Hello all. My partner died suddenly of a heart attack a week ago. I wasn’t with him and there was no indication he was ill. We didn’t live together and were only together 18 months, but it didn’t matter to us about the length of time we’d been together as we were true soulmates. We had so much in common it was hard to believe. I am really struggling to get through each day. His family just don’t call, they don’t appreciate how much we meant to each other. I feel totally alone, excluded. His PM is today and I know I have to call his mum later, or anytime, to find out anything. He had an estranged relationship with his two brothers but everyone is rallying around them when it’s really me who is grieving the most !! It’s like ‘we’ll grieve with our family and you grieve with yours’. Why can’t we grieve together? It comforts me to be with them, I feel closer to him but no. Gary & I were in touch 10 times a day or more, said ‘I love you’ every day, planned to travel and live together. It’s all so unfair to be snatched away in an instant. He was my absolute world. He was an amazing guitar player and sang and I miss him so much it’s unbearable. His brother has his house keys & phone. I want all our photos and messages, why doesn’t he just give me the phone ? We never had any secrets. They said I can take things from his home that are mine. How heartless are these people ! I don’t have the strength to tiptoe around them, I’m too sad and trying to look after myself , but I feel I have to because if I say something wrong they might exclude me from his funeral !!! I’m so sorry for ranting. I don’t have any close friends and my 2 sisters are hopeless and don’t check in with me every day or visit. Mt boss has been pretty shit too. Life is completely depressing for me at the moment and I don’t know how I’ll cope with his funeral or the weeks and months ahead. I really am struggling. I know it’s early days but thanks for reading this far x
I’m so sorry, how cold and thoughtless can people be. I’m not sure how well you already knew them, I’m really hoping they wake up and realise that he did not belong to them alone Hopefully they will give you the phone with all its memories my partner had been estranged from his family and the coroner tracked them down, I did everything to contact them and encourage communication even to see if they wanted any of his things but nothing, they organised a direct cremation no service, the coroner took pity on me and told me where it was so at least o was there but no service or friends and I wasn’t supposed to be there these things are painful cannot people see it’s awful to feel excused I’m really hoping they will open their eyes big hug for you
Thank you for understanding Caroline2. I knew his mum & one of the brothers pretty well as he lives with her & we had lunch, visits etc (the other brother lives in England, we’re in Scotland, I only met him once). They probably don’t realise they’re being this harsh but I’m devastated. I had to ask for the keys to the house and they’ve messaged today to ask me to take them back tomorrow ! I was in Gary’s home constantly and he in mine. I feel like some ‘girl friend’ not his significant other. I was the most important person in his life. He loved his mum but it’s not the same lol. Gary would be absolutely furious if he knew they were treating me this way ! I’ve enough grief to deal with hour to hour without this added stress. It’s such a mess. After the funeral & the house is sold I’ll be distancing myself. I really thought his mum & I could stay close but after this week, and the way they’ve been, that won’t be happening 
I’m so sorry to hear your experience too. I really feel for you. Some people can be heartless at such a traumatic time and don’t consider a person’s feelings - love, sadness, grief. I hope you’re able to move on if only even slightly from that x
Thank you it’s over a year now, although at the time I really wanted connection with his family as part of him, now I can be quiet at home and feel close to him, I have some of his things around the door is always open but I don’t think now they will be in touch. The strange thing about grief is everyone has their own experience and it’s so huge it’s hard to think how others may be feeling I’m hoping for you that maybe things will improve with them, especially his mother x
Ah time isn’t always the great healer as they say I find. I know what you mean about being close to his family to be close to him, I’m the same but they don’t want that. I must upset his mum too much. I can understand the brothers are protecting her but I’m grieving massively… on my own ! I have some of Gary’s things around too, it’s a comfort isn’t it? I’m not sure his mum will come around, she listens too much to the brother who lives with her, to keep the peace. Such a shame, as I don’t have a mother and Gary’s mum & I got on well. It just hurts, that’s all. I’m heading to his home shortly for another visit before they have the keys back tomorrow. Thing is I only had a yale as Gary never locked both his door locks. That’s why I had to get the originals from them, as they locked both ! You see, they didn’t even know that he never used both locks. They knew very little actually, I knew everything ! I feel I won’t want to visit again in case they’re there ! Oh the joys of dealing with a partner’s family x
I’m happy that I was in my partners house, Allan, and that I had the chance to keep his special things which I have around me, I wanted that connection with his family but it hasn’t happened I do not understand why that should be so. When my mother and stepfather died I still had the key for the French doors to the garden, even though the house was repossessed and it was miles away in the new forest, I spent so much time with them there it was home, I would drive down and let myself in with their dog which I now had, just to be there places matter by relaxing there I was led to the loft and found all my stepfathers family photos and portraits which I bought back to London and gave to his daughter which meant she could put them in her family memoir ‘the lost cafe Schindler’ what I’m saying is places and things matter big hug and I’m carrying on hoping your relationship with his mum continues X
Oh kid … i know ! People are so horrible and heartless ! I sometimes think family are the worst cos you expect them to understand your relationship you had with your partner and yet they don’t want to ! I was wondering other day … is it cos theyre jealous ? Who knows ? For now you look after yourself and deal with the funeral … at least you got his messages on your phone from him ! Take good care ! Thats whats important at this moment xxxx
People are just plonkers in my experience … the human race has lost the plot if you ask me ! You cant even grieve in peace anymore !!
