9 weeks ago today my beautiful boy only 23 took his life, he had suffered with mental health and physios for 5 years the battle finally became to much for him. Myself, his dad and sister found him and desperately tried to save him. The first 6 weeks went in a blur from arranging the funeral, looking at photos and then looking into the care he received from the services. Slowly but surely my energy and will have ebbed, I feel totally broken trying hard to do basic things falling into a black hole. Devastated that the last few years my memories are only of him suffering and me trying to find the right help for him and constantly nagging him to help himself. The happy 18 years of family life are a distant memory. I miss him so so much and can’t bear to carry on with this pain. I know I will for my daughter but what can I give her now … I constantly cry, feel angry that he was let down by services that are there to help and worse of all that I failed him.
Hello Kim, I am so so sorry that you have to feel this pain too. It’s an awful nightmare. I lost my son last year in a road accident and I miss him every minute of every day. But I also lost my niece to suicide so I know some of what you are feeling. It’s very early days for you and you will still be in shock probably. I remember feeling so lost in those early months. I felt I no longer belonged to any part of life. I took panic attacks when I went out. But it does change very slowly. Not better just different. I remember when my niece died my brother saying that for the first time in years he knew she was at peace. No more suffering. That’s what he clung onto. Your daughter needs you now and just by being around you are giving her strength to help her deal with her pain. Try and get some books on grief, I found they helped me. And if there are any support groups near you I would go to them. We need all the help we can get to cope with this. There are also a lot of lovely people on this site who understand exactly what you are feeling so post a message any time you need to. Wishing you strength and sending you love x
My heart goes out to you so much. My beautiful daughter also took her own life 22 months ago. I wish I could say that you have an easy path ahead. It is very early days for you and I think you are probably in some shock and it can be hard to reach out to others.
It is the most devastating thing that can happen so promise me that you will be kind to yourself. Surround yourself with people who understand and try not to tire yourself as I have found that if I get tired then I struggle to stay calm and become very tearful.
Grief comes in waves and some good advice I was given was that you may have a bad day but tomorrow is a new day and you may cope better.
Sending you a big hug and lots of love xxx
I’m sorry for your pain. My son took his life 8 weeks ago. He was, also 23 years old. I feel the exact way you described. I live on for my other children. I’m devastated. My Joshua suffered off and on with depression and daily with anxiety and insomnia. After he turned 18 I could never get him to seek medical care. But in the last 8 months of his life he seemed out of the woods!! Happy, running 5-6 days a week. Lost 80 lbs. Paid off half of his brand new car in the past year. I’d check in on him weekly or so and he assured me he was “fine”. I feel an overwhelming feeling of failure, too. I don’t know what I did wrong, but clearly I screwed up big time.
Dear Joshua’s mum,
I feel just the same. My daughter had struggle and with anxiety and depression but the last two weeks she seemed to be much better, happier and calmer so I took my eye of the ball, relaxed a little and felt calmer myself. Gemma had been seeing our GP and saw him that week. He told me that she was so much happier but I realise know that she had already made.
I still blame myself and go over and over everything I could have missed.
I am sure you did your best and clearly loved Joshua so much. Please don’t blame yourself. It is very hard for us. I have met a few parents now who have lost their children in this way and they are lovely people and loving parents. I wish I could give you a big hug. Sending you lots of love xxx
Thank you Gemma’s Mom! It is hard. I deal with so much self blame even though people have always praised my efforts as a Mom. It just feels like I failed him in some way. But I know it was something I really couldn’t help him control. I would give my life for his… this is so hard. Are there other places to connect with other parents like us? Thank you!!! Hugs back!
Dear Joshua’s Mum, I am glad that you are not blaming yourself to me. You sound like very loving, devoted mum and you could not have done more. The policeman who helped when I lost my daughter told me that he had been involved with lots of families where a young person had taken their life. He said that all of them had strong, loving families.
There is an organisation called ‘SOBS’ for people who have lost a loved one in this way. I do know a couple who go to the meetings and find them helpful. I have to been as I would find it hard to talk about what happened. But 3 years on I might think about it.
I’m so glad you have replied and like you I would gladly give my life for Gemma’s. I love and miss her so much.
Hi Kim. I’m so sorry you have been through the same unimaginable pain as I. My son was 26 and suffered like your boy with mental health and psychosis. He took his life April 2020 and its so bloody hard. I feel like no one else can understand the pain I’m in. I wanted to be with him at the beginning and sometimes I still do. My husband doesn’t know what to do when I’m having a really bad day. Believe me you didn’t fail him any more than if he had a terminal illness. MH is the worst because no one can see the extent they are suffering. He’s free from the demons that held him in that state. My heart is broken like you and I miss my son every minute of every day. There will always be questions of what if but I think when they are exhausted and broken with MH there isn’t anything that will mend them. I try to remember something funny he did or something really lovely at least once a day. I have become a great actress. I found at the start all I remembered like you were the nagging and trying to help but hopefully soon you’ll remember the good times. Talk about his life before with family. Lots of love Dee x