My soul mate and the other half of my heart

Its been 18 days since you passed away ii never saw it coming i thought you were getting better and going to come home soon but then they found you unconscious and said you had gone into cardiac arrest and it wasn’t looking good i begged them to keep trying and they said they would then I got a call back 30 mins later to say they couldn’t get a rhythm and you were gone it broke my heart I can’t accept that you are gone I still keep talking to you and missing you I’m so empty and lonely without you I just want to be with you this world has no joy in it without you for me I love you and I always will you are everything to me and always will be in 12 days I have to say goodbye at your funeral I don’t know how I’m going to get through that you gave me the best years of my life the 20 years and 8 months we had together I will always cherish in you Pauline I found true love I feel like I’m in a daze all the time doing what I need to on autopilot but I’m nothing but an empty shell without you I go most days without even talking to anyone I wish I could have been with you to hold you and tell you I love you I’m struggling to get up every day and when I go to bed I lay looking at the empty spot where you should be and longing for you I have our dog and 2 cats to take care of they miss you too if I didn’t have them I would give up

8 Likes

I am sorry to read of your loss Casey. The early days are so raw, go gently.

I hope that you have the support you need and find this group as comforting as many of us do here.

Thinking of you.

Merrin x

Thankyou merrin at least here people understand no one else seems to

Hi there I have just read your heartfelt post and I understand this terrible feeling of loss. My husband died in my arms from cancer 3 weeks ago. We met when i was 20 and he has been my other half for as long as i can remember. I am totally lost without him. I dont know how to function at the moment and cant quite believe he is no longer here. I am going through the motions but have no idea how I will cope. I feel very lonely as he understood me so well. We are lucky to have found love but of course the parting is so painful.

2 Likes

Thankyou BETTYBLUE I’m so sorry for you’re loss I know the pain you are feeling and yes the parting is so painfull but I would never give up the years I had with her she was amazing and understood me I have ocd so I’m a real pain to live with yet she still loved me she was the kindest most gentle person I have ever known with such a good heart

That’s what love is Casey. You accept each other’s imperfections and funny, annoying ways because you love each other. How old was Pauline? I am pleased you have the pets to keep you going and look after. It is such early days for us so the pain Is acute at the moment . I have no wise words of comfort but I hope you can hold onto the wonderful memories you made together

Thankyou BETTYBLUE Pauline was 52 and I’m 54 i was so blessed to have the time I had with her I have never loved anyone as much as I loved her and I have never been loved as much as she loved me she showed me what real love is and will always hold my heart

Goodness, young too. I am 55 and my husband had just turned 59 when he was totally crushed by lung cancer. You feel as if you have been robbed of a future which is hard to come to terms with. Hopefully, with time, we will feel a bit stronger and more able to cope but it is such early days. It is good to think back to good memories. I am trying to do that because there was such suffering in the last 12 months of his life. I want to remember happier times. When is Pauline’s funeral? It is hard I am afraid. I was very fortunate to have good friends to prop me up

BETTYBLUE Pauline’s funeral is on the 14th of May its a cremation half of her ashes are going back to Ireland to go with her mum and dad the other half are coming home with me so that when I go out ashes will be put together I hope she would be happy with that her 2 brothers are good with it we were a lesbian couple so not everyone understands Pauline was Catholic so it will be a Catholic priest I’m still waiting for them to call I hope they are understanding of our love I was her only partner I am so sorry for the pain you are going through and for the pain your husband went through Pauline was in a lot of pain her legs and feet were swollen and red she had blisters and ulcers on them and her feet would bleed when she stood on them she was on bloodthinners due to 3 bloodclots in 2019 on her heart lungs and leg she was so breathless and then she got another infection in hospital and something they call an impaction which is a blockage of the bowel she couldn’t keep anything down she wasn’t even allowed to ear or drink anything in the last week and was in so much pain they wouldn’t even let me visit her in that last week as she was on a surgical ward we last spoke that evening at 7 30pm and she said I’m so tired can I go now of course I said yes go get some sleep but looking back I think she was asking if it was OK to go I’m not Catholic I’m church of England but I do believe in God and I believe in heaven and that our loved ones are no longer in pain and one day we will be reunited with them until then we keep them with us in our hearts souls and memories

Love is love Casey. My husband was brought up a catholic (he was french) but not practising so we had a really informal service with upbeat music that he liked. It sounds like your lovely partner had a hard time with her health. Did she have cancer? Are you managing to talk to friends? I have clammed up because what can people say except they are sorry and you dont want to bring them down. I hugged my husband as he died and in the early hours of the next morning, my dad died. My husband spent his last couple of weeks in a hospice and they were amazing . They are calling each week to see how I am. Could you ask for some counselling, anything to help. I am so sorry for anyone going through this. Life can be very hard.

