My sister blames mums care home for mums death

Our mum died in hospital 10 days ago, having caught covid in her care home. She was end stage dementia which was accelerated by covid. My sister has never liked the care home, even though she never visited mum their for the 2 years she was there. She would criticise it constantly, reading reviews and complaining to about it. I visited mum regularly until the lockdown last year, and thought it was lovely. My mum catching covid was the ultimate ammunition my sister needed. She is blaming them constantly, saying she is ‘gunning’ for them and is ‘going to get justice for mum’. She is planning to ‘bring them down’.
My sister has mental health issues, and can be very scary when she gets going, i feel very uncomfortable around her. I am so concerned that she is going to tarnish mum’s memory at the care home, they were really fond of mum and did their best for her in difficult times.
We haven’t even had the funeral yet, and she is not letting go. I really don’t want any bother, but don’t want to fall out with sister. I’m not a confrontational person.
I am so anxious about all this, and just want to run away and hide, and i miss my mum terribly. She would hate what my sister is doing.

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Dear Karen58,

You are finding yourself in a difficult position and it must ne stressful to have the additional stress of your sister’s complaints on top of your grief. You have just lost your mum and those early days are so hard.

It is sad that your sister did not visit her in the care home for the last 2 years. In my opinion she therefore cannot really say anything bad about the home. Do you think that maybe that the way she is reacting now is because of her mental heath issues and not coping well with the loss? Is she getting any mental health support?

You write that you think the care home was lovely. Have you written them a letter to express your thanks for the care your mum received? If not, I would suggest you do this, so that if your sister actually sends them a letter, they will already have your letter. The people in the home will have seen you visit, and will pay much more attention to your letter than to hers. I don’t think your sister would be able to tarnish your mum’s memory.

The last thing you want is to fall out with your sister. I am sure you will find a way to handle this situation without it becoming confrontational. Wishing you lots of strength in the coming time, especially with the funeral arrangements.


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