I feel so much alone my Susan’s death was so sudden we had only been together for eight years she was my strength she supported me when we met as I was going through a difficult time in my life she taught me how to enjoy life getting me to go on holiday for the first time at the age of 65. I feel there is no real future without her. I have thought of ending my life but I think of the mess I will leave behind. I am a retired psychiatric nurse and I am sure feel I should be able to cope one person said You know the stages of grief I am sure you will be fine. But I am not fine I just want to be on my own most of the time just can’t cope with people they don’t even mention my Susan the one thing I want to do is talk about her so I talk out loud on my own I tell her I love her but there’s no reply I am crying writing this life is so unfair she only 68
Hi Theo im so sorry for your loss, i lost my Diane last October and i break down in tears every day, i still talk to her like she is still here i cant believe that she has gone, its so painful i know, i dont know what to do or where to go with life i miss her so much, i have started keeping a journal and i write to her every day about my feelings and what im doing, i keep a candle burning by her picture and ive put together a photo album of our life together from when we met, it gives me a bit of comfort, i wish you the strength to carry on
Hello, you will still be in shock, losing a partner is truly shocking & your brain just can’t understand where she’s gone, other people mean well but none of us know how awful it is until it happens to us.
As for the stages of grief everyone is different, missing stages, going back again and again to a certain one or not going through any of them, grief is personal and individual.
What do you think your Susan would say to you now? If the roles were reversed what would you say to her now?
Unfortunately I find a lot of people don’t talk about your loved one, they probably mean well but it made me feel like he didn’t exist, I’ve found writing daily in a diary helps, telling my husband how I feel, what I’ve done today etc…I found it keeps the connection.
The early days where you are, are the worst, for me as time passed the shock wore off, I adjusted to a new routine, managed to get back to eating properly etc and I am able to remember the good times with a smile rather then tears.
I’ll always miss him & he’s always on my mind but it’s like he’s tucked away in my heart & I carry him with me, they were so special to us that our grief is ours alone.
So chin up try and remember how your feeling is normal but you will adjust and Susan will be cheering for you & will pat you on the back when you meet again.
Many thanks for your reply it does help to hear from you I am worn out can’t sleep at night snooze during the day
Theo1. I’m so sorry to hear that Susan died, right before Christmas. These first weeks are the most horrible, and just because you were a psychiatric nurse doesn’t mean you don’t hurt and grieve like everyone else. Yes, we all grieve in slightly different ways, but that doesn’t mean it’s any easier.
Some people don’t know what to say, and I think it’s sometimes a relief for them when we bereaved make the first comment - it’s like a relief valve to them. My brother lost his middle daughter to suicide a number of years ago. He’s never really talked about it, until now, and I now realise that maybe we should have raised the subject, but didn’t. My nephew has cancer and is only in his 40s, with a wife and 2 young children, and they and his parents just don’t want to talk about it. So we’re all so different. My brother said to me last week that they felt his son in law suffered more than they did at the time, as he was living with her 24/7 and they were a bit detached from that as they didn’t live nearby. Until I lost my Mary in November, I’d never thought of that - having lost a child - born alive at 28 weeks gestation, I always thought losing a child must be the worst thing ever. My current grief is so far worse!
I think there’s a balance to be struck in talking about our wives/partners but I feel I’ve managed that and talk about her to all the family and to friends too, but hopefully not excessively or with too much sadness. But I’ve also been in tears with family and friends too.
I cry whenever I write on here, whether about me or in reply to someone like you Theo. I’m crying right now as it happens. I’ve often wanted to be alone, and have had to force myself to say yes to many invitations, but not always. I’ve visited the grave everyday but one, and I talk to her there, about what’s happened in the day, read her the daily quote from her “Daily Devotions” calendar, and play videos and songs to her. I say good morning, and goodnight every day too, and tell her I love her more times than I ever did, and that was always at least once every single day. I even give her photo a smacking great kiss every day.
