Hello to anyone looking at my post. My wife lost her mum to illness on 19/04/2018.
I’m trying so hard to comfort her without smothering her too much, however everything i do is wrong it seems i’m making things worse. This hurts as all I want is my wife back. My Daughter is staying out of the way as much as possible as is my Son. I just don’t know what to do next without distancing myself from her ( surley this would be wrong ) ?
Any advice would be a great help.
Regars Rob…
Hi,
I’m sorry that both you and your wife are having a really difficult time at the moment. Your wife’s Mum died 3 days ago so I expect she’s experiencing a whole load of different emotions at the moment and anger is very normal.
People grieve in lots of different ways and I have read a few posts where people are really angry and taking it out on their partners or spouse for no reason. They know their partners have done nothing wrong but they’re unable to stop being angry at them. You kick those closest to you when angry or hurt.
When my Mum died I know my then husband was at a loss to try and help me with my grief. I suppose the truth is that you can’t completely help a person deal with grief or try to them move through it. It takes time and a lot of patience.
Whe we lose someone we love it’s so difficult for eveyone involved. When you say ‘distancing yourself’ from your wife what do you mean by this? I know when I was grieving I didn’t want anyone constantly with me, asking if I was alright or trying to do things for me. What I did need was knowing that there were people who loved me, close to me if I needed them.
My husband kept saying ‘I don’t know what to do for you’ and the answer was there isn’t anything specific. Just let me grieve in the way that I need to.
I’m sure there will be other on the forum who have experienced what you’re going through & will share with you.
Please keep posting & take care. Trudy x
Hello Rob,
Welcome to this community. I am sorry to hear of your loss and the strain this is putting on your relationship with your wife.
Grief is extremely personal and looks different for everybody. However, anger is a common emotion that is often experienced after the loss of a loved one and, as your wife’s loss is so recent, it’s understandable that she is feeling this way.
It can be difficult to know how to support someone who is grieving, particularly when you may also be feeling sad and your children too. It’s important that your wife knows that you’re there for her, even if you’re not quite sure what she needs.
We have some information on our site about the various emotions that accompany grief and how to cope with them. You may find it helpful to have a read of that here
Cruse also have a useful page of information about how to help someone who has been bereaved
I hope this helps.
Take care,
Eleanor
Online Community Manager
Hi Trudy,
Thank you for the response it was much appreciated. Just to pick up on what i said about "distancing " myself from my wife, i was thinking such as wait until she comes and asks for reassurance that all will be ok, or that i care how she feels, rather than tell her every now and then. This is what seems to be the problem. She says I don’t understand her feelings however that’s what i’m trying to learn so i can help.
Today she and her Brother have arranged the cremation date 11/05/18 at 15:30. The problem is we should be leaving for the airport around 2:30 am the following day. I want to cancel the Holiday but she has told my Daughter she wnts to get away ?? I’m just so confused is this the grief ??
When I suggested we should stay home out of respect she got more upset.
It just seems everything i do is wrong. If she does insist that the Break goes ahead then maybe she should go without me,I don’t want to make things worse. It’s just that the way things are it would be so hard to hold it together especially out of the country.
Good evening Elanor,
Thank you for replying to my plea for help.
I’ve had a look on the link below and will give it a read when I’m alone, as i feel anything would upset my wife at the moment, even discussing it on your forum.
It is a little like walking on broken eggs at the moment, this said I don’t want you to think I’m feeling sorry for myself that’s just not the case. I just want advice on how to help my partner.
Kind regards Rob…
Hi Rob
I just wanted to offer my perspective. My dad died in May 17 and 6 weeks later my mum was given 6 weeks to live. She is still just about with us but to say the last year has been hard is an understatement. My husband has been absolutely amazing. He’s truly given up everything to help me but I’m still angry and snappy at him all the time.
I’m really feeling sorry for myself and angry with the situation but snapping is my way of feeling I still have some control to the crazy life I am in. I know it is not fair on my husband. I also know I will eternally be greatful for his patience.
My advice is try to keep calm. Don’t keep asking if there is anything you can do, just be there in the background. The one thing I wish my husband would do is just give me a hug every so often. You don’t need words. Just be there to pick up the pieces when she turns to you rather than pestering her when she needs space.
I hope this helps. It is very early days for her and you.
Good luck
Ann
Hello Rob
I lost my Mum last August and my poor Husband felt the loss too but was very worried about trying to help me cope, without wishing to sound too harsh you can’t. Nothing you will do will be right as you can’t fix it you can’t bring her Mum back which is all she will want at the moment. Some of the anger might be to do with if she is feeling guilty about anything even if there is no reason to. The best thing you can do is give her plenty of time, reassurance that what she is feeling is ok we need permission to feel the way we do, and listen don’t try to fix it just let her talk and gradually it will improve. I agree that you are the closest person and she will take her emotions out on you its a very difficult time for you all and I promise you it will get easier.
Take care x