My world has gone

Losing a parent
1

Hi everyone, I lost my wonderful mother on the 18/11/24 and had her funeral on the 17/12/24.

My world has shattered. I’m lost and alone just sitting and crying in this cold house, wishing it was me who passed.

She had been ill for a couple of days, with head-cold symptoms but i never expected her to leave me. She was cold and asked me to make up her hot -water bottle. I was only gone for a couple of minutes, but when i came back she was gone. I immediately started cpr. I felt her ribs break under my hands. The ambulance came quickly, and eventually, with meds, brought her back.

At no point did they tell me she wasnt going to make it. Both the paramedics and a&e staff gave me false hope and i’m so angry about it. About 1am they told me they werent going to do any more for her. Just like that. They were just going to let her pass. I sat and held her hand, praying for a miracle. No miracle.

I’ve had no support whatsoever from family and friends. Not a word of care, a card, a text, absolutely nothing at all. My world ended and i was alone planning a funeral. No help offered. I thought what on earth did i do to deserve this? Dont i deserve kindness? Or at least empathy? But no, nothing.

I planned the funeral, let every one know via text and email and left messages on answerphones but nobody replied. They just left me on read, until 1am on the day of the funeral, i got an email on behalf of all of them, asking where the chapel was. I had sent all that information two weeks before hand!

I honestly couldnt believe the blatant disrespect they gave me. I know i’m not entitled to support or anything, but basic kindness or decency would of been nice.

Nobody said a word to me at the funeral either. Not one word. They didnt bring flowers or anything either.

I mean, thats not normal is it? My own family, suddenly mute? No “sorry for your loss” or anything?

Its christmas day now, and i’m just alone, waiting and wishing for death. I have no spouse or kids, no pets, no other responsibilities. I work from home. I’m just lost in a cloud of grief.

Mum was such a kind, funny, wonderful person and i dont have the words to express just how much she means to me. I cant believe she’s left me. Im just lost without her.

Sorry for this wall of text.

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Hello @Nightwish ,

I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling like your world is shattered. I’m so sorry to hear about your mum and the added difficulty of being unsupported by your family. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support. In the meantime, you may wish to look at these Sue Ryder resources which might be helpful.

I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.

Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.

Take care,

Alex

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Sounds very much like my mum - taken into hospital because she had a funny turn that they blamed on UTI - basically let her die as they didn’t bother on checking on her when she was in pain - PM showed she had perforated diverticular disease with peritonitis which basically brought on sepsis

Her remaining other relatives nieces and brother don’t want to know friends have shown semi concern but I don’t want to be a burden

Been a day of shutting myself away in the bathroom from my partner to break down so he thinks I’ve got a strong head on today

It’s the fact that the hospital made no attempt to treat her for what was actually wrong and can’t help thinking back to rhar hour she was in pain (.they found her unresponsive ) was she asking for me - why she shouting for help , it’s when you sit alone everything that happened is like a stuck film continually replaying in your head

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Hi @Nightwish,
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your grief is so fresh & I can totally relate to how alone & devastated you feel. I lost my mum 5 months ago & I’m still a mess.
The NHS has a lot to answer for in how they have “looked after” our mums.

Please please please just take one day at a time. F those who abandoned you in your time of need! Now you know they don’t give a d&mn so don’t waste any head space on them. You did the right thing reaching out to them. Shame on them for how they have treated you! That is utterly disgusting. I had the same thing with some relatives & now I see their true colours I won’t bother myself with them ever again.

Vent your fury on this site & allow yourself to grieve. Don’t put any pressure on yourself. You just need to be. It’s a long road ahead for us all to find a way to exist without our mums but remember you are a part of her & her legacy of love & kindness lives on in you.

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So sorry for your loss, what a horrible family by the sounds of it. They say you can’t pick your family, I’m sure if we could we would all want a replacement. I lived with mum 55 years of my life so I know how you feel. It’s not easy when you lived with someone or been part of their lives for so long and then they no longer here. I wish I could wave a magic wand for everyone and make things right, but sadly I cant.

