Nearly 3 years and I've almost lost it all due to guilt.

My story is quite long but i’l do my best on here to narrow it down. nearly 3 years ago I lost my mum after a series of events and bad choices that has brought me to the point of nearly losing everything due to self destruction and trying to drink the pain/guilt away. She was in hospital with hydrocephalus and in ICU for 3 months with various ailments and infections. After 3 months she started to respond to treatment and was placed on a regular ward awaiting a shunt… Or so I thought.
sent to Preston hospital for this procedure and having almost lost her several times over the xmas of 2016 I was so happy. Upon arriving the day after my mother was optimistic and probably stunned she had even pulled through. Almost before leaving I was called into an office with 2 doctors and sat down. One said to me straight off the bat “why has your mother been sent here”. I was told that most of her organs were failing rapidly and her heart was beating so fast it was just trying to keep the body going and that she was mainly being kept comfortable.
I was told the hydrocephalus was untreatable due to her state and that my local hospital had given her a lumbar puncture to bring her alert but that she would drift back into semi-consciousness within days. I had no words just shaking anger and tears. “the guilt” I was told all the possible outcomes likely within the next few days and advised that due to suffering she could go through that I was advised to change her preserve life to a DNR. I could not function and I did not give the authorisation I selfishly thought of me losing my mum and not what was best to do. DNR. I went back into my mum and told her I’d be back tomorrow. It was my mums wishes to be resuscitated and I chose to honour that knowing she would not make it, but that was her wish. At 10am the next day I awoke to 5 missed calls from the hospital and I knew what it was about. A voice said to me that she had a cardiac arrest in the early hrs and I needed to get to the hospital as soon as I could. Me and my brother arrived and were taken to one side, it was what happened and what was said next that has destroyed me ever since.
I was told that due to me not agreeing to the DNR she had been revived after 35mins and had irreversible brain damage. We were told that to prolong any more suffering she had gone through having been revived that we should agree to turn off the machines and say our goodbyes. The Tv makes it look one way but in reality it is harrowing. Watching her blink and stare through me as her breathing got slower was hard but the worse part was this person had given me life and I was taking hers away. The last few breaths as her body fought resembled a fish out of water and that is the image that haunts me still today. I had caused this to my own mother, in affect a family member said that “I had killed her twice”.
3 yrs nearly down the line I have lost almost everything and at rock bottom. I am now giving it one last attempt to get help due to my guilt and metal effects of what I have experienced.

sorry this was such a long post.

Firstly i am so sorry,i have read your post and it is heartbreaking.Please let the guilt go,you have nothing to be guilty for,you carried out your mum’s wishes,through love for her,the circumstances were not under your control,you are not the cause of your mum’s passing.Your mum would not want you to waste any more time in your life thinking this.You say you are at rock bottom,i would say it’s now time to live your life like your mum would want you too.You know you love your mum,that’s enough,don’t dwell on the last moments,start to think of the times before that.A lot of us carry guilt,but it,s destructive only to ourselves.I know it’s not easy,but close that chapter and start living well,for your lovely mum.Take care x

Thats lovely thanks so much. X

I believe we all feel guilt when we loose someone we love. Always regrets about how we should have done things differently. Agree with Robina your mum would not want you to feel like this. Grieving is a roller coaster of emotions. Some words I read regularly which sometimes helps and sometimes don’t… Accept what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. Please take care

As a humanist I like to think the followings transcends our situation. It’s called the Serenity Prayer and it is particularly apt for many of us, those of faith and those not.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.

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