It will be one year since Callum died, 12.11.2024.. what have I learned in 1 year :
I can say “died” now, I no longer avoid the word or any word associated with it.
The installation of Cals head stone Broughta whole flood of emotions with it a few weeks on, a fresh wave of reality grief washed over from this morning.
It still hurts ALOT, but I’m managing now, there is no longer the times I was going insane with a feeling much bigger than words could convey, grief is vast, there are no words. It’s vastness just carries me with it some days.
I’m grateful so so grateful for having Callum in my life, but I’d trade everything I have to have him back.
It really is like the films, you see a spot where you have core memories with them & replay it like a little cinema in your mind. This is a constant.
His Brothers & sister & I are still fighting to get counselling I had no clue bereavement was widely unacknowledged, as if we are swept under the old rug, so noone else has to see their one day reality. Death is an unfortunate taboo in the uk. Hidden until it happens.
You find out who your real friends are.
When you hear of another mother/father/sibling loss your heart breaks for them and yourself, & you know nothing you say at their ground zero will make or help them feel any different. One year on after the shock, the numb the denial ebbs out some, the heart allows you to feel the unfiltered pain. I cry alot.
My memory has become terrible.
Losing an adult child I learned you have to deal with closing their bank account, going over their death over & over which fu****g hurts and leaves you floored somedays, having to provide proof of their passing. Dealing with closing out their vehicle payments, subscriptions and much more. It absolutely needs to be done.
The feeling of empty, is an actual feeling, it’s not numbness its different, I felt hollowed out, empty, like there was a cavernous nothing inside. Nothing I did or do filled the hole. Distraction ie games, TV, reading only works short term.
Grief is patient. It will catch up.
I still feel its unfair. I still hurt. I still feel all other things but I can move with it now.
My body hurts. Doing too much exhausts me. Any big changes here make me emotional.
I have made decisions purely based on grief and not logic and I’m discovering this now as the fog has cleared.
I started to hoard stuff, just stuff I bought based on my grief. I’m sorting this now.
I’m learning to walk again ..
It still comes in waves.
Love you to the moon & back Callum 12.11.2024
