Evening everyone, I don’t know what to say without sounding like a broken record. my precious first born boy passed away from a brain tumour and at the beginning i did not know he had this tumor growing rapidly in the back of his brain, i took my son to the doctors as he was complaining of headaches and he was being sick in the mornings, the doc said… keep a food diary… i went to A&E and sat there for 7 hours to be told there is nothing wrong. I took my son to my eye appointment at Specsavers to be told he’s optical nerve is swollen, long story short…3 and a half years of chemo radiation etc and my 11 year old boy had no more fight in him and passed away in my arms, its been nearly 2 years since he’s been gone and the pain is agonising, i am angry, moody, demotivated, i want to ask that stupid question… why why why. And only 1% of brain tumour research funding goes to children! Grieving for your child when they were still alive was torture but then i forced myslef to think… i had time with him to make memories, i was still trying to see some light even though its near impossible too…
Does anyone believe in life after death? Or anything where i can find some comfort. I just need to know his okay… or not, sorry… i sound like a crazy women. Adapting without him is… there are no words for it.
I’m sorry for your devastating loss of your dear son. I lost my precious son in Aug 24 in different circumstances but the only thing I can say is that I do feel as if his spirit lives on , his energy is still with me and I can feel his prescence with me. It’s hard to describe in words but his love for me and mine for him is always there and I can feel it as his mother. x
Sorry I meant to write in Aug 23 !
Heyjude5312 and jas1 I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my beautiful daughter and best friend aged 41 Nov 26th 2024 suddenly and unexpectedly to a spontaneous intracranial haemorrhage. I constantly say ‘why?’ At one point over the last 41 weeks I felt as though I was learning to live with the pain but I feel like I’ve hit a deep trough and don’t want to get out of it. I want to be with my daughter so much and every night go to bed hoping I don’t wake up in the morning. I plead with my daughter to send me a sign that she is okay, but nothing. Bereaved mums I met on here in the first few months after Lauren died are not on here any more and I wonder if they have been able to move forward and I don’t feel like I have. I have counselling regularly and she tells me life will never be the same but I will find joy again in a different way than previous. My gp prescribed sertraline, I cry a lot. The only time i don’t cry is when I’m busy decorating, cleaning, gardening, physical labour, but then I’m exhausted. I sound like a broken record saying it’s not fair. I’m not living in existing.
Thank you for reading.
Bam how can you feel anything but heartbroken after your loss. I find writing to my son in a journal everyday helps a little. I suffer from chronic migraines now due to the constant grief so I don’t always write messages on this site as it’s hard to concentrate and be coherent!
Hey Bam, thank you for responding to me, i thought i deleted my message but i obviously didn’t.
This is the thing, i don’t see many signs etc, i journal a lot and have done since the age of 13, i used to be such a optimistic person and always grateful for the small things and always said to myself b4 i lost my boy … there are wosre off people out there than me and i would count my blessings but now i sit and think… ive lost my son, there is nothing worse than that!! I have a daughter who is 6 and i am so grateful for her, she is my angel.
I totally understand you and i know our journeys are different, i am here if you ever need to vent.
Hey Jas1
Thank you for responding to me and i am sorry for your loss too. Reqding your msg gives me hope that my Jude will give me some signs one day, when he is ready and when he feels i am reqdy too i guess.
