My son Nick

Nick died suddenly aged 17 in August 2015. Im now 60. I think I’ve coped OK, I haven’t gone to bits and I’m aware that life is a tightrope walk and anyone can fall off. It dawned on me the other day that I might be having a kind of nervous breakdown, not an obvious one, things, even small things, make me anxious, but I can invariably work them through, sometimes internally, sometimes by talking to others and it doesn’t seem to be getting any worse . Its become a way of life. I often feel quite emotional but being sad doesnt depress me most of the time, it actually gives me comfort and helps me to cope. I still work, see friends, do things I enjoy but none of it means that much . I feel like I’m filling in the next 20 years. I don’t feel suicidal but the idea of dying I find comforting and an incentive to get on with life, not to take it too seriously and enjoy it while I can, so I don’t want to change it. Does anyone else feel the same?

Sounds very similar. I get anxious about things I have to do, even mundane stuff that never previously bothered me but paradoxically I feel calmer now than ever in between times. Maybe some of the anxiety can be put down to getting older but I dont know. I sometimes feel like I’m in a dream. So not totally bad, just surreal.

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Oh well, it could be worse I guess. I’m getting used to it now and avoiding putting myself in situations where I’ll get stressed. Having a cat helps, especially as the cat and Nick were very close. I’ve got a photo of Nick in my hall. My sister told me that when she came round to feed my cat when I was working away, she saw my cat sitting, staring at the photo. Cats are very visual. They’re also very deep.

I feel exactly the same, Paul, I do not fear dying, the way that I die maybe. I am so sorry that your son died.
Blessings,
MaryL

Thank you for your kind message. Life can be so fraught, but you have to try to get the most out of it, don’t you, whilst not taking it too seriously, as its over in a flash. The weather and covid don’t help, of course. I know I’ll see Nick again one day ., and if were alive today he’d be getting on for 23, a young adult, and our paths would increasingly diverge as he made his own way in life, but I do miss him.

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Thank you for your reply, Life isn’t easy, I am thinking about you and your son. x

Thank you. It helps to believe in a life after this one.

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