Getting close to the eight week mark I have been keeping my worst emotional moments to myself and everyone thinks I have it under control. Somehow I’ve never been able to break down in front of others. My grief attacks happen in private and I don’t expose others to my intense pain.But yesterday after confronting my terrible loneliness, the silence left behind by my husband’s passing and the infinite lack of understanding from others, I broke down. And I cried shamelessly and ranted on the phone as I allowed myself to let my own sister witness the reality of my overwhelming loss. It was raw. I couldn’t stop crying for maybe an hour afterwards. But that demonstration of being human did get her attention and she realized I am not doing as well as everyone wants to think I am doing. It is exhausting to have two more or less good days and then have the pain of missing your husband come crashing with the most simple trigger. It is draining. And this is the second time I become a widow but I don’t know how I am going to get to the other side this time. It feels overpowering. It’s unbearable at times. And I get angry at the ignorance of society. You are wounded but others want you to get better so they can feel better themselves. Not on my watch.
Hi @Viajera
I’m on 21 weeks, but I echo all you say
People keep telling me how well I am doing.
They aren’t in my brain!
The triggers are incessant.
And yes society is ignorant, but you have to go through this to undetstand. Would we wish that on anyone?
Take care x
I agree too. Everyone tells me I’m doing well but they don’t see me here sobbing and helpless. I’m just so sad.
Oh @Woolly
It horrible isn’t it.
And that is an under statement. I don’t think there us a word to express how we feel
Sending big hugs
X x
Yes i get told all the time that im a remarkably strong woman, does that mean i come across cold and uncaring? i can certainly say i dont feel strong, nobody witnesses my breakdowns and my temper tantrums at the unfairness of it all. Why is life so hard for us? Why has this happened?
Its horrible isn’t it.
We have to pretend we’re ok when we’re really not.
And go to pieces behind closed doors.
Very few people know the turmoil I am still in
I don’t know what the answer is.
More bereavement education?
But nobody could understand If they haven’t been through it.
I wouldn’t wish this on anyone
We are indeed the ones who need to educate them. Only by showing the true reality of the loss will they get a peek at what kind of impact our loss has had in our lives. Our society thrives in platitudes but we have the right to reject them and be honest with our grief. I am avoiding people as much as possible but when I interact with someone I never say fine when they ask how am I doing. I always say how are YOU. I avoid answering .Not going to lie and pretend. My smiley, joyful former self is missing and I don’t know when it will return.
Strong has become a four letter word for us mourners. It adds insult to injury because it makes you wonder what do I project? You are so right. The pain is very private and nobody can see behind closed doors💔
Why do people cone across at indifferent to our grief. I will never understand how cold some people are. Yes there lives haven’t just ended but ours have. My family have told me this is my new life i have to learn to live with it. Its 5 weeks today and omg how I wish it wasnt. I lost my first husband in 2005 he was 36 i was 39 he died of a dvt. I met Gra in end of 2005 he had lost his wife. We met in a widow and widowers chat room on aol. We had a group meeting in 2006 . I never looked back. Gra wasc16 yrs older. He always told me he would go first and i was to find happiness again i told him i had to be the one to go first as he was stronger than me. Omg how i wish that had been the case. Love jo xxx
Oh…those five weeks seem like only hours… I feel for you… Some years back I told my second husband jokingly : you have to take really good care of yourself because I was a widow when I met you and if I lose another husband I will die of embarrassment. Little did I know he would also leave me a widow and I do have a feeling of shame for losing my love a second time. It’s irrational but the feelings are real. Sending a warm hug to you.