My wife Passed away after a long illness

Dear All after a long illness my wife Passed away. For past twelve years I have been her full time carer. I am finding it very hard to cope with loneliness as I have no family.

Hi Mac im very sorry for your loss.I understand the lonelines im like you was my wifes carer (for 8 years ) and also have no family .Take it a day at a time dont plan if you dont have to. My advice is this go to see your doc re medication to help you (im on medication ) also maybe phone the Samaritians like this club they never close and will always listen.Try to have some me time away from your nightmare your brain and heart need a rest.Because your nightmare will patiently wait for you .Keep coming back dont be a stranger on here Colin (im 57 my Denise was 41 she passed 04032016 on her birthday)

Dear Colin, thank you for your reply and kind words. My wife Marion suffered a stroke in 2005 resulting in left side paralysis who required 24/7 care. We coped with the support of the care workers. She never ever complained about her disabilities. We were married for 34 years. She was my friend,wife and my soul mate, I miss her so much. Life became a bit challenging in past two years, when she was diagnosed with COPD and Lung Cancer and since last Christmas Marion was on Oxygen 24/7 since then I have found it very difficult to sleep as during the night I had to make sure the oxygen tubes were attached to her every hour or so. However seven weeks ago Marion was admitted to the Hospice where on 9th July she passed away. My world just tore apart 34 years passed away in a flash. I am finding it very hard to cope with the emptiness I have in my heart. I miss her company her love and sharing everything with other. I am 67 and Marion was 72. I am on medication also I am receiving counselling. Colin just now I think the life is a bitch.

I cared for my husband for many years , Before his death, sadly he had to go into a nursing home nearly a year before he died because I could no longer cope at home.He died earlier this year when he was 67. What I have found is that keeping busy really helps. It does not stop me grieving because grief hits you via those little things that you often when you are least expecting it. I have found that because of his death, my horizons have opened up. This is not what I would have chosen, and I would have him back in a heartbeat if that were possible, but it isn’t. I do voluntary work, made new friends and have taken up some new hobbies. You have to grit your teeth to do it, and open up to others. It does get better, or at least more bearable but I know that you don’t get over it, you just get used to it . All those who have been through it tell me that and I am sure they are right. We all have to do some planning for the future but try not to waste time worrying about how you are going to manage, how you are going to feel, how you are going to get through the days, particularly the anniversaries. It is very easy to get drawn into such thoughts and I try to avoid them now. They say live one day at a time and if you can stick to that it is good advice.

Dear SGC,
Thank you for your kind words and inspiration. My memory of my wife is very raw (only four weeks) I have the Rotary Club members support and am involved with their charity as a club member, I am also involved in the Other charity work, although I have so many people around me the emptiness in my heart is unberable. This week I have put my car in the lockup and got my bus pass, I travel everywhere with my bus pass. If I had a pound for everyone who tells me the time is a healer I would be a wealthy man. Just now I do not feel that’s correct, every thing I touch, feel and remember has the association of my wife. Most difficult time is the night time when I am alone.

Dear Mac Des
I am sorry for your loss and as you say it is still very very early for you. My darling husband passed away four years ago this Christmas he went to work and didn’t come home he was 58 the pain is still there it never goes away you just learn to live with it, and sometimes you do OK other times you don’t. I have only recently managed to give his clothes to charity and even now when I go in a drawer in the kitchen I see the highlighter he used to use when doing his holiday sheet for work. We didn’t have any children and we had plans to move to the sun to live so I have lost my future as well as the love of my life. Keeping busy is the way to go but also give yourself time to rest and be kind to yourself. The reality is friends give you a couple of months of sympathy then expect you to be back to normal - it doesn’t happen like that and there is a saying that you can be lonely in a crowded room, and I feel that most of the time and the next person that tells me to keep my chin up might regret it!!! I Look after yourself and take care - Marilyn

Dear Marilyn,
Thank you for your kind and inspirational words. I never thought Marion would ever leave me. Like you where ever I go in the house Marion’s scent is there. Although in past two years Marion was completely housebound and in past six months completely bed bound her presence was so precious to me that we sat for ages on bed reading, talking and watching tv, these are the moments I miss so much. Like yourself we have no family therefore we lived for each other. Just now I feel half of my life, soul and heart is stripped away. I miss Marion so much that I have no more tears left and spontaneous crying is always still there, specially in the evening. Our dream was to go to Goa and perhaps settle there. Marion loved her time in Goa we used to spend winters in Goa. The thought of going to any holiday without Marion is unbearable.
I have many friends who visit me or we have get together time but the emptiness in my heart is always present. Is time really a healer Marilyn? Take care Kind regards
Mac

Dear Mac
Time eases the pain it’s not so raw but I don’t think it will ever heal completely, like me you have lost the love of your life, soul mate and friend we were planning on settling in Lanzarote our favourite holiday place the flights were booked to go out and look for somewhere to live. Even now nearly four years on something happens or someone says something and the tears come. I feel robbed of my life as I’m sure you do it is so unfair. It angers me when I hear women moaning about their husbands I want to tell them how lucky they are to have them around. I have been on holiday on my own it is really hard and a struggle but after a few times it got easier, but I I’d still prefer him with me though. It is early days for you don’t let anyone rush you or push you into doing something, do things when you want and when your ready. You seem to have many friends I hope they help you. Chat anytime you want I might not have all the answers but like everyone on this site we have all been there. Take care Marilyn

Dear Mac
Time eases the pain it’s not so raw but I don’t think it will ever heal completely, like me you have lost the love of your life, soul mate and friend we were planning on settling in Lanzarote our favourite holiday place the flights were booked to go out and look for somewhere to live. Even now nearly four years on something happens or someone says something and the tears come. I feel robbed of my life as I’m sure you do it is so unfair. It angers me when I hear women moaning about their husbands I want to tell them how lucky they are to have them around. I have been on holiday on my own it is really hard and a struggle but after a few times it got easier, but I I’d still prefer him with me though. It is early days for you don’t let anyone rush you or push you into doing something, do things when you want and when your ready. You seem to have many friends I hope they help you. Chat anytime you want I might not have all the answers but like everyone on this site we have all been there. Take care Marilyn

Dear Marilyn,
Thank you again for your kind response. Marion Passed away on Sunday therefore Sundays are not the best days. Your kind words today have perked me up slightly. As from tomorrow I have taken up volunteering for a veteran’s charity a couple of days a week. I have known many people there for quite some time, hope this will help the healing process. Please do take care of yourself.
Kindest regards
Mac

Dear Mac
Isn’t it strange how we dislike certain days mines Wednesdays. I volunteer too a couple of days a week in the offices for Age UK the girls have been great and it’s different people to chat with. I hope your volunteering helps but remember be kind to yourself have lazy days have memory days have a massage! take care Marilyn

Thanks Marilyn,
Will keep you posted.
Take care
Kindest regards
Mac

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