My partners greiving over a past partner and father of her k

Hi . Ive never talked to anyone about how to get help but here goes…
Im 42 i have a partner shes also 42 . We love each other dearly and connect like shes never felt she says .and i do her like no one else has come close . But we always fall out because arguments are started unrelated to this in a sort of sabotage …like a saftey coping mechanism.
shes still greiving her partner from 10 years ago,the father of her 3 kids.
He died unexpectedly while they was very much in love and in 10 years has had no1 else in her life because of her loyalty to her passed partner… shes told me she loves me right down to my soul and i feel the same .but she then has huge meltdowns in her head about feeling like shes cheating and not been loyal to her previous love… how do i get her to see that her partner wouldnt of wanted her to destroy herself and never love again. She says i have made her love and care again after all this time but she cant win the battle in her head to find peace within herself.she says she feels like shes been disloyal which then causes her to sabotage any happiness in her life with us and things that get too close around her.
How do i help her realise that i know her passed partner wouldnt want her to destroy the rest of her human years . I just want her to see that she can be happy and what happened to her previous partner wasnt her fault .How can i help her? Weve been dating a year now and this has always stopped us from progressing as she thinks she dont deserve to loved or to love again.
But she says im the 1 person that has made her care and love again…her thought process and how she looks at this is concerning
Please help
Any advice id be so greatful for as i love this woman so much but i know we cant move forward until shes ready to look at her perception of this situation as its not healthy. I Know she wants to love me and us move forward but She doesnt know how to herself…hence me trying to find some way to help her ? I just dont know how to though?
I have found my soulmate and she has hers in me but she battles with the guilt

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Hello @Confusedneedhelp,

I’m Seaneen, and I wanted to say thank you for reaching out. It sounds like you really want to support your partner with her grief. Our Grief Kind campaign has lots of resources that can help. You can:

  • Watch our Grief Kind classes. Our Grief Kind classes are five short video tutorials in which Sue Ryder bereavement experts talk you through what grief is like and how you can support others who are grieving
  • Listen to our Grief Kind podcasts. Our Grief Kind podcasts are hosted by author, journalist and Sue Ryder ambassador, Clover Stroud. She speaks with celebrities about their personal experiences of bereavement and the support which helped them most when coping with their grief.
  • Read our guide on supporting someone else who has been bereaved.

You may also want to read some of the threads in our Looking to the future category to learn more from our members who have lost partners.

Has your partner ever sought help with her grief? If she would consider counselling, we offer free sessions at Sue Ryder. She can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in her area.

I hope that you find these resources helpful. Please take good care of yourself, too - the community is here for you.