It is not a failure asking for help. I broke down this morning and a friend helped me to calm down. I was ok for a few hours and now it is getting dark and I’m on my own and tears are coming again. I ll listen to a story soon to help me sleep, but this ache never goes. Soon it will be dark nights and wintry here, I m not looking forward to that, especially with Covid seeming to be on the rise again.
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Thank you Bjane. It is different, we were saying weeks ago before she passed how much we had been through over the years together, I think we both thought that there would be more time, and how quick it was at the end I just have not been able to understand. Less than 24 hours between the ambulance and saying goodbye a final time. I was fortunate to be with her for most of that time, I know a lot of people have not been able to do that, which is so very sad. I never thought I would watch her slip away as I sat with her, knowing I could do nothing to help.
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Computer 135 never think of anything you do as a failure! Just getting through day after day of this hell is a massive achievement. As well as our grief we have the added pressure and isolation of coronavirus , which seems to be felling many people who only have that to deal with.We’re all doing ok and need to hang on to any support that comes our way. Hope tomorrow is a better day for you x
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So sorry you had to see your wife slip away so quickly, that must be so devastating.My Malc had a stroke in his sleep and never regained consciousness, went alone in the ambulance , couldn’t see him for two days, then could for two and then got phoned the next morning to say he’d died,No chance to say goodbye, tell him I loved him, all the things you want to say . But I realise how painful it would have been to have those conversations and then be there when he slipped away. Both situations equally heartbreaking. But we’re all still standing and support on here can help us not to reach rock bottom, sometimes just writing about things can help a little. Take carex
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Hello my friends, I’d just like to say I know how utterly abysmal the bad times are but please try to remember that we are all here for one another. My crying has increased lately but reading your sincere conversations is a godsend.
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Hi Jim, abysmal is the word. We’re such a sad little bunch but definitely all here for each other, offering support and understanding . Everyone on here just gets it without any lengthy explanations being necessary and I am truly grateful to all the lovely people on this site. I hope there are less tears tomorrow. Take care x
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It’s both calming and helpful to be able to read posts on this site. Being alone now for the first time in 45+ years, I am very scared of the future but having been able to be with my lovely wife as she passed, I am not afraid of going myself any more. I am scared of walking into the empty flat once I have been out. My hopes walking back home are that she will be there, sitting in her chair and turning round to smile at me. I vividly remember the last time she did that, shortly before being taken ill. In a way I am lucky, immediate family is quite small, me, my sister and daughter, both with their own families and locally, some good friends, but even with all that, the rawness of being the one still here is hard. I read comments on this site and know that others feel the same. It makes things just that little bit more bearable.
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This site has been a godsend, we all understand each other. In some ways it’s hard to read about everybody’s pain and yet it makes you realise the strength of love we shared with our partners. If we hadn’t loved them so much we wouldn’t suffer such pain. I suppose it’s a small price to pay for the many happy years we had with them.
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Malc and Toondale, yes it is sad to see that so many people are in such pain but reading of others’ experience and feelings is strangely comforting. I think it’s a lot to do with having our own feelings validated , there’s no well meaning person on here trying to talk us out of being sad . Everyone understands because they are going through the same, having loved so much, then lost. Sending love xx
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Toondale, yes, that makes sense to me. Was looking through some old photos earlier remembering some of the happy times, there were many and you are right, when you share a life with someone you love it does hurt when that person is no longer there. It is good that this site enables us to talk about things.
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I feel all you pain, its My wedding Anniversary on Sunday 45 years , I to fear for the future we did everything together ,bad days I wear his shirt it kind of helps ,When he was ill and on end of life I was so busy caring for him , people phoning ,asking if they could do anything for me ,after the funeral no body rings its as though hes been forgotten in a way :o( with the covid its so difficult to meet up with people in the same situation ,I have 2 daughter and a grandson we have supported one and other ,they are back to work now( working from home ) I know that they would drop everything if I needed them but I am taking baby steps ,went for a few walks with my dog when the weather was good I have a list of house jobs for the dark winter days which I am not looking forward to it so just living day to day ts early days he only passed away 11 weeks ago ,I think I may need some councilling from sue rider who I could not praise them enough what they did for us
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Don’t hesitate, Daisychain, get on to Sue Ryder for counselling as there is a shortish waiting list. As you’ve already had experience of them you’ll know how amazing they are. My counselling has been brilliant, unfortunately soon coming to an end soon but it has really helped me in many ways. Your loss is very recent and I now what you’re going through and really feel for you. I worked it out this morning and it’s 23 weeks today since Malcolm died and like you and your husband we did everything together. Losing your partner just turns your life upside down and you don’t realise that until it happens to you. We were married for alimony 49 years and
I got through our wedding anniversary about three months after he died. It was painful but you can do it! I decided to go out for a nice meal with our son and his fiancée, to mark it , and treated them as Malc would have wanted to . We are lucky to have families who care about us although we don’t want to be a nuisance to them. I hope you are all right on Sunday, will be thinking of you . xxxx
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Hello I am sorry for all your loses & grief.
