Need help

Not sure if I’m doing things wrong it’s been two days and now one has gotten back to me

Hi are you ok x

dad passed away almost 2 years ago the pain is worse now the night he passed goes over and over in my head I told him it was OK to go sleep he never woke up I live with that everyday I’m so angry with my self in fact I hate my self I can’t remember what it’s like to be happy I’m in a dark hole as many of you are I’ve never spoken to anyone about how I feel I put on a brave face but inside I’m dieing and broken xx Christina

Hi Christina I am sorry you are feeling so bad,your dad would not want you to feel hate for yourself only love,my husband passed in March he was 59 ,I have 3 lovely daughters and my eldest daughter told her dad it was ok to go,he then passed minutes later,I know the sadness you feel,but you did nothing wrong ,your loved ones when they pass still love you that is never broken,I have found its not good to put on a brave face all the time,grief is an emotion and cry if you need to,I did and still do sometimes replay the day my hubby passed but it does not help to dwell on that day,and it helps to talk to close people around you if you feel you need to ,I know it’s not easy and many on here say grief comes in waves at anytime,regardless of how long there loved ones passed,take care and keep talking on here if you need to,I’m sure others will have advice to give,sometimes it takes a while to get a reply x

Hi Robina thank you for sharing your story with me I’m so very sorry for you and family x and thank you for your kind words it’s so hard without the ones you love I can’t talk to my mum about how I’m feeling cos she is so very lost without him 60 years married they was I don’t really see my brother or sister any more since it happened I can’t get the feeling out of my head it plays over and over if only I hadn’t of said sleep I’m ever so angry all the time I feel like a part of me has gone and I don’t think I will be able to be happy again I no he wouldn’t want me feeling like this but it’s so hard without him people say be kind to your self but I can’t it’s like a bad dream in a black hole and I can’t wake up or get out of it its the first time I’ve opened up about how I’m feeling so thank you xx take care Christina x

Hello Christina

I haven’t been on this forum for a few days and logged in just now and saw your post. I am so sorry to read about the loss of your Dad, it is really hard losing a parent, you suddenly feel grown up whether you want to be or not.

You sound as if you have been almost too brave the last two years and supporting your Mum as well. It is hard when you have been with someone you love and watch their decline and then finally pass away. I think feeling angry and cheated is something that many people feel from reading other peoples messages on here.

I lost my Mum two years ago and it is a battle for me still. I have days when I feel almost cheerful but there is always something niggling in the back of my mind. Other days are difficult but somehow I get through them. I have found developing an almost selfish mentality has helped me. If I don’t want to do something I say I won’t. No reason given just it is not something I care to get involved with. I do recommend it, it is very liberating.

Giving yourself time to think on memories of happier times with your Dad could help. Even ten minutes each day just sitting quietly with a cup of tea may help. You were with your Dad helping him at the time he needed you most. You should not feel hate towards yourself but a sense of pride that you were there. I remember someone saying to me that it is a privilege to be with someone you love at their final moments, and it is.

You take care of yourself and be proud of being a lovely daughter to your Dad who I bet loved you to bits. I know you say you have not spoken about this to anyone and understand it is not for everyone but there is the online bereavement counselling service on here (panel to the right of this). Best of that is you could do it from your home, and if you don’t like it you don’t have to continue.