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I contacted the complaints - had a reply

If you want to complain on your mums behalf she needs to give her consent

When it was the bereavements officer responding so she’d have known mum had died

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Reading your post makes me feel very sad and my heart goes out to you. I lost my dad on 31/10/24 and the pain is very raw so much so I developed physical symptoms which has been put down to anxiety. I have never had this before so it’s very frightening for me as I have always been a strong character . Christmas time just magnifies everything seeing people happy with their families when you have lost such an important part of your life. I spend a lot of time crying and wake up sometimes gasping for breath and I can’t believe it’s real and that I will never see him again. Currently I don’t have any answers as I haven’t even began to navigate though this new world grief myself but just know you are not alone in your thoughts xx

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Hi
I know exactly how you feel
I suddenly lost my beautiful husband 8weeks ago today in similar cicumstancese we had been together for 42 years in total and married for 37 years
I am estranged from my family and have no children or pets
My family are aware of his death but no contact cards etc
Hi own brother and sister did not contact me over the festive period
I have spent today in utter despair and tears.
I just wanted to let you know that i am keeping you in my thoughts.

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Some human kindness is not too much to expect. It’s shocking how people are so wrapped up in themselves.

People on this forum do care & even with the weight of their own grief can provide solidarity & give sound advice.

Sending big hugs to all those grieving on their own :people_hugging:

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Thanks for that
I think if she was still here she’d now be laughing at everything went wrong from the hospital telling the bereavement office she’d been discharged not died till they corrected it and now we’ve had the registrar make mistakes on the death certificate.

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Be nice if the afterlife was like the film Beetlejuice watched the original on Christmas Eve. Bit if a Burton fan seen a lot of his films, always liked his take on the afterlife, but damn I forgot how young Winona Ryder was in that film. Fancied her think I still do, I had her pics, photos on my wall.

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I’m so sorry for your loss Goblinqueen. I feel the same as you. What happened in those minutes i was gone? Did she call out for me? Would she have stayed if i didnt leave the room?

Your situation also sounds familiar to my grandmothers death 5 years ago. She had a fall, and had a couple of fractures because of it, went into hospital and died through the negligence of hospital staff. She was kept lying down, and was given liquids by mouth instead of IV, until she aspirated. To this day i believe that because of her age, they werent even going to bother treating her.

Its devastating to think about. Please do reach out to friends though! Even if its just for a chat about nothing. I’m sorry that you cant rely on your relatives either.

For me, I bounce between binge watching tv and sleeping. Everything is wrong in my schedule, sleeping, eating, at the moment i’m just existing.

Sorry for the late reply!

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Thank you @Anna_321! I’ve never had much faith in doctors and sadly, this forum and my own experiences has confirmed just how bad the nhs can be.

I’m very sorry for your loss.

I’m trying not to think about my “family” but it just makes me so angry to be honest. That and just…sad, i suppose. Everyone i’ve had to deal with after my mums death has asked if i’ve got support. The medical examiner, the coroner, the funeral director, and i dont want to lie, but i just say yes because its easier. I mean what can they say or do if i say ‘no’? I said ‘no’ to the medical examiner and all i got was a long silence and then “…Oh.” I dont blame her or anything, because i guess its weird to not have a loving, caring family, but its just easier to avoid the awkwardness of it all.

You’re right though. I know what they’re like now and i wont bother with them again. I’m sorry you had to deal with such disgusting people too.

I’m just existing at the moment, I think thats fine. I know it cant last this way but i’m taking it one day, one step at a time.

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@Keith68 Thank you. I’m sorry for your loss aswell.

They’ve certainly shown their true colours, thats for sure.

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@SuzieT I’m so very sorry for the loss of your Dad.

I have the same symptoms. Everyone seems to think that its just mental and emotional pain that you go through when grieving, but the physical symptoms suck too.

Personally, i dont think its just anxiety, (for me), and of course i’m going to be anxious, but it just doesnt sit right with me, but there again, i don’t trust doctors anyway so maybe i’m wrong, but it just seems an easy out by a uninterested doctor to get you out the door for me personally.

I hope you have a good doctor though, and if you are receiving any kind of treatment for it, you feel better for it.

Christmas was very hard for me too. I went to the cemetery very early in the morning, then I think i largely slept through most of the day, something i’m grateful for to be honest.

I hope you have lots of support to help you deal and navigate this terrible new world.

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@Abbvis im so sorry for the awful loss of your husband.

Im sorry that your family and extended family are such disgusting people too. It seems its a reoccurring theme on this forum.

I hope you have a friend or neighbour to talk to for support?

Taking it one day at a time is all we can do.

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So so sorry for your loss

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