Hello, Bam. I am still lurking here, although I don’t post very often, because I really don’t know what to say anymore. It is 45 weeks today that we lost Simon. Like you, I keep myself very busy with projects around the house and garden, plus crafting bits & bobs for charity. It has helped to make some sense of my existence, but I still regularly cry throughout the day when I’m on my own or driving alone in my car, and also when I lie down at night. The thing is, grief isn’t like an illness. We are never going to over it, pills aren’t really going to do more than mask the pain, a good night’s sleep isn’t going to help. The pain will be there all the time and we have to live with it. Personally I don’t think I’ll ever feel happy again, but at least nowadays I can laugh over a joke or a comedy on TV. I hope the relationship with your grand daughter is improving now. Sending an enormous hug. xx
Hello, HeyJude5312. I am very sorry to hear that you and your precious son were let down by so-called professionals. It sounds like you did all you could and were a wonderful mother to him. I can understand how exhausted and devastated you feel. I also lost my son, but he was 33. Simon’s death last November (due to Infective endocarditis - a heart infection) has brought unimaginable sorrow. In a way, he was also let down by the medical profession because nobody ever put two and two together to realise that his symptoms might have been caused by his faulty heart valve. He was partly also to blame, because he just would not go back to the doctor when we begged him to. Being a young male, and initially being told by a doctor that he probably had long covid, he thought that he could deal with it himself. If he’d been younger, I would no doubt have dragged him along to another appointment, but as he was an adult, I didn’t feel I should interfere. I really wish I had though, as he might be with us still. I think about that a lot. There is so much guilt and heartache associated with being a bereaved mother. Not much help, I know, but sending you a big virtual hug. xx
Hi Simon’s mum. Like you I’m lurking in the background. Some good days some bad days. Still can’t really believe Lauren has died. Still have counselling once a month and am on sertraline. You are spot on with projects to keep busy. Just had loft converted for storage, so panted it and put flooring down before i set to filling it with stuff I will never look at again. Just had bathroom ripped out for converting to wet room, so plenty of cleaning of dust and brick rubble.
Relationship with eldest granddaughter who lives with us is a little better mainly because I’ve learned to ignore the fact that her room is a mess all the time. Youngest granddaughter is now very good with me and hubby. I think because we talk about her mum so very much which she doesn’t get with her dad or other grandma.
I haven’t reached a point where I can justify my existence now as I feel my sole job was to have Lauren and take care of her. I love Calum my son but he does not need me, Lauren did and I believe I was there for her throughout.
Everyday I plead with Lauren to send me a sign that she is in a new dimension and that one day we will be reunited. Feathers, smells, robins, I put them down as Lauren but they could easily be coincidence.
Mornings are bad for me. I wake and feel as though it’s just happened. It’s like Groundhog Day. Nights are fine, u read before I go to sleep which is what I have always done, so usually doze off thinking of what I’ve read.
I don’t cry every day but when I do it’s full on.
We still have not finished sorting our Lauren’s house, every time we go it breaks my heart because she was happy there.
Like you I feel as though I’m just repeating myself. The realisation that this is my life now and I have become a totally different person that has no joy in her life.
Dreading 26/11
Love and 
hugs
Dear Bam, everything you have written chimes with me. Nowadays I keep my grief very private, because other members of the family and friends understandably want to move forward with their lives. I cry when I am on my own, often when driving. The smallest memory or thought can set me off. Sometimes I shed angry tears. The waste, the utter waste of what should have been a full, satisfying and useful life. I too am dreading the first anniversary (30th November). What a long and lonely path we walk.
I know I’m fortunate because I can and sometimes do cry in front of and with hubby, I can’t cry in front of Isabelle because she accuses me of making it about me and ‘making less’ of her grief. She has obviously seen or heard it on tik tok. The things that set me off crying are random. Wiping down the kitchen surface with a cloth from a pack that was at Lauren’s, the realisation she will never clean her house that she was so proud of again. This morning i looked at a group of pictures in a frame of kids grandkids and hubby and thought I need to update them as we are older and it hit me that I will never have any more photos of Lauren. It’s not fair.
Sending you hugs
Xxx
I don’t post, just sit alone . Losing my beautiful James continues to shatter my world into a million pieces . As a palliative nurse I’ve failed James at the final hurdle and i can never forgive myself. I feel cast adrift in a new world unable to navigate myself through the thick clouds of sadness that surround me. I should have been there x
Hey, thank you for your message.
So sorry to hear about Simon’s traumatic journey. There are no words. We look at life so differently now dont we.
If i knew what i knew now i could have done a few things differently.
Here for you x
Even in times of great sorrow, the love of your child will never fade. Hold their memory close, and let it give you the courage and hope to keep moving forward."
Amid your sorrow, your child’s love remains a light within you. Carry their memory with hope and courage as you walk forward."