BETTYBLUE when Pauline had ct scan back in 2020 they asked her if there was a history of lung cancer in her family so we were worried about that for months but no she didn’t as far as we know she had fluid on her lungs and also copd which I have too her health had not been right since the bloodclots I only have friends on Facebook and they don’t know what to say to me that is so hard losing your husband and then your dad I’m so sorry for your pain what was your husband Name? I feel for anyone going through this I lost my mum when I was 13 I never thought anything else could ever hurt me as much as losing her did but god was I wrong this is so painfull it hurts even more you can talk to me whenever you want at least we have people here that understand exactly how we are feeling take care and stay strong

Hello @Casey1

I’m so sorry for your loss. It sounds as though things are tough at the moment and you are feeling overwhelmed.

I’m glad that you’ve been able to share how you are feeling here, and I hope that you find the community a good source of support. Everyone here has experienced the loss of a loved one and will understand some of what you are going through.

I think you might benefit from counselling. Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service that could really help you. It’s free and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about the service here: www.sueryder.org/counselling

Take care,

Mick
Online Community team

Thankyou mick I will look into that because you are right I am feeling overwhelmed every thought I have is of her

Casey1
And no one does understand this unrelenting horrific pain we are going though (16 weeks tomorrow, can’t stop counting) and when it happens to them, they will get it.
They will then know what loss is and I pity them for what they have to face, a nightmare every minute of every single day.
A pointless existence, no future and living in the past, not able, willing or motivated to think of a future without our soulmate

1 Like

Maigret I totally agree i feel for anyone who has to go through this I’m sorry for your loss and the pain you are feeling but I guess we were lucky to have met our soulmates and have the time we did even though the time we had was not long enough

1 Like

Hi casey just checking in to see how you are. Did you get a priest to take pauline’s service. I hope you are managing. I wish there was an easier way to get through this but hang on in there

Hi BETTYBLUE thanks yes I got a Catholic priest to take paulines service I went through it today with him I picked out a poem its the one I posted on here earlier I also wrote her eulogy and sent that to him its been a tough day how are you doing?

Dear casey1
Folk say you have your memories but memories are for sharing, laughing at, being proud, sad or humbled- all with the person who made them with you.
Who wants to hear about the time we done this that or the other - they are only stories to others, but precious to us both. Memories are not helping me at all right now, I don’t think the counselling is helping either, I may be expecting too much though.

1 Like

Dear Maigret I agree memories are for sharing the only ones that understand are those going through the same I talk to pauline all through the day and night but it doesn’t take away the fact that she is not here I miss her and everything about her I’m sorry the counselling is not helping hang in there and keep trying we have to for our loves that we lost as hard as it is although at times it seems impossible take care

1 Like

Casey
I have read all your posts and I feel your pain so much. It is now 2rs and 8months since my Ron died and all I get from people now is ’ At least you have your memories.’ I am so glad that other people on here find memories more painful than anything. They are for sharing with the one you made them with and remembering them alone is a nightmare. What point is remembering the happiest days of your life when you are now in this nightmare of unimaginable grief? People talk such rubbish but it is in ignorance.
Sometimes I wish that I had no memories at all and that my life would just carry on in blissful ignorance until I re join my love forever. As it is everything is a constant reminder. The only thing that is a little less vague are the flashbacks to when he died and the raw stabbing pain of remembering his illness and what we went through,never thinking I would be left alone.
I wish I could help Casey but grief is so individual and hopefully you will tap in to a source that helps you best. I was never a believer in God but I somehow believe in Angels and every single thing I have asked of my guardian Angel has been granted even if only for a little respite. I know that the future gets slightly easier to bear but it is not the future I ever wanted. I send you virtual hugs. Xxx

6 Likes
Back to top