I lost my wonderful Mum aged 53 to a brain tumour in January this year, not long before my 24th birthday. Me and my mum were inseparable and we had the most amazing relationship. I can’t explain what she means to me. But since she’s died, I’ve hardly cried at all. When people bring her up, my dad and brother are really tearful and have cried so much but I just don’t. I don’t even feel sad, I just don’t feel anything. I can think of my mum, listen to sad songs, laugh and joke and live life normally and I just can’t seem to feel sad about it. Please don’t think I’m an awful person because I know that I miss my mum unbearably but i feel like my brain is tricking me somehow into thinking she’s just on holiday even though it’s been 6 months. I know people can go into shock but isn’t that only in the following weeks? I sometimes feel like I’m forgetting her as well- I can’t remember what life was like when she was here. I just feel so worried that I’m never going to feel anything
I hope that you are not feeling bad because you are carrying on with your life normally, I wonder if you are in shock? It is normal for you to feel the way you are feeling, grief hits us in so many different ways. My husband died suddenly 10 months ago, our grandson with whom he was very close seems to have a block of ice inside him and one of these days it will start to melt. He cannot bear to even mention his granddad, he is 31 years old, our grandson I mean, they were the best of friends and I know that Kieron will never be the same again or maybe I should say it will take him a long long time before he comes to terms with the loss of Stan. Of course I miss my husband of 59 years, terribly as our daughter and son do.
You sound to have had a lovely relationship with your mum, she was so young too, of course you are not an awful person, grief is a terrible emotion and it presents its self in so many different ways. It must be hard for you being a student and trying to come to terms with the loss of your lovely mum, please be kind to yourself, eat as well as you are able and rest as much as you can.
We have messaged before.
You cant assess how someone is dealing with the loss of a loved one by how much they cry.
My mums first anniversary was last sunday. I have cried for an entire year and honestly felt like I was heading for a breakdown last week.
My sister shed a couple of tears at the funeral and other than that is living life as normal. It doesnt mean that she isnt affected by mums death as much as me.
In fact I worry about her because I think she will suffer later down the line.
At the moment you are still in shock and still numb. I have no doubt the tears and sadness will come but for now just take each day as it comes and look after yourself. Try not to question your feelings. You had a great relationship with your mum. Focus on that and try not to look too deeply into why you are reacting differently to how you imagined you might.
there is nothing wrong with that, and it doesn’t make you an awful person either, not in the slightest. Grief is a very individual process. If you never cry, that’s OK, if you do, that’s fine too. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re still in shock/denial. It could simply be that you are incredibly strong and/or subconsciously driven by what your mum would want (no mum would want their daughters crying) which is a selfless way to act. So don’t buy into all the info out there on “how you’re supposed to be grieving” too much. Listen to your heart and feelings, they will tell you your truth, which is always uniquely yours
What you’ve described is “normal” if there was such thing as normal when dealing with grief.
My mum died a year ago, a bit older than your mum and just before my 30tj birthday. The last time I cried was at her funeral. I don’t spend days sobbing, I can go months without thinking about her and if you looked at me you’d think I was “fine” It doesn’t mean I don’t miss or that my heart doesn’t ache in secret every day. She was my absolute best mate and I miss her and the life we used to have but, if I cry what will it solve, will it make me feel better or make her come back. I don’t believe it will so I bury my head in the sand and carry on I’m not saying it’s “right” or normal to behave this way but grief is not measured about how many tears we shed, it’s (in my opinion) measured by our hearts feel and I’m sure inside your heart is breaking, just because you don’t show this on the outside or your brain won’t allow you to break down it doesn’t mean you miss her or care about her any less. It may be shock or denial or it may just be the way you are but it’s all perfectly ok so be kind to yourself xxxxx
You both sound very strong and mature, I’m actually inspired.
I love how most therapists say there’s no right or wrong way to grieve, but at the same time they contradict themselves by saying let it all out, let the tears flow, it only shows how much you cared. And that’s bs! If I wanted to show how much I care/love my mum by crying, I’d have to sob 24/7 for the rest of my life, cause I love her more than anything. But I don’t find crying very helpful, it just keeps dragging me down. That grief in our hearts will always be there, regardless if we cry or not, we just have to keep moving forward- and that’s the most loving thing we can do for our loved ones.
Ahhh I love this agreed…if I let it all go I don’t think I would ever stop. People cry for hours/days/weeks on end and that’s fine if it makes them feel better and helps them but it doesn’t mean they care anymore than people who hardly cry. We are all on the same horrible journey, just some take different paths to others xx
Rach, what you are experiencing is quite common, and you don’t need to feel guilty about it at all, because it doesn’t mean you do no love and miss your mum - you obviously do, otherwise you wouldn’t be here posting about it and feeling so upset. You might want to read this article, and the comments from others that are in this article, as it deals with emotional numbness.
Hi abdullah, thanks for your lovely message. Ive just seen it so sorry for the late reply. It really does mean a lot, it can be so terribly lonely can’t it xxx
Hi love, thank you so much for your sweet message. It’s so hard isn’t it. I want to cry but I just can’t, so sick of not feeling anything. If I do feel something it’s usually angry! I feel like I’m forgetting my mum, likeI can’t picture how life was when she was here. I guess that’s part of it but it’s so tough. Sending you a huge hug xxxx