I, like many of us, have gone through the stages of grief and often keep coming back to this one, or keep going over and over again of others…I am hating myself, no angry with myself, a mixture of the two whenever i think of the times throughout our 18 years where i have abused my Richard or hurt him vocally with hurtful things i had said that is now too late to put right, tell him i did not mean the things i had said…My number one is how i abused the gift God gave me, no had sent me of Richard…so He God thought he would take my gift away…why punish Richard to punish me…It was me who never appreciated the gift i was given - Richard…He God should be punishing me not Him…well guess in some ways God is, Richard is at peace, i am the one who is in pieces and am suffering…but He - God did not have to take my Richard to get at me…Yes anger is just one of our bereavement triggers…
Jackie. I don’t think anyone is being punished for anything. We all have said things we may have regretted. Neither you or Richard had anything to be punished for. If we get in the state of mind where we think God is punishing us, then we can so easily lose hope and sink into despair.
It’s life Jackie. It’s all about life of which death is a part. We rejoice when a baby is born but cry when someone dies. But birth and death are but two sides of the same coin. A baby enters a new life. A person who dies, I believe, also enters a new life.
In some cultures people rejoice when there is a death because they feel the person is now in a peaceful and much happier place. This world is in turmoil, but where they have gone there is peace ‘The peace that passeth all understanding’. There is no way us mortals can imagine that peace because it’s in a different dimension to the one we inhabit.
We often feel that we have been ‘robbed’ and that the loss of a loved one is some form of punishment. But we can’t apply wordily values to unworldly matters. Robbery and punishment have no meaning there where only love and forgiveness exist. Richard would not want you to be worrying and making yourself unhappy.
It’s a long hard road, but whatever our circumstances it has to be trodden. The alternative is to sink into despair, a very costly emotion. Take care of yourself Jackie. I feel the pain in your posts, we all do. Love and Blessings.
…i am reading books by Joni Eareckson Tada which i am finding comforting, you maybe aware of them…" Finding God in Hidden Places " and " Heaven Your Real Home From a Higher Perspective. "
She is such an inspiring lady if one was to read her story…
Jackie, I am sure there is hardly one of us that is suffering that hasn’t come to the conclusion that this terrible mixture of emotions is some form of punishment or else why haven’t we been able to move forward with our lives.
Heart break, self doubt, illness, grief, anxiety, panic attacks, how are we physically and mentally meant to deal with all this. Am I such a terrible person that I have to deal with all these emotions. It’s too much. How many of us have said this at some time or other. And how many of us have thought back to having done things we are not proud of and that guilt thing has attacked us. I have lost track of the amount of times I have apologised to Brian. Was I a good enough wife? was I supportive? Did I argue with him when there was really no need? On and on and on. You are not on your own and I am sure you loved and cared for Richard just fine. He loved you and understood, just as Brian did.
Please read carefully what Jonathan has written, he is so much wiser than me and able to say such words of comfort.
Love to you
Dear Jackie, I do believe that it is part of your grief that you are dwelling on this, I would imagine that you did and said things to your Richard, if he had lived, you would not be berating yourself in this way. If I may offer a little advice, one of the most beautiful sayings is "Do not be sad that he is no more , but be thankful and say be happy and remember that he was.
This is so much like my pain. I sad some harsh things to my sweet husband who was suffering from depression and anxiety. He was such a gentle, easy going man. I am opposite and would nag him. We had many beautiful years, soulmates, but seemed to have gone wrong more and more. The last words from were we are better off without you, he took a gun and…I know God is punishing me. I had a fragile loving human in my care. I deserve to die, but know have t live in this painful black and white world till I have paid my dues.
Missy1, please do not feel you have to punish yourself. When someone decides to end their life it leaves so many unanswered questions and yes, we feel guilt. A very close friend took his life and like your partner had become depressed, how bad he was we just didn’t see. You must seek some help for yourself and I hope you have people around you that can give you support too. You will find support from this site, you have come to the right place.
Hi Missy, I am so sorry to hear that you lost your husband in such an awful way and that you are struggling so much with guilt. Please know that this wasn’t your fault and you don’t deserve to be punished. Living with someone with depression is not easy and it is understandable that you might have lashed out sometimes. His depression was the real cause of his actions.
Guilt is a very common part of grief, and can be even more complicated in deaths by suicide, but please try to be kind to yourself. It’s important to have support and outlets for your emotions, so I’m glad that you’ve found this site. As well as replying to other people you may wish to start a new conversation yourself at some point, as this can sometimes generate more replies.
As well as posting here, you can also get further support from an organisation called Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide, who offer a telephone helpline, online support and local support groups.