My sister died suddenly 2 weeks ago, no warning, and we buried her today. She was only 48.
My head is in bits. Im so completely overwhelmed by it all.
When my dad died 8 years ago, i kept trying to figure out how i was “meant” to be feeling. It definitely affected how i grieved and how i was. Even now i can feel myself thinking the same things. “Well its two weeks so i probably should be better now, people will get sick of me if i keep going on about it, cant still be upset now” and especially now the funerals over i feel like i should be getting back to normal. That people will expect me to be fine and its unreasonable to feel like this any longer.
I have a counsellor i was seeing anyway and i have told her but my problem is i understand what people will say. Grief takes time, it doesnt have a time limit, its only two weeks - but my head says otherwise.
I dont know what to do.
My dear @vivmt - I am so sorry, I’m so sorry. First of all, you have had a terrible shock and it is absolutely normal to feel how you do. Grief has no time-limit, it works in its own way. Society expects people to move on reasonably rapidly after a bereavement but it absolutely does not work like that - at all. The people who say that are likely those who have never experienced profound loss. Take your time, go with how you are feeling as it is the love you have for your sister, that is the grief you are experiencing. Grief is love that is lost, love that is searching for its object, and that object has gone. My advice would be to ignore what people might be saying and what you think you should do to conform with those expectations - and just grieve in your way, in your own time. I read a book by Clover Stroud called The Red of My Blood. It is about the death of Clover’s sister - to whom she was really close. It is an extraordinary book, and helped me to understand and navigate my grief following the death of my husband - the same profound, baffling, horrendous, howling loss. You have done so well to get this far, after losing your Dad, too. Today is Saturday, a day to rest, to recharge, to think. Maybe have some time out in nature if you can - a walk in the park or round the block or something. The Spring blossom is out - a sign of hope and regeneration - these images keep me going and there are signs of this even up here in the snowy mountains, where I am now. I am glad you posted here, my friend. There is a whole bunch of us on here, picking our way through the minefield of grief and loss - helping each other as we go. We all have great days, bad days, up and down days and we find here people who understand and who are with us. This comes with loads of love, x
Thank you for taking your time to message back. Ive heard of grief being the price you pay for love but never heard of it as love searching for its object that has gone. That feels right.
My problem is not ignoring other people, its ignoring my head.
Ill have a look at that book, thank you for the reccomendation.
Dear @vivmt , after only two weeks you are still in shock and have barely started to process the profound loss of your sister. Two YEARS is still considered early grief in some bereavement groups. Even after that you will continue to grieve, experiencing good days and bad days. I belong to another online bereavement group run by David Kessler. His resonds when asked how long he will grieve for is: how long will his loved ones be dead? The truth is grief in one form or another will always be there but along the way we eventually find moments of hope, moments of comfort and even moments of joy. We need those moments to give us respite and strength to carry on. Until you reach that time, be gentle with yourself. In any crowd there are many people that have experienced the deaths of loved ones and yet we do not know who they are. In our society we keep our feelings hidden so as not to upset others. Our grief illiterate society is hard enough on those of us who are bereaved without bringing more stress to ourselves. So you grieve in anyway that is right for you, for as long as you need to and don’t spend your precious energy on those who are not supporting you. Take care and wishing you comfort and courage on your journey.
Hello there, firstly I’d like to say how sorry I am for you losing your dear sister, its tough I know. I lost my sister suddenly in January and I feel your pain. Grief is overwhelming and its still very early days for you. There are no rules to coping and we all must somehow find a way to get through each day. Its scary at first as your mind isn’t quite accepting reality and utter panic takes over. Take as much time as you need to process what is happening to you, cry, scream, sit quietly, whatever works for you. I heard someone say grief is like feeling home sick but you can never go home and for me it summed it up perfectly. I am sending you love and strength and always here if you need to chat x
Thank you @JJBee and @Jan1968 for your replies. My head understands logically that grief takes a long time but i dont have a history of being kind to myself and so emotionally understanding it is much more complicated.
I spent the last week at my sisters house with my brother in law going through things. It was crazy days and by the time i got to bed id feel like my head was about to explode. Its odd being out of that bubble and being back at home. Thankfully im a teacher so im currently on easter holidays so i have another week off. Its just so hard.
I know how hard it is going through your sister things as I’ve been doing the same thing. I was overwhelmed with it all and had to stop for a while to get my head together. It felt like an invasion of her privacy but also it made everything real and I couldn’t cope with the reality of it.
Its good that you have some time from school still. Do something for yourself for a few days and re-charge your batteries. Try to be kind to yourself, feet up and a glass of wine maybe!
Jan x