We’re all here for everyone else and we’re all walking a path we didn’t want to be on, but we have no choice.
Take care my friend, we will all get there - but it’s just baby steps all the way there.
Much love M
I lost my darling Chris at the end of October, and my one consolation is that he never had to go through the grief that I’m suffering now. But Theo, your life is still incredibly precious, and you know that your Susan would hate you to think about ending it. I love the lines Robert Burns wrote for his friend, “If there’s another world, he lives in bliss; If there is none, he made the best of this.” I like to think that there is another world and Chris will be waiting where I can find him, but I just don’t know – none of us do. Please take care of yourself.
Theo, I am so very sorry that your beloved wife died. Doubly awful that she passed on Christmas Eve. It is an Earth shattering event and our entire world changes in the blink of an eye. We, here, understand and we have all survived our losses even though we thought it impossible.
The first month is the worst as we are confused, numb, sad, depressed, lost, filled with anxiety, sleepless, not eating, loss of short term memory, afraid, sick in the stomach and digestive tract, existing in a fog and have no where to escape from it all. It is normal. These feelings fade a bit as time passes and we adapt to this new, unwanted life.
For now, all you must do is pay the bills, feed yourself nutritious food, force yourself to eat a few small bits of food, stay hydrated, take your meds and vitamins and keep the pets fed. Everything else can wait and will wait.
For me, I was overwhelmed with “must dos” for the estate and trying to function in a black out fog. Here is how I managed:
Make a list of 5 things you must accomplish each day and mark them off as you complete them. It is a visual reminder that you are, indeed, functioning albeit miserably and slowly. Live hour by hour. Do not grieve for the future lost as you will grieve it when it gets here, you can take that from your shoulders as we do not have to grieve things that haven’t happened. I still can’t think of my entire life without my husband whom I lost 17 weeks ago or I will crumble into a puddle of tears and fears.
His death is a surreal as the day he died. But, I have managed to make it 17 weeks, each day progressing a bit more towards a completely different life. As I say “this is a club we didn’t ask to join and which we can’t quit”.
I understand not wanting to live through the pain, but you will. Hour by hour, step by step you will make it. We can all attest to this fact.
Meanwhile, cry your heart out. The tears will stop flowing one day.
No one knows what to say to us. It’s okay. We didn’t know what to say when others lost loved ones. Often, and usually, people do not talk of your loved one because they believe it will make you even sadder and they want to uplift you instead. It’s okay too. If you need to talk, come here and chat. There are many people in the same boat and can help you through the process.
No one but a widow or widower really knows what it is like.
“I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, but am honored that you spent the rest of yours with me.”
Much love
Hi Harvest1 and Theo1, so sorry for your loss! I lost my hubby last Sept to cancer. He had been feeling fine till Dec 23. He could not eat anything or get up from the bed. When my neighbour asked me, ‘how are you’?. I could not stop crying. He went only downhill since. He did not want to leave me and doggie Alfie. He insisted to stay at home. One night in Spet he fell off and I could not pick him up. That was the time we had to move into a local hospice. He passed away after 4 days. He died in my arms. I promised him to bring him home, and look after our beloved house and garden. His ash urn is with me and Alfie every day. I kiss good morning and good night every day. I also keep small candles beside his ash and photo. They are chargeable candles for safety reason. I never let candles go out. I always recall I left him alone behind in the hospice. That thought makes me wail. We had ever leave each other for 22 years. Before the funeral I could not bear thinking he was alone out cold somewhere. I do the daily duties and cry every night. This is my new normal life now. We used to tell each other every day how happy and content we wete. How much we loved each other. But these words left my dictionary forever. I can understand your pain and loneliness and emptiness. There is not much we can do. The only time when I feel l little comfort is the time when I think, ’ I gave him a very happy marriage.’ And ’ fortunately it is me felt behind to suffer, not him.’ Take care!