My wife passed on

My wife passed on the tenth of June and I was not with her she had suffered a heart attack . I tried to revive her and kept going till my son took over from me the paramedics tried to restart her heart but it was to late . The guilt I feel is unbareble why was I to late , why could I not bring her back .

Im so sorry for your loss Wilson. Dont fill yourself with guilt. Looks like you did everything you could possibly do. Hindsight is a wonderful thing they say, My wife passed in April, and just stopped breathing through MND and i have often wondered, could i had done more at the time, and i know deep inside, there wasn’t, but like you, still plays on the mind. Im sure our loved ones would not want us going through life racked with guilt. …John

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Sorry for your loss johnD I am sure it must have been hard to watch your wife suffering from Mnd . But I just feel I have let her down I have failed to care for her the way you have you stepped up to the plate and looked after your wife . I never did enough pushing the docs who where treating her for her heart problem I should have stepped up to the plate

I’m so sorry Wilson to read of your loss and distress. I too think your thoughts in respect of pushing the medics but I blindly thought they were doing the right thing at the right time. They were not. His drugs for the Congestive Heart Failure were never balanced and despite promises of a pacemaker they had said would prolong his life this never materialised, we didn’t push because we thought the drugs were still working and besides, I was brought up in an age when Drs wore white coats and swanned around like God’s never to be questioned or doubted. My Husband passed away of a cardiac arrest due to the Heart Failure. You are very right to when you comment on how hard these thoughts are to deal with. It’s so soon for you and these thoughts may fade in time for you. Or you may be strong enough to have a discussion with the doctors in the future and probably have your mind put at rest. For now it’s probably all you can do to keep going and that takes a lot of emotional and physical energy but somehow your body keeps you going. I’m truly sorry I can’t be more positive but I send compassionate thoughts and sincere regards.

You haven’t let her down Wilson, and i am positive she will think the same. Dont punish yourself, be more kind to yourself. grieving is a hard thing to cope with as it is, I think we all know that on here. Im am now a believer in the spiritual existence after extraordinary unexplained events throughout the few weeks after the passing of my lovely wife. I know they are around us. Talk to her Wilson. To a photo, while quiet in bed. Tell her how you feel. Have an open mind, It does help. Im sure she would tell you your guilt is unfounded. All the best…John

Sorry to hear of your loss Tina. Your so right. We rely entirely on doctors to do the right things, prescribe the right drugs, which isn’t always right, and they have to change them, sometimes by my own observations some were not right, which made me angry. Was always doubtful with GPs, who only had general knowledge of condition, was always better with specialists. Best regards…John

Thanks for your reply John and I’m so sorry to read of your distress. You gave some really good advice in your posts.

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I am so sorry you have lost your wonderful wife but I am also so sorry that you are carrying around so much guilt for something that you could not change. You tried, God knows how you tried to revive her, how many people can say that they once tried to save someone’s life, in my opinion you deserve a medal for what you did. You have nothing to feel guilty about, you did what you did out of love, you did not sit back and wait for the paramedics to arrive, you got on your knees and tried. You have had enough to contend with since your wife died in June, it is still raw and so fresh in your mind and apart from the terrible nightmare you are going through, you have had to contend with the funeral, the never-ending paper-work that comes when someone dies and that in itself is soul destroying. Put all your energy into grieving and remembering your wonderful lives together and stop feeling guilty. You loved your wife very much and she loved you and when she died you were at her side, trying to bring her back and if that isn’t true love, I don’t know what is. You take care Wilson and please stop beating yourself up and take pride in the fact that you were there for her in her hour of need and that is all a person can ask of anyone. Love Sheila xxxx

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I am so sorry you have lost your wonderful wife but I am also so sorry that you are carrying around so much guilt for something that you could not change. You tried, God knows how you tried to revive her, how many people can say that they once tried to save someone’s life, in my opinion you deserve a medal for what you did. You have nothing to feel guilty about, you did what you did out of love, you did not sit back and wait for the paramedics to arrive, you got on your knees and tried. You have had enough to contend with since your wife died in June, it is still raw and so fresh in your mind and apart from the terrible nightmare you are going through, you have had to contend with the funeral, the never-ending paper-work that comes when someone dies and that in itself is soul destroying. Put all your energy into grieving and remembering your wonderful lives together and stop feeling guilty. You loved your wife very much and she loved you and when she died you were at her side, trying to bring her back and if that isn’t true love, I don’t know what is. You take care Wilson and please stop beating yourself up and take pride in the fact that you were there for her in her hour of need and that is all a person can ask of anyone. Love Sheila xxxx

She complained earlier in the day she was not feeling to good and I said I was phoning for a ambulance , but she said not to that she would be fine if only I had phoned she may still be alive but as usual I gave in to her . Why did I not phone ?

Oh Wilson, you must stop beating yourself up about this. I wonder just how many people on this site and that definitely includes myself who wanted to call for an ambulance for their loved one but they would not let you because they said ‘I will be fine’. My wonderful husband of 50 years died three years ago and if you knew how many arguments we had because he refused to let me call for the ambulance, or he refused to take his full dose of antibiotics and I am shouting at him to please take them, but no, he always knew best. The very last time he was taken ill in the morning he refused to let me call for an ambulance, I cried, I pleaded but no. He was getting annoyed with me and so I let it go. A few hours later he deteriorated I then called for an ambulance because he was having trouble breathing and he was rushed into hospital where he died the next day. I asked the doctor if my husband had got into hospital earlier and had taken the last weeks dose of antibiotics would he be here now and she said, we will never know now. I felt guilty for not shoving them down his throat, but when I spoke to the doctor again later she told me that I had nothing to feel guilty about, because no-one can make someone do what they don’t want to do, they are adults with minds of their own. I then became angry at my husband for not fighting enough to stay alive, different emotions went through me, but in the end I let it go, no amount of what if’s would help, all I knew was that I had wanted him to go into hospital in the morning and take his tablets but he didn’t want to so there was nothing more I could have done. I don’t feel guilty anymore, I feel anger sometimes towards my husband for being so flaming stubborn because he might have still been here if he had got into hospital sooner or taken his tablets like he should have. But I will never know now. So Wilson, do not feel guilty for not calling for an ambulance, because your wife didn’t want you to and you had to respect your wife’s decision. As long as they have a say in what happens to them then that is their decision and you have to respect their wishes. You will go through different emotions like I did, be angry with your wife for her refusing help, be angry with yourself for not standing up to her and doing what you wanted to do, but in the end it just comes down to one thing, you cannot make someone do what they don’t want to do. Stop feeling guilty and be proud of yourself for doing all you could to save your wife’s life, that is what you should be thinking about now, how you tried. Sheila xxxx

Your are right that you can take a horse to water but you can’t force them to drink . She was a stubburant woman and she always said she wanted to die at home in her own bed and hated hospitals so she got her wish in that respecte . I am thinking Sheila that you and I where married to very similar people and we could never win . Thank you for replying to my messages people like you on this site are of help to me and others so thank you for that . X

You are very welcome Wilson, I totally agree with you, my husband absolutely detested going into hospital and was a stubborn man. You need to think about yourself now, you have a long, hard road in front of you and the last thing you need is to feel guilt. All the advice I can give, from someone who has been through this and in a way is still going through it because the grieving never ends is that you never forget your loved one but you have to get up each morning and put one foot in front of the other because there is nothing else you can do. You take care Wilson.xx Sheila.