Hello it’s my first time on this post.so please bear with me. 15 years of indescribable inner soul destroying pain.i lost my most beautiful precious child.lost is a word I rarely use I don’t like the feeling that comes with it…I can wholeheartedly say this loss has totally destroyed me in a way nobody seems to understand.i just felt need to connect with more mons out there .that has an understanding where I am coming from.please repk6 to me …as sure you understand desperation can be soul destroying.nobody to turn to .yet thousands out there feeling just like I describe.
Hi Anne 123, I do understand your description “destroyed”. I lost a daughter aged 33. You don’t say how old your child was but loosing a your child whatever age is the same. It isnt the correct order of things and life will never be the same ever again without that child in it. Somehow we survive. I am continuing to try to live around the loss with the support of my family. You are correct in that no-one understands. How could they? They can only imagine and I have accepted that I won’t, can’t even, attempt to tell anyone my inner most feelings. I do have a couple of close friends but I feel I shouldn’t put them on the spot with how bad it really is and it also is nice to see them socially as it brings a bit of normality. Other “friends” have disappeared from my life, I’m sure they don’t know how to deal with me. I don’t want to push anyone else away. It feels strange to say these things. I never imagined that life would ever come to this. Take care. X
Aw thank you .and bless your heart.yes I am only to familiar of friends not been there.i always remember my closest friend crossing the road a year later when she caught eye of me.i made a friend 8 years ago whom had also lost a child.we connected in moments.like we’d know each other all our life’s.sadly she died in July last year.so now I feel totally alone …yes I know a few people I can call .but once they tell I am not good .thats when they says there busy now but if I need call again.and ask for m6 family well I don’t feel I get support at all.one sister has completely disowned me .and the others well if what they do is support then .someone somewhere got the meaning of support very wrong…my child was just 23. I know live in silent agonising pain.i have since developed mental health issues.and yes if it wasn’t for the support I get from them.i would have nobody to truly reach out to .i guess some deal in diffrent ways.i am still searching for answers .i wish you well and keep that little normality with the friends you have .
Hi, I’m sorry that your close friend died. I can understand how you will feel all alone. Im glad to hear you have support from a mental health team. At first, I only felt “safe” in my own 4 walls. If I had to go anywhere, I was pleased to get home. In the evenings, I was comfortable in my pyjamas watching TV. It has got a little better. Can I suggest some books which I found useful. Grief Works by Julia Samuels. She is a psychologist and it’s some examples of cases which she has dealt with. Also, Always with You by Gloria Hunniford who’s daughter died of cancer. I would recommend these.
Thank you .to this day I am only comfortable in my pyjamas.i have read so many books.to be honest I only read what I already know and feel.i have actually forgotten what normality feels like.my friend whom died would visit me every day almost.or on the phone to me. Been alone in grief is indescribable.the pain is there always.i simply can’t put my feelings into words.its like I was forced to join a club of agony suffering .and no way out.its a club once your put in your in it for life.i feel the road has no end.how can it nomatter how far or fast you run you never reach your child.i am sorry I need to say I was so frustrated with well wishers telling me it won’t last forever this pain…how would my child feel to see his mum cry they’d ask…HES in a better place now there’d say…mainly I’d smile and thank them…until I had to speak out saying didn’t you know my child at all.as if you did then you’d know he wouldn’t want to se me upset… and I’d say my child was perfectly happy here in this world enjoying life.one he was robbed of…seldom do any members talk on him anymore.its possibly best as I just can’t tolarate listening to them talk and laugh at his humour when he’s my child I can’t laugh at what once was .i want to see that humour here and now.sorry for ranting of like this .i hope your doing your best you can xx
Dear Bir89c and Anne,
I am so sorry that people have not been more understanding. I wonder if maybe we frighten people as we have gone through what is every parents worst nightmare and the one thing that people dread. I knew someone whose child had taken their own life and thinking ‘how can she keep going? How can she even get up in the morning?’ Now that is me and I struggle to go out, I avoid people. It is so very hard as my life has changed for ever, I have changed for ever. I sometimes feel as if I am broken.
Bless you both and I am sure you are both doing the best you can. Big hugs to you both. xxx
Hi Victoria.how sad sad my heart aches for you.it will be 15 years in 9 weeks time since I tragically lost my child .in such a terrific accident.i fully understand when you say youv changed for ever.iv almost forgotten now what life was like without disbelief and grief.i too hardly leave my home avoid people.my family are very kind people yet I see they don’t understand where I am coming from.how can they .nobody but a mother knows this inner soul destroying pain.its a pain that goes with you wherever you go.i try to put it away if only for a hour or two.but no it sticks inside eating away.i often feel I just can’t go on .or do I even want to I ask myself.then the guilt setts in how can I do this to my family I ask.i do believe anybody whom takes there own life has completely lost control of there mind.not once would they do this to those they love had they not.please please remember those who die to suicide never knew what they was Doing or pain they’d cause to loved ones…my heart is with you .its a pain no mother should endure.have you seen your dr there’s so much they can offer.its the Nhs support I can thank for been here today.please consider it if you havnt already.all my hugs from my heart is stretching out to comfort you.xx
It makes such a difference to me when someone in a similar situation reaches out to me. I1 weeks on and I am still struggling g to understand why my beautiful, loved daughter ended her life. If I could just have a few more more minutes with her, if I had just been given the chance to know what was in her mind.
Gemma left behind 2 lovely boys aged 21 and 8 and I have become a mum figure to the eldest (the youngest is now livng with his dad).
This has blown my family apart but in my stronger moments I make a promise to Gemma that I will keep our family strong and together as a tribute to her loving personality.
sending you all love and hugs xxx