I don’t really know what to write, I’m not really sure how I ended up on here it’s just that today has been a really hard day. I lost my son when I was 34 weeks pregnant. That’s was by far the hardest day of my life. It was as if a part of my soul was being ripped away from me and all I could do was watch. I’m not really sure how do you move on from something like that? Can life ever actually go back to what it was? I know people say you can’t really blame yourself for something like this but I can’t help but think I should have done something! I was his mum it was my job to protect him and I couldn’t. What kind of mother does that make me? Will this guilt ever fade? Does it get better? It still hurts as much today as the day they told me there was no heart beat.
So sorry to read you lost your baby son when you were 34 weeks pregnant. That must have been heartbreaking, and such a shock. Many years ago, when I was training to be a nurse, I spent a day in the labour ward with a couple who had been told their baby had died, and I stayed with them until she had given birth. I never forget that experience. I hope that you were given good support and that you were given all the time you needed to say goodbye to your son.
I noticed that you read and replied to a recent post of someone who had two miscarriages. Thank you for reaching out to others even in the midst of your own grief. You will have seen the link I gave her to a charity that gives support after a miscarriage. There is another link I would like to give you to a charity that supports those who lose a baby after 24 weeks of pregnancy: https://www.sands.org.uk/support-you
I can understand that you are struggling with thoughts of ‘what ifs’ and if there was anything you could have done, but as Tillwemeetagain said in her post: it was not your fault, that he died, so please do not let feelings of guilt burden you. From your post it is obvious how much you loved the baby that was growing inside you and that you would have done anything to protect him.
I can’t answer your question if life can ever go back to what it was. Bereavement changes your life. Somehow we have to find a way to live without those we lost, but at the same time they will always be a part of our life. I hope that by connecting with otheres in similar situations, you will find support and comfort. xx Jo