My Wife Ended Her Life

Losing a partner
1

On August 17th, 2025, i came home from work to find my wife dead on the bedroom floor. She was dealing with mental illness, but only for a short period. About 7 weeks. She deteriorated so rapidly i couldn’t keep up with caring for her. I’m 37, she was 49. We had been married for 8 years.

I feel like I’m burning alive. I function. I gym, walk my dog, eat well, I’m back at work after a month off. All i want to do is die. I have potentially decades of life ahead, the notion of living them without her is excruciating.
I want to kill myself, but i cant because knowing what it is like to find the body of my wife, i cant have my parents or sister find the body of their son or brother. I also can’t abandon my dog, he is dependent on me.

I know to not look too far ahead, just live moment to moment. But every moment is just as excruciating as the next, so it feels like im just functioning in fire.

I keep getting trapped in the flashback of finding her on the floor, how her face looked, her lifeless wrists and the sound of the screams coming out of me.

I feel like im in a prison, sentenced to burn alive for decades until those who care about me have gone so i can finally die and my family wont have to experience what im going through.

I write to her everyday in a journal. I talk to her. Nothing helps. Everything everyone says sounds annoying. “You’ll heal, you’ll recover, you’ll get through this.” Through what? She’s dead, that will never change. How will i ever be at peace with the memory of finding her? What does ‘healing’ mean? I don’t understand. How am i ever supposed to be ok with this? I don’t want to be anyone else’s husband. I have our wedding rings around my neck on a chain. I have photos everywhere and paintings Ive done of her. How could i ever bring someone else into that environment?
“Yes please, come over, by the way I’ve got photos and paintings of my late wife everywhere, look here are our wedding rings and those are her ashes on my bedside table. Oh by the way my dog has fear aggression and will attack you.”

Im in therapy and will start EMDR soon, but i just hate it all. The world is just static noise now and i resent having to be alive.

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Hi @Daniel37,

I’m so sorry to hear about your wife. It sounds as though things are very tough and you are in a lot of pain.

It sounds like you’re looking for support and I’m glad that you’ve been able to share how you’re feeling with us. It is very normal for people who are grieving to feel a bit lost and not know where to start.

We know that a lot of people experience suicidal thoughts when they are grieving, and it is often about wanting the person who has died back or life to go back to how we know it. We have a video about it here which you might find helpful:

https://griefguide.sueryder.org/support/suicide

There is lots of other support out there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling.

  • If these thoughts of suicide become overwhelming, please call 999 or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.

  • You can call 111 and choose the mental health option to speak to a trained mental health professional (England, Scotland and Wales only)

  • Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.

  • Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text SHOUT to 85258 and talk to them about anything.

  • You can find your local NHS urgent mental health helpline here.

You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area.

You deserve care and support so please, @Daniel37, get in touch with one of these services.

Take care,
Alex

3

I am so sorry Daniel. There are no words i can find to say. This site is a good place for you to reach out to and get support. Please take care of yourself

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Dear @Daniel37
I’m sorry you’ve lost someone so dear to you.

My 52 year old fit and healthy husband died in his sleep in March. I was the one to find him and it still traumatises me. My lovely warm husband was lying cold and it was in that moment that my happiness died. I relive our last 24 hours together wandering if I missed clues.

In the first four months after my husband’s death, I too wanted to die - actually, I wanted to be wherever he was. I wanted to walk holding his hand and listening to his voice.

But no. We’re stuck in this sh*t show, this half-life.

I would never harm myself because I have a teenage son and I am now his only parent but I have no dreams or aspirations.

I won’t tell you to be ‘brave’ or ‘strong’ because people who say those words have no idea what we’re going through.

Just look after yourself even on days you may not want to.

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Daniel, I found my husband dead on our bedroom floor. I didn’t scream, I froze and the whole world tumbled around me.

It has not yet been 2 months and believe me, what you are feeling is completely normal. Normal. It is grief.

You will walk around in fog, confused, sad, depressed, anxious, emotional, unable to eat, sleep, or form sentences. You’ll have chest pain, headaches, be angry at the world, scared, hopeless and wanting to be away from people and noise. Normal.

This part is what we have all been through. My husband died a year ago. I have been where you are. I can tell you this, it won’t always be this way. In 2-3 months, you will begin to have a better grip on your life. Then at about 9-10 months, another grip. It is a gradual process so don’t think you are stuck here forever. You aren’t.

I am glad you have sought counseling. You grieve your way, there is no right or wrong.

I didn’t leave the house except for necessities for a year. I couldn’t. However, I just returned from a holiday in Rome. I promise, with each step “it” gets better.

I cried the whole way home, but I went.

Much love

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Additionally, we do learn to live with the loss. It is always there, but we can have a really good life even so.

It just isn’t time for you yet. There is no magic pill, no magic words, no elixirs that can rush grief along. You have to walk the path. No one will have any idea what you are going through unless they have been in your shoes. They don’t know and may say stupid stuff. Yours is the only life that stopped, theirs went on a usual. Forgive them for the dumb things they say.

Take advice from those who have walked the walk.

I am so sorry your wife died. I am so sorry for your broken heart. Take good care of it.

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Hi. I’ve just read your entry, and just reading it, makes my heart hurt.
It seems that life can be so cruel, i think that sometimes it just is. No explanations, no words that help or heal.
All that i would like to say is that if you feel that you want to kill yourself, please, please speak to somebody, anybody, to let them know how you feel at this moment. No, they won’t have the answers. They can’t make it go away. But confide in somebody.
You said that those close to you, you wouldn’t want to hurt, so wouldn’t go through with it. You are clearly hurting, grieving, and depressed. I can’t remember now if you said you were taking medication, but if not, it might be worth talking to your gp about antidepressants as a start.
I hope that you have had support already to identify your coping strategies before your EMDR therapy, to help you manage when the support isn’t there, and when you are on your own, dealing with this.
My sincerest thoughts go out to you

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Daniel
I’m so sorry for you having lost your wife in such a tragic way

I understand that feeling of just having to survive to spare others pain

I’m pleased to hear you are going to have some help because life sounds excruciating tough for you
You can write any stuff on here because someone else will have some idea where you are coming from and have faced that same emptiness

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I’m so deeply sorry, Daniel. Reading your words, it’s impossible not to feel the weight of what you’ve been through. Losing someone that suddenly and in such a traumatic way changes everything, and the pain you describe makes complete sense. You’re not broken for feeling like this. You’re grieving something beyond words.

It’s good that you’re in therapy and starting EMDR even if it doesn’t feel like much right now, just showing up for it is an act of strength. I lost my partner too, and I know how endless and isolating it can feel. But please know you aren’t truly alone, even though it feels that way most of the time.
I have two dogs, and honestly, they’re the reason I keep going some days. They keep me grounded and give me small moments of peace when nothing else can.
There’s no rush to “heal” or move on. Just surviving each day right now is enough.