so glad that I was able to be with him. Now I sit alone not knowing how im going to move forward, not knowing how to combat this loneliness. We did everything together. Everywhere I go, local supermarkets, local parks, just everywhere are places we visited together. I feel so overwhelmed and cant stop crying , when I do venture out I’m so afraid of breaking down and cant wait to get back home. Love and hugs to all who are grieving. Ive never felt such emotional pain.
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Oh my gosh it’s like I wrote your message my husband passed 29th may in a hospice tried hospice at home the pain he was in they never managed to control his small bowel got blocked so was vomiting had to go into hospice even though it wanted to be at home had tube fitted he has primary colon cancer spread through his lymph nodes small bowel lungs around heart his suffered to the end but I never left his side. We were soo in love never had a day apart in 30 years this house is empty he was a beautiful soul made me laugh every day family feels like they are babysitting me think they are fed up just me thinking that hate people here but hate being alone I am howling wanting him back
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Hi Maxandlala2,
I am so sorry for your loss, isn’t it just unbearable and what we have witnessed is so very traumatic…cancer is such a horrible disease. I think, for me, it’s trying to get over the trauma of it all. It’s very early days for you too, I do hope that you can get the support you need and reach out to different groups. I find it’s good to write things down, someone told me to write out the good, positive times we had together, I am now, at least starting to think of some good times. So very, very sorry to hear what your husband went through. I hope you can find some peace within yourself that he is now free from pain. Take each day slowly. Sending you a BIG VIRTUAL HUG.
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Thank you x
Brummy,
It was awful what you went through too. Even though you knew your wife was frail, I can only imagine the trauma and shock you must’ve felt at witnessing the paramedics doing CPR in your living room on your dear wife. I think as time passes hopefully these traumatic memories will lessen and good, happy memories will be at the forefront of our minds. Yes, it’s so very hard being in an empty house, i’ve never walked so much a round my house, and I dont know what for, or why i’m even in that particular room, i find myself having brain fog and most days haven’t a clue as to what i’m doing or why. I did speak to a lady the other day who lost her husband after 57 years of marriage, I was with my partner for 27 and its so very, very tough, I’ve never experienced grief like it. When I lost my mom it was bad but this feels so very different and so much worse.
I hope you are managing to keep yourself busy. I find that doing small things can be a distraction sometimes…but then just yesterday, I opened the kitchen cupboard and saw the ‘Black Pepper’ and started whaling at the black pepper cause it belonged to my partner, he used to love pepper on everything. It’s strange how things can make you cry uncontrollably. I’m smiling about it now though cause it was such a strange reaction to cry at the sight of black pepper.
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If am so sorry
Thank you Cat6.
I’m just wondering what to do today, the house is so empty and i was hoping that I wouldnt cry today but I’ve already broken down uncontrollably…it’s horrendous. I’ve plenty that I can do in the house to keep me busy but then I think ‘what’s the point’ . Another day to try and get through. More silence…
Hope that you are OK, I dont know your personal story, so I do hope that you are having a good day.
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Honestly I am having a really bad day. I feel so sorry for my son and little hunni buns. Another day. Holy God just let me survive it
Sweet I am being baysat by my children taking it in turns to go on dog walk with me or today at their house for food hate it I know they would rather not they have busy lives Simon used to host big get togethers he took control calm in any situation I would stress he would say it’s ok sweetheart you sit down just did everything for me now it’s milk cheese and water in fridge and silence I sob hard morning till night I know when family ring they say how are you i say not coping think they want me to say I’m ok I was never be ok I fancied Simon for 30 years I used to say I punched above my weight I just want to touch him have him hold me in his arms telling me how much he loves me I JUST WANT TO BE WITH HIM.
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Hi Cat6,
I’m so sorry, it was insenitive of me to say I hope you are having a good day. I’m sorry about how you are feeling. It’s so overwhelming for me too and the tears come in waves. I think the worst time for me is when I wake up, no one there, just silence. I am trying to keep distracted and do small things, I find it helps, but then when i stop doing things it hits me again like a tidel wave and im back to floods of tears. I find typing on here helps too. I am physically and emotionally exhausted but when I stop doing things, it hits me.
