My wonderful dad

I lost my perfect, amazing, superhero Dad suddenly on Monday evening and I am so unbelievably broken. I am full of guilt over not phoning an ambulance sooner, he insisted he was fine, but i should have trusted my gut and done it anyway. He’s having a post mortem tomorrow and i’m terrified it will find he died of something completely treatable if only I had got him help sooner. I have so many regrets and wish I had said so many things to him while I had the chance, told him how much I loved him and how very grateful I was for everything he has ever done for me.
He was due to retire next year and was so excited about it and had so many plans but now he won’t get that and my mum has lost her person she’s going to grow old with. Unfortunately as he died so suddenly, there are a lot of things we need to sort out and it’s all really difficult cos I have no idea about tax, life insurance, a will, pension or anything like that. He tried so so hard to make life as easy as possible for his family and I feel like he would be so angry at himself to see us struggling with this, he’d feel like he’d let us down and the thought of that is heartbreaking.
I’ve spent all day thinking of things he said and I never replied to, just silly things like when i’d make a drink and he’d want something different from everyone else he’d say “i’m so sorry my love, I do cause you a lot of extra work don’t I” feeling guilty because I’d have to make 2 different drinks. Why did I never answer him and tell him it was fine??? When he had a pulled muscle and said how useless he felt because he couldn’t help with things why did I not tell him he wasn’t useless??? Useless is the one thing he never was. He was such a genuinely good man, an amazing dad, he made sure I always had what I needed and nothing was ever too much trouble for him. I still can’t believe this is actually happening, it still doesn’t feel real.

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Condolences on losing your Dad, I myself lost my father 2 days ago and I’m currently going through a rollercoaster of emotions.
I read your post and I think your feelings towards regret are totally normal at such a difficult time although from the situation you explained you will not have thought for one minute that what has happened was going to happen.
In relation to not phoning an ambulance sooner that was you respecting that your dad knew what was best for himself and you respecting his choice which is a good thing in itself.
As a father myself I don’t want or expect anything from my daughter I just want the best for my daughter, The things your father did for you were done out of unconditional love with nothing in return expected.
The situation you were faced with did not afford you the time to say the things you wished you had said, many people say these things when someone is suffering from a illness which gives them the time to do so but the tradeoff is having to witness the decline of the person they love.
As a father myself I can honestly say each day with my daughter is like a lifetime of happiness so if your struggling with your emotions at any point you could try and work out how many lifetimes of happiness you gave to your dad.

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Hi carolina81
I’m so sorry to read about your dad.
I lost my dad to a sudden heart attack when he was 53 and my mum to a sudden brain haemorrhage last year when she was 74. Both had post mortems which do help in learning what happened.
My dad died without a will and my mum and I spent months going through probate court.
My mum had a will and my sister and I sorted the grant of probate and estate online.
You will get there. At the moment just worry about you and your mum. Try and rest, eat and take things one step at a time.
You are still in shock and need to take things one hour at a time at the moment.
Try not to feel guilty although I know it’s hard. Your dad knew you loved him and he loved you and that’s all that matters.
If your dad had a heart attack its very unlikely getting an ambulance sooner would have made any difference. My dad died instantly according to his post mortem and my mum happened to be in hospital having a minor procedure when she had her bleed on the brain. Neither could be saved.
Cheryl x

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Hi C1971. Thank you for the reply and I am so sorry for your 2 huge losses. I’m trying so hard to take things one step at a time but it feels like I have a thousand things to do at the moment. We’re trying to sort out all the paperwork for the solicitor to organise probate, as well as arranging the funeral and dealing with my dads clients contacting me for refunds for work my dad died before finishing. On top of that there’s money worries and stress over how we’re going to pay the next bill which comes in. I really feel like it’s all getting too much for me to handle.

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Hello Lrac. I am so, so sorry about your Dad. Sending lots of love to you and your family :hearts:
I really appreciate your message and your opinion on things from a fathers point of view. Some of the things you said have helped a lot, especially about respecting his choice to not call an ambulance. Thank you,

I really hope I did give my dad a lifetime of happiness, he deserved it so much.

