I don’t know where to start if I’m honest
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Ok mamabarnes get yourself a cup of tea and right down your story it may make you feel better to get it off your chest. No one on here will judge you we are all feeling the same as just want to help each other . Sending hugs xx
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Hi there none of us know where to start sadly. How can you put the grief we are experiencing into words? But funnily enough it does help a little to write down how we are feeling and knowing the people that are reading your feelings have experienced exactly the same nightmare as you. Take your time and if you feel like it return to this forum and let us help you through this. In a strange way hearing from people who have experienced this torment helps if only because it makes us realise this feeling is not unique to us - we all feel the same. At different levels maybe but we’ve all been there.
Great BIG hugs
Georgina
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Ok I’ve only ever spoken about this to my best friend and she listened and never judges me …I lost my daughter to epilepsy …my world stopped at 4:35am on the 5th of February 2018 I lost my first born to this cruel brain disorder and I couldn’t bring her back at first I thought she was sleeping even though everything was a blur that morning I had my sister telling me a few days later that I was shaking her trying to get her to wake up … I’ll never forget how she looked and the mottle look on the side of her face it will stay with me forever . As the year’s have gone past little bits have been eating me inside perhaps if the cord hadn’t been wrapped around her neck and starved her brain of oxygen she wouldn’t of had epilepsy and she wouldn’t of died … that’s my guilt I can’t get it out of my head . I take my grief minute by minute I cry in secret or to my best friend me and my husband never talk about how she died I don’t think he would understand my daughter wasn’t his biological daughter but he bought her up as his own since she was 4 year’s old …I can’t get my head around losing her I talk to her most days but it is so painful some days I can’t even speak her name other day’s I want to shout it to the world MY BABY DIED DOESNT ANY ONE GIVE A DAM and then a wave of guilt washes over me and I don’t talk til I’m ready I put a mask on every day the smiley face on the outside world and this face the one that is so damaged she doesn’t know where to start …I’m sorry
Oh my love what a cruel hand you’ve been dealt. I cannot imagine what it must be like to lose a child - losing my husband has been bad enough. Would it be worse ? Hopefully I’ll never know. My brother died coming out of school at 6 years old. He ran into the road and was knocked down. I don’t think my mum ever recovered from that miserable November day. Honestly I don’t think you will but I am sure punishing yourself is not the answer. It was not your fault your lovely daughter had epilepsy was it ? Yet somehow you blame yourself and I think that’s because we all want answers and sometimes there isn’t one. My husband died in bed beside me and although I tried to revive him he didn’t make it. Was it my fault? At first I thought it was because I didn’t do CPR correctly and then I was told nothing could have saved him and he didn’t suffer. Never made me feel better but I stopped blaming myself. It’s four years for you now please give yourself a break, you have been punished enough.
Keep talking if it helps
All the best
Georgina
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Thank you so much for your kind words talking about it aired a few demons as my mum used to say a problem shared is a problem halved but know bless her she doesn’t even know who I am anymore she got diagnosed with Alzheimer’s a week after my daughter died in a way she died that day too I’ve had a lot to deal with over the last 4 years
I never thought that have a community like this would help
I so sorry for your loss the pain never goes does it … I have a son who helps with my anger he sort of knows when I’m at my worst even though he lives 300 miles away
Much love
Lisa 
Putting it in words has helped a little this community has helped me deal with it a little better xxx
Many thanks
Lisa❤️