Nearly Three Years

Hello everyone,
This is my first time here, or anywhere for support (other than my Dad and children) despite it being almost three years.
My husband of 37 years, (we’d known one another over 40) passed away in August 2021, he’d been diagnosed with Stage 4 bowel cancer with liver and lung metastases less than ten weeks previously. The night he died he had been having breathing difficulties so after speaking to our Chemo team I called an ambulance, whilst on that call Stuart became unresponsive and I was asked to begin CPR until the ambulance crew arrived which I did. Despite their best efforts Stuart never regained consciousness. I feel I’m not only dealing with his death but the trauma of that night as well. Some days I feel like I’m doing ok but then I feel guilty for it. Other days I seem to be a complete mess. I know there’s no timeline for grief but I’m just rather lost some days. I still expect him to walk in the door.
Sorry for rambling.

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It’s only 5 weeks since my husband died. He had a cardiac arrest in bed next to me. I did CPR for 15 minutes until help arrived. He lived for 3 weeks in a coma. They turned off the life support because he had sustained brain damage. I feel guilty that I obviously didn’t do it right. The burden of guilt on top of the grief is awful. I think that the CPR is a bit like post traumatic stress disorder.

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Hi , it will be three years in september since my husband died . We had been married 39 years and together 43 years . Since we were both 16 . Both 59 when he died . I get every word you say , sometimes i cope well ,then other days i just wonder what is the point . I do now accept that he cant come back , and have had to adapt to this life ,i dont want . We both thought we would grow old together , after spending our whole adult life together . This site has been a lifeline to me , dont think i would of coped without it , lots of lovely people , who never judge , and are there just when you need to let of steam . Hope it helps you . Yes there is no timeline to grieve. We are all unique in the way we loved and the way we grieve .xtake carex

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I too am three years a widow, as with everyone else sometimes I am fine other days, like today I feel lost and alone and very weepy.
I try to keep busy, but it is so difficult

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Yes I feel depressed I do what is supposed to help
for that but it is depressing being a widow. I think it is like PTS. The whole experience causes it. Seeing really scarey things happen to my loved one that shouldn’t have happened but did.

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You should never feel guilty for doing ok, imagine what Stuart would be saying to you, I am sure he would want you to live the best life you can.
It sounds like you have PTSD, please ask your GP for help with this as there is help out there.
let us know how you get on. X

@StusBabe81
I can relate to your feeling of guilt.
My loss will be four years in November.
There are so many stages of grief and I still feel guilt every day I look at her picture for having ‘ moved on’ to the point where I now share my life with another lady that also lost her partner in traumatic circumstances around the same time as me.
It sounds bizarre I know but there are four people in this relationship as not a day goes by that they don’t come up in conversation.
I had to replace some bed pillows this week as they’d had it. Putting the old ones in the bin felt like I was disposing of another bit of her, as she had chosen them all that time ago.
The largest guilt trip was when my new partner and I decided to announce our relationship.There was minor fall out which only compounded the guilt.
So guilt is a very normal emotion in the grieving process so don’t worry about it. It won’t necessarily stop but it’s only human to feel that way.
Take care and be kind to yourself.

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Well I am trying to cope and now feel sad that my late husband’s garden or ours is a mess. I saw an old picture and noticed how down the pan it looks now compared to when he did it.
I am straggling with weeds. Using his old kneeler , rug he used to sit on and his tools.
He had them all neat.
I can’t keep it up.
I am resisting someone coming to see me who thinks I should but I refused. I don’t want to have to make this enormous effort.

@Enorac
Having to take on these tasks even if you did help your husband is a big thing. We realise that it’s now down to us and it’s a daunting task.
I have friends here on this forum who struggled with all manner of things,paperwork,cooking,figuring out what all those things do left in sheds and garages.
Sounds sexist today I know but my late wife would not let me iron as I’d ruined clothes previously.
After she died I realised all that washing, drying,ironing,putting away was all down to me in fact I realised EVERYTHING is now down to me.
I can only suggest that you accept some help in the garden. Maybe people have offered help. If so why not accept.
I know it’s not easy in the early weeks and months and our heads are in a bad place and everything
however small is a mammoth task plus we don’t see the point of doing these tasks anyway.
Hope you can get help
Be kind to yourself

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Very nice and wise words Mickp, none of us realise how much our loved one did till they are gone. I do think it is extra hard for what I will call men who were in a traditional marriage or partnership as the basic household tasks are needed everyday.
The DIY and gardening are hard for some ladies but they are not done everyday and you can get tradesmen in if you have to, although that is expensive.
I guess we all have to learn new skills and ask for help when we are stuck. the sadness is that we did not want this separation and that makes it doubly hard, and also being exhausted from our shock and grieving makes it all seem ten times worse.
We need to congratulate ourselves and show off when we do achieve, I managed to work the cordless drill this week to put a screw in to hang up a lovely picture of David, I was quite chuffed with myself !.

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Wow, Penny! I am impressed. I feel proud of myself when all I have done is change a lightbulb, and I had to ask my new best friend, YouTube, how to do that. To be fair, it was one of those recessed spotlight thingys. I am a bit of a dinosaur. The last time I changed a bulb was 20 years ago and it was the old-fashioned sort. Oh, how I miss knobs that you turned to make them work, clutches, chokes and ignition keys, real people when you phoned the bank………
xx

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@Willow112
Your comment on real people on the end of the phone reminds me of how difficult it was to sort out all my late wife’s affairs.
I had to cancel her credit card ( I won’t name the Bank) I got through after 100 of menus and explained the circumstances. No empathy whatsoever and all I could hear was the male operator chatting up the operator next to him while he cancelled the card “that’s all done mate” and the line cut off . I wasn’t looking for sympathy just a bit of courtesy would have been enough.
I don’t line the new world since Covid

Those spot lights are fiddly and different so you should also be proud willow !

This world or at least the western world is far too clinical and cold. It is not natural , yes it all changed during covid while we were locked away behibd our front doors. It has come on too fast for many and some of us will nevver catch up. Your bank sounds horrendous I hope yoy complained although doing that takes energy that we havent got to spare. You should name and shame them. I am with Santander and they seem good, you can still go in branch and still talk on the phone.

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Well my two sons help a bit. Did ask church earlier on and got grass cut free when I didn’t have a mower.
Too proud earlier on to ask for a meal now and again even though you get it when you have had a baby.