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Hi brummy,
I’m just having another moment, ive been trying to hold it together today but now i’m off again. Someone on here suggested to drink more water, I can understand why, as to replace all the fluids in our body from crying. Im trying to turn negative thoughts into positive ones cause I know my dear partner was always positive, he told me to stay strong and im trying to. I kept myself busy today. It’s good that you’ve gone back to work, hopefully in time you will feel stronger whilst in the workplace. I would like to get back into some sort of work eventually but atm i couldn’t even prepare for an interview. I finished work back in 2022 to look after my partner, work was becoming far to difficult for me and often I would end up walking into the place crying knowing of my partners condition. I try to stay hopeful for the future. I was lucky that I was able to talk to my partner and he kept apologising that he was going to leave me, he kept saying sorry to me. I will never forget that he wanted me to carry on and be strong. It is different for everyone, we all grieve in our own way, with our own memories. I understand what you mean by existing and walking around in a daze. It hits you when you think youre doing ok then all of a sudden the rawness of over whelming emotion hits once again.
Hi Maxandlala2,
I hear what you are saying that you just want to be with him. This is extremely early days and emotions are so very raw. There are so many adjustments to make. My partner did lots for me too and I’m finding it so hard to learn to adjust to not having him with me to do the things he used to. I haven’t spoken to anyone all day which is so very difficult and i know in future i will have to start going out to make new friends on my own, goodness knows how. You say you feel that your children are babysitting you and you hate it. My adult son stayed with me for the first four days after my partner passed away and when he left I just broke down completely, we do text one another, and he visits once a week, my son’s grieving too and everytime he comes to visit we both at one point break down. My son said he can only cry when he visits me because although his friends have been empathetic he feels that they dont understand the emotional pain he feels. I wish my son could be here more but then again i have to get used to this sad lonely life. I remember feeling mixed emotions when my son stayed with me i just sometimes wanted to be on my own and wanted him to leave me alone to grieve. I go for walks which helps. I hope it helps you to keep typing on here. Sending you virtual hugs x
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Hello, I apologise for jumping in but I just wanted to say I was in your position & I did ring 999, my husband died in the hospital & I felt guilty for a long time that even though he said don’t call an ambulance I still did, so if you don’t or you do we are left feeling guilty.
Maybe try and remember that with your tears your wife saw how much you cared and taking time off work showed the same.
You’ve nothing to feel guilty about & how lovely that your work colleague helped you with arrangements etc…
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Yes I think we have to accept this is our new normal
I also have meal for one they are horrid but Simon cooked us a lovely meal every night if I didn’t have something just to put in microwave I wouldn’t eat. SIMON got a cockapoo puppy 2 years ago to help him with his recovery from operations chemo got him out of bed but I’m left with his dog which is extra work for me he loved the dog but I am having to learn he cries at the window looking out for him but I promised him I would look after him I am exhausted not sure if I resent the dog for not letting just sit and wail instead of having to take him for walk i cannot go outside without someone with him I am nervous of dogs so very overwhelming I hate all of this just want him here so badly
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I used to love cooking for both of us but my heart still isn’t in it - so am grateful for some of those ‘not just any ready meals’. Never had a big appetite but (after nearly 28 weeks) am trying to eat sensibly. Then, when I look at today’s intake it is just a bag of twiglets 7 a twix bar - must do better!
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@brummy
I totally understand how you feel. I am also a worrier, although you could say that we take our responsibilities seriously… which is not a bad thing at all. But, I understand 100% what you’re describing… every decision, choice, chore, responsibility shared and concluded with our beloved partners… seemed so easy. Whereas, the same or similar decisions, choices, chores and responsibilities undertaken on our own are just monumentally difficult, scary and agonising. “Brummy” please don’t feel guilty for not dialling 999. It’s perfectly clear to anyone reading your posts just how much you love and adore your lovely wife and how very much you miss her. There is no doubt about that at all. You did what you felt was right at the time… none of us have a crystal ball… if we did, this forum would not need to exist! The fact you miss your darling wife so much, is a massive indication of the love you had, and still have for her. You were the whole world to each other and did everything together - the same as me and my beloved darling sweetheart - for that reason, the loss is going to cut very deep. We will never recover. Life is so very cruel and unjust. You’re not alone in how you feel 
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My partner first became ill in March and was prescribed steroids. One of the side effects is that they suppress the immune system. So he picked up a lung infection which spread quickly despite the many drugs that he was given . He became so ill so quickly , but I always believed that he would get better and come home. I was devastated when the doctor said there was nothing else they could do. I’m just existing now, trying to do jobs in the house, trying to come to terms.
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