I am one week away from the first anniversary of losing my 48 year old partner suddenly. In some ways it seems like so long ago, and in others it feels like yesterday. I am not working as I was made redundant in March of this year. Friends who rallied around at the time are in less contact, though understandably as they have their own lives too. Live moves on for them but I don’t feel that much different. I am torn between wanted to make the most of my time as I know he would not have wanted me to be sad. But at the same time I am not going to not be sad if I want too. Some people are saying ‘it’s a year now’ like they expect me to dust myself down and carry on like nothings happened. I know deep down it not really want they mean and they are trying to help but it is coming across like that. I started to feel a bit better but now feel worse, perhaps that’s down to the anniversary coming up so things may change after that. Any adv ice, words of wisdom. Thank you
It is coming up for two years now. So second round of to dos.
I am not very motivated at the moment. I have loads to do but am very slow.
I went outside and just picked a few dead branches . I just chip away at it.
Every time I do what he would have done I think of him. Just putting plates away and I think of how he would have rearranged everything. He was very organised. But I am not. I am having to remember to do the sadmin again. Was his role. Now no choice. I suddenly thought I would have been making him a fruit bread pudding. I thought shall I make one and see how it cooks in the air fryer. I really use it a lot now. The knob fell off the gas hob and I had to sort it. He used to get shopping. I don’t enjoy it. I wait until I have to now.
19 months for me tomorrow. Like you, i found the approach to year one hard. I chose the one year mark to scatter my partner’s ashes and we had a great time being away. The weeks after were very hard, i wasn’t prepared for leaving his ashes behind and coming home without him (even knowing it wasn’t him).
This 2nd year has had many challenges. The “this is it” stage, this is my life now and i have spent a lot of this year in conflict.
Conflict between the past, present and the future i want. Trying to find ways to heal and realising it’s futile. There is no healing from this but more an ease with it. Getting people to understand that one year on doesn’t mean I’m over it and all is back to normal. There is no normal now, it’s all different.
There have been more positives this year and although the waves of grief still come, i know they will pass and there is calm between the waves. There are many more good days and glimmers of real hope for a better future.
We are all on a journey and it’s a journey you can navigate and take some control of.
It is 18mths on for me and I have come to the realisation that whatever happens in my life there will always be a void in my life/heart where he once resided, nothing can fill it or replace it and neither would I want to, I have accepted that this is ok now and I have come to peace with it, learning to adjust, adapt around it and embracing it. The sadness and loneliness is a huge challenge though because at 65, more of my life is made up of the past and memories of it than the remaining left to be lived, that’s a hard one because there is not another lifetime of healing, love etc ahead. Having said all that, I can still function, laugh, smile and have fun and new adventures they are just all now intertwined together. I call them the woven fabrics of my life, each holding me together and I do so hope ahead, just in a different form. I have also learnt to live in the present moment, taking things day by day, not thinking too far ahead. I met someone and we are great friends, not ready for anything further at the moment, that may or may not change, who knows, he understands this and it is so good to feel part of someone again and share things with and to feel connected. It also acutely makes me aware of what has gone but I have a greater wisdom and understanding of everything now. I am no longer the person I was, loss and grief does that to all of us but it’s an opportunity to find your identity again, to set new goals, challenges and to do it for yourself. The best advice I can give anyone is to hang in there, be kind and loving to yourself and take a leap of faith when life presents you with opportunities and most of all fill your heart with gratitude for what you had