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Hi caroline
I’m sorry to hear that. You need to speak to your solicitor for advice as you may not need to pay those refunds immediately.
I hope you are bearing up ok. I’m pretty numb most of the time and just get on with the day ahead. I’m never happy since I lost my mum x

I’m so sorry to hear about your Dad and what you’re going through as a result. My Dad suddenly passed away in May and despite a post-mortem and toxicology, it’s still quite unclear as to what exactly happened. Not to worry you though - I’m sure you’ll find exactly the cause. My Dads body wasn’t discovered until a while later so that’s why they struggled with the cause. I identify with what you’re saying about the guilt. My Dad was on the phone to me telling me that he was in so much pain he was going to die and at the time I sort of brushed it off and thought he was being dramatic (as terrible as that sounds - he did like to overreact!). It is very tough because you can’t help but think about what could have been done to save their life. My Dad had instances with the ambulance in the run up to his death and I was angry because I worried they released him too early and didn’t safeguard him properly. I’d think if only I was there with him, or if he had his phone on him, he could have called for help. I suppose 6 months on those thoughts have passed - they trouble me much less now - I guess I’m gradually on the road to acceptance. He was only 50 and I’m 24. It’s been really tough. A final bit about you saying how you wished you said how much you loved him etc… I identify with that too. I never really told my Dad how much I loved him and how grateful I was for him. But my partner reassured me that he knew, It didn’t have to be said, it’s shown by actions and unsaid words. Your Dad knew how much you loved him. Please be easy on yourself. My thoughts are with you during these very challenging times and once again I’m so sorry for your loss. The bad days will become more infrequent although it may be hard to imagine so. Xx

Hi Steph421. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. My dad was 70 and I feel that was too young, I can’t imagine how hard it would be to lose a dad when they’re only 50.
I completely understand feeling let down by the ambulance service. My dad was terrible at going to the doctor, he would only go if he was feeling really, really bad. He phoned a few weeks before his death and was told to call back if he got worse . A week before he died he’d had a blood test and never heard anything back. The day before he died he called 111 and they told him not to worry and he’d be fine. Just 6 hours before he died he called his doctor again, quite clearly struggling to talk and breathe and still nothing. It’s very frustrating knowing that if people had done their job properly, both our dads may still be here, but I just think what my dad would say - he’d shrug his shoulders and say “ce la vie”. He wouldn’t want me to be annoyed about it, we unfortunately can’t change anything and thinking “what if” all the time just makes the pain even worse for ourselves.
Thank you for your reply. Where as I wouldn’t wish this feeling on my worst enemy, it’s comforting to know i’m not alone in feeling how I do. I hope you’re doing ok. Take care xx

This is something that resonates so strongly with me. I was with my Mum when she collapsed on 6th November and I too find myself feeling guilty for not having done more. I rang the ambulance straight away when I found her, however because of the way she fell, she was stuck and I could not move her by myself and the lady on the phone asked me if I could give her CPR. The ambulance managed to get her breathing again when they got here but I still carry so much guilt about that… (she was in a coma for a couple of days and died on 8th november due to bronchopneumonia)
People keep telling me guilt is something a lot of people feel after losing somebody. But I understand how you feel honestly. I also think about the last things I said to her, I should have told her I loved her, I should have told her exactly how much she meant to me… But the truth is, my mum knows exactly how much I love her and so will your Dad. He has had years of being with you and he will know how much he means to you so please don’t ever doubt that.
Losing a parent is a kind of pain that we will carry with us forever, if you ever need to talk just pop me a message, the death of my Mum is still extremely fresh in my life and affecting me every day so I know what you are going through.

Much love to you and your family and Rest in Peace to your lovely Dad :heartbeat:

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Hi Charlotte97. That sounds like a really horrible ordeal you had to go through, I had something similar with my dad while waiting for the ambulance to arrive. He was half on/half off a chair and when he stopped breathing we had to get him on the floor and it was virtually impossible. I am so sorry you’ve lost your mum so young. I will definitely send you a message, I feel like we’re in very similar places :hearts:

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I am having lots of these feelings and thoughts too. Why didnt i know my Dad hadnt been able to wash himself fr 2 weeks and hadnt been going to toilet . His inside was all blocked.
He hadnt took his heart meds properly for a fortnight I expected Mum to notice all this but she hadnt known .
I didnt know he was on Omeprazole for 5 years plus

Hi Mariner. I am so very sorry for your loss. The one thing people on here have taught me is that we can’t blame ourselves. You didn’t know for a reason and your mum hadn’t noticed for a reason - your Dad didn’t want anyone to know, just like my dad didn’t tell anyone how bad he was, and as hard as that is for us, we have to respect their decisions as grown men to keep these things to themselves. They knew what they were doing and i’m sure they had their reasons. We can’t be annoyed at others for not noticing or annoyed at ourselves for not knowing, and we can’t be annoyed at them for not getting help. They lived their lives the way they wanted and that includes the last few weeks of their life as well. It’s all such a horrible thing for us to go through and wondering if they could have been helped if they’d only reached out for some help makes it so much worse. Sending you lots of love.

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