My son took his own life

9 weeks ago today my beautiful boy only 23 took his life, he had suffered with mental health and physios for 5 years the battle finally became to much for him. Myself, his dad and sister found him and desperately tried to save him. The first 6 weeks went in a blur from arranging the funeral, looking at photos and then looking into the care he received from the services. Slowly but surely my energy and will have ebbed, I feel totally broken trying hard to do basic things falling into a black hole. Devastated that the last few years my memories are only of him suffering and me trying to find the right help for him and constantly nagging him to help himself. The happy 18 years of family life are a distant memory. I miss him so so much and can’t bear to carry on with this pain. I know I will for my daughter but what can I give her now … I constantly cry, feel angry that he was let down by services that are there to help and worse of all that I failed him.

Hello Kim, I am so so sorry that you have to feel this pain too. It’s an awful nightmare. I lost my son last year in a road accident and I miss him every minute of every day. But I also lost my niece to suicide so I know some of what you are feeling. It’s very early days for you and you will still be in shock probably. I remember feeling so lost in those early months. I felt I no longer belonged to any part of life. I took panic attacks when I went out. But it does change very slowly. Not better just different. I remember when my niece died my brother saying that for the first time in years he knew she was at peace. No more suffering. That’s what he clung onto. Your daughter needs you now and just by being around you are giving her strength to help her deal with her pain. Try and get some books on grief, I found they helped me. And if there are any support groups near you I would go to them. We need all the help we can get to cope with this. There are also a lot of lovely people on this site who understand exactly what you are feeling so post a message any time you need to. Wishing you strength and sending you love x

Dear Kim,
My heart goes out to you so much. My beautiful daughter also took her own life 22 months ago. I wish I could say that you have an easy path ahead. It is very early days for you and I think you are probably in some shock and it can be hard to reach out to others.
It is the most devastating thing that can happen so promise me that you will be kind to yourself. Surround yourself with people who understand and try not to tire yourself as I have found that if I get tired then I struggle to stay calm and become very tearful.
Grief comes in waves and some good advice I was given was that you may have a bad day but tomorrow is a new day and you may cope better.
Sending you a big hug and lots of love xxx