I lost my just over 2 months ago & my heart is broken my wife Tanya was diagnosed with Metastatic breast Cancer that had spread to the bones and later to the liver she was diagnosed in Aug 2019 & passed away on the 20 July this year and I miss her so much.
Tanya was going to the gp with pains all over for about on & of for about 18 months but was told the pain was all in her head.
If gp had sent her for tests she may have still been here.
We have a 14 year old Daughter and we both are dealing with grief different ways but we both miss her so much.
Good luck all.
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sorry for your loss Geoffs the group will support you
Hello Geoffs
I re read your post about your Tanya not being sent for tests by the gp. I am so sorry to hear about your loss and this aspect. My Rose had hip pain for almost two years and gps could not agree on the diagnosis. In addition to this two weeks before her passing she had visited a & e 3 times in a week with excruciating pain. Her treatment there was poor and we have asked for this to be investigated. It will not bring her back but I owe it to her to pursue it because she made notes, recordings and even took pictures whilst left alone. Her pain was ignored because of shortage of trauma staff and they focussed on her bipolar, which they assumed, wrongly was causing the problem. For the next 2 weeks she told every medical person who she spoke to about what had happened. It has made her passing more sad because we do not believe proper care was given.
She was very critical of her care and the lack of staff and resources was put down to covid 19 and reorganisation.
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I am so sorry for your loss.
We all know that covid is bad but there is know excuse for what happened to your wife we all know are own bodies & if there is some thing wrong we go to the people who can help us & they let us down.
OI made my complaint to the nhs complaints department as if it went to the Doctors surgery it might have been covered up like your self it won’t bring them back but I want some answers as I think if they had acted sooner Tanya might have still been with us.
I made the complaint about 6 weeks ago & not heard nothing yet so I was going to chase it up.
Good luck with your investigation.
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Thank you. It is a few more weeks on anf I find myself able to do more, but at times, nothing seems worth it. I have no one with me to love, care for, talk with, ask advice from and on goes the list. I was my wife’s carer for the last few years and I don’t even have that usefulness any more. We spent 45 years married and another 4 before that, now I just try to get through the day until it is time to sleep. I have some counselling beginning soon, perhaps that will help.
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Malc, I do know how that feels, the lack of usefulness. You will feel it so badly as you were your wife’s carer for a long time , it’s a very strange feeling. I wasn’t my husband’s carer in that sense but he had type one diabetes and for the last few years had not been managing it so well. He was prone to unexpected hypos, sometimes during the night , and on a few occasions recently he needed paramedics. I didn’t like to leave him alone and was always conscious of whether his blood sugar was going low and if he needed to eat ,etc. It’s now six months since he died and I’m still finding it hard to come to terms with the fact that I’m not looking after him any more. I’m feeling that I’m not useful and don’t have a purpose now, it’s so hard after many years of caring. I do hope counselling works for you, I’ve just finished my course with Sue Ryder and found it really helpful , the counsellor helped to ease my feelings of guilt , let me pour out my grief . Just being listened to felt good and over the weeks she made me realise that I was actually moving forward, although very slowly, and I hadn’t been aware of it. But do be prepared to feel pretty upset after the first one as it’s painful stirring it all up again, and a little bit after the second but very beneficial after that. So please try to stick with it if you can . Take care x
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Thank you so much
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Hello Malc.
I am 3 months since the loss of my wife to Metastatic breast Cancer that had spread to the bones and later the liver I was my wife’s carer I made sure she took her medication & took her to every Hospital appointments.
When she passed away Started Counselling & the first 1 is very hard but don’t hold nothing back if you need to get upset don’t worry no one will judge you.
I have a lot of guilt but I think I will live with that for a long time.
We were married for 23 years and we have a 14 year Daughter my wife was 51 & I miss her very much it is the loneliness when I walk in to the House.
Good luck Malc.
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