Hi @Catlover2512
My God I know your pain.
My partner and I met after he’d come out of a loveless 26 year marriage with a narcissist.
He didn’t really know what love was when we first me but we had such a connection and understanding with each other. He hadn’t been shown any love or affection for 24 years and that broke my heart. He became such a loving person and we had the most amazing 3 years together before he died.
Although his family recognised our relationship I had no legal ownership of anything. His daughter who lives 6 hours away was legally NoK and he had no Will. I have had to deal with a very fake and self entitled ex wife who suddenly is proclaiming her love for him and manipulating his daughter to exclude me from things.
This makes my grieving even harder as I feel like I’ve been cast aside. We lived together so I have to face every day without him here……they just don’t understand that.
I’m so sad to hear you don’t have much support, I cannot imagine how you have coped so far. You know how much you meant to each other and it’s so cruel how people behave in situations like this.
My workplace hasn’t been very supportive and I’ve really tried to go back and get on with things but I’m so angry with it all that I’ve decided to leave.
Please reach out on here if you need to talk, sending big hugs xx
@Ripley I’m so sorry to hear that you are having to deal with an ex-wife and daughter when you are in such enormous grief. I know exactly what you’re going through, I have the same struggle with my Gary’s family.
Gary had no will either and we weren’t married or living together so I feel completely excluded. Didn’t have any input to the funeral or the humanist either ! I had to order a wreath on my own and send a few words to the humanist to include me. The funeral director wouldn’t deal with me as I wasn’t ‘the client’. All of which added a huge amount of stress that I didn’t need.
I still don’t have Gary’s phone with our photos/messages.
My work aren’t supportive either. My boss texted last week to say ‘let’s chat about a phased return’ when I hadn’t even decided that I was going back ! It felt like she was saying ‘you’ve had 4 weeks, that’s enough’. I’ve taken 2 weeks sick leave, that began yesterday. Heaven knows how I’ll pull myself together to go back, although I know I will have to at some point, bills need paid etc.
No close friends and no contact from family anymore. I feel as though I need to get myself through this somehow.
I think about Gary every day… places we went, where we planned to visit, his laugh, his jokes, his singing & guitar playing. If it rains I’m sad, if it’s sunny I’m sad too.
It’s all so bloody unfair, cruel and awful having to face the rest of my life without him.
Thank you for your kind words and complete understanding.
I hope there’s some light for you and I somewhere down the line. It’s all I have left to hope for but it still feels too distant at the moment xx
I was told I couldn’t go to my partner of 13 years funeral in April this year because it was my fault he committed suicide.
I don’t know whether he has a headstone as he was cremated.
They didn’t want to know him when he was alive, but they took from me and arranged funeral shared ashes.
I have no closure. He was the love of my life.
I speak to one family member but the rest have turned on me. He would be so sad looking down.
Do you know you can find out from the crematorium where they are ? There is definately a way of finding out … perhaps start with your local council and they will be able help you ? Xx
Hi I know which crematorium it is.
I was going to call them today.
It’s just so sad, it’s like I’ve been in a coma , coming out of it and realising where is he.
No goodbye, no closure acknowledgement his gone.
Everyday I think his coming back. This can’t be the end of him.
We loved each other so much.
Were you in a formal civil partnership?
If so, you are entitled to the ashes under intestacy law and to memorialise as you see fit
Hi
No just living together for 13 years.
Means nothing.
Unfortunately common law means precious little in UK
I found I needed a place to be able to spend time with my partner
You could look into a memorial tree at the crematorium or the like that offers or represents a type of sanctuary for you to spend time with him
Ive still got my husbands ashes but when im ready to do it im gonna look into a memorial tree at the crematorium … i think its a lovely idea xx