My sister has died

Losing a sibling
1

My sister passed away 4 weeks ago and I don’t know how I am going to carry on without her. We lived together and she was my best friend.

2

Hello @Karen56 ,

I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling. I’m so sorry to hear about your sister. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that might be helpful.

You might also want to have a read of this Sue Ryder article when you are ready; Losing a sibling: Sibling loss: Coping with death of your sister or brother | Sue Ryder

I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.

Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.

Take care,
Alex

3

My sister died suddenly almost 3 weeks ago. It has completely floored me. All i can say is ive had people say take it a day at a time. Im currently taking it an hour at a time. I cant think further ahead than that.
I hope you have friends you can lean on. My friends have been a literal godsend and I hope yours are too.
People on here have been lovely to me, so keep messaging. Im normally an exceptionally private person but not on here and its been a huge help so far.
I also signed up for “our grief coach” and, although ive only had 2 texts yet, they have both been really helpful.

4

So so sorry to hear about your sister too. I have never felt pain like this before. My sister Sue went into hospital for day surgery and she never came home! She had a catheter to drain one of her kidneys because she had kidney stones. She went in for day surgery to change the tube of the catheter under local anaesthetic. The end of the tube came off and lodged itself between her lung and her kidney. They had to do scans and tests to find out where it ended up. So while they were doing this they found out that the cancer she had 5 years ago had returned. She was told that the cancer had returned a week before she died and she was in hospital for 4 weeks from beginning to end. I just can’t believe she has gone and in that short length of time!

5

My friends have been brilliant by the way, as you say an absolute godsend.

6

@Karen56 That sounds horrific, im so sorry. My sister began by losing some of the feeling in her hands and feet. Over the course of the week, she got weaker and weaker until she physically couldnt walk. This is where I get angry because her gp was, in my mind, completely negligent but im aware this might be coloured by my own feelings. They had given her diazepam to try and relax some muscles that were causing pain. By this point she was stuck on the sofa and couldnt get up. My brother in law was doing all her personal care but, because she was larger, he couldnt lift her to the toilet. He called the gp at 8am who called back at 5.30pm (she was already aware of my sisters issues) and told him she couldnt do anything, to wait until 6pm and call out of hours. Out of hours came out and said they couldnt do anything because it “wasnt a blue light emergency” and that because of her size shed need more than one ambulance and if she took up that extra ambulance other people might die. So instead they left her on the sofa in pain and, since she couldnt get to the toilet, she was left to do it on the sofa where she was sitting and sit in it until the next morning when a different dr at the surgery called for emergency help and she was taken in.
They were doing lots of tests in the hospital but not getting many answers. She then starting showing signs of a chest infection so they started her on intravenous antibiotics immediately and said theyd get the infection under control and then resume the tests. On the wednesday night, after being in since the friday, she told my brother in law she just wanted to be at home with him, and he was to tell me how much she loved me and wished she could give me a hug. So i made my mind up at that point to go down at the weekend - they live only an hours drive away. I got a phonecall at school (im a teacher) the next morning to say she had died.
Death certificate says she had pneumonia which was made worse by the fact she couldnt move. But they also said she couldnt move because of the pneumonia. To me theres no clear answer and they decided not to do a post mortem because of her size. (Who knew, its not just when youre alive that drs blame absolutely everything on your weight - including the fact she lost some hearing because of constant ear infections that her gp wouldnt check because of covid. Apparently losing hearing was because of her weight - who knew). So we dont really know what happened. My brother in law found everything so traumatic he couldnt face fighting them which i totally understand, i was the same after my dad died.
So we just dont have answers so my brain is filling in the blanks and its not pretty.

7

Bless you that sounds awful. To leave her and not do anything and say they couldn’t do anything and leave her to pee on the sofa all night is disgusting. They should have done something for her because they had a duty of care for your sister, their patient. At least the dr the next day was more on the ball! So sorry for your loss and that you didn’t get to see her before she passed. I am grateful that my dad and I were there with my sister at the end. I just can’t get over how quickly it all happened and how and why didn’t we know?!
My sister and I shared a house, we went on holiday together, we did lots of things together and now I feel like I have lost my right arm, she was my best friend and now I don’t know how I can face a future without her, but I guess I am going to have to learn! Thinking about going back to work next week. I need something to distract me, because rattling around this house with all her things surrounding me is not helping … Look after you…Thinking of you.x

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@Karen56 Work is a double edged sword. I like routine so when she died on the thursday, i took friday off work (im a teacher) but i went back on the monday and worked for the week and a half before the funeral. It was fine to begin with but i was struggling to cope by the time i went off for the funeral. Although that might just have been anxiety about the funeral.
I have the opposite problem, my sister and i lived in different cities about an hour or so apart. So daily my life doesnt change. I run the risk of pretending it hasnt happened, which is what happened when my dad died.