Need help

Ever since my husband died 3 months ago i wake up every morning in anxiety and panic attack don’t know what to do I’m on medication but only started it 4 weeks ago its so fighting a don’t know how long l can go on as soon as l open my eyes it’s there the dreaded realization that the house is empty and I’m on my own I’m trying hard to cope but please if anyone can offer anything
Thank you for this space
Marian

My circumstances are different, we lost our daughter suddenly but I know the dread and panic… It’s not a cure, what can cure our loss? but I find if I focus on something in the room, flowers, or an ornament I like, slow my breathing right down and think of something I also like, a tune, lines of poetry, even soft soothing syllables that I can repeat without effort, it has an effect and I can start to function better.
As I said, it’s not a cure but it helps me, so I hope you can find your own version of this. I’ve benefitted from the kindness I’ve met on here, no-one judges and we’re all on a similar path,so I really hope that you’ll find some solace here.
Thinking of you
J xxx

I’m so sorry for your loss and Thank you for sharing your thoughts and help l am finding that the support I have been getting from being part of this site is so lovely I don’t know if and when I will ever get through this grief but the support and love l am getting from so many lovely people is helping thank you so much sending love xx
Marian

Hi Marian,
I’m really sorry to hear about your loss. I remember those early months very well. It is nearly nine months since Simon passed away suddenly. I found to write my feelings down very helpful. It may not make sense sometimes but it made me feel a bit better. I don’t know if this will help you as we all are dealing with this the best we can. I take one day at a time, one step at a time. I am lucky as I’ve got our two dogs to keep me going. I am on medication and it can take a while to work. I was already on it for something else but they increased my dose.
We are all here for you.
Take care, Janet xx

Hi Marian Victoria, So sorry for your loss. Three months is not long enough to begin to process a loss of one so significant in your life. I did not lose a partner, but I did lose my best friend in life, my younger Sister. I am a year on, and like you I find mornings to be dreadfully painful. I understand that feeling of (“oh please not another day without him/her”). The loneliness can be overwhelming. I work, so must find a way to fight through the depression and get to my job, but it takes tremendous effort. My heart goes out to you. Our lives are forever changed. We lost that one special person who was our world, and our world has now been shattered. Some of the suggestions from other posters sound very helpful (to me as well). You will receive many warm responses here, and some ways to possibly get through those anxious mornings. Some coping techniques I am trying; Perhaps sipping a soothing warm drink, a morning walk if weather permits, some music, prayer or an uplifting reading or quote to start each day. The important factor is to replace those haunting thoughts with some more positive memories. Sometimes I think of funny things she would say, or I recall our vacations or spending time together just watching TV or a movie. I hope you will find some relief soon, I know it can be tortuous and we are all here to help in any way we can. Take care. Xxx, Sister2

Hi Jeannie F, As I am reading your coping suggestions, I find them to be splendid methods of alleviating some of that “morning dread.” Repeating a word or affirmation is something I will try. Thank you, and so very sorry for the loss of your daughter. We are all struggling here, but at least we have a place to bring our pain, and be amongst others who understand. Take care, Xxx Sister2

Hi Sister2, so pleased to hear that my suggestion’s a help and thanks for your sympathy. We feel the loss acutely and this is one way of being able to face the world when we really want to hide away…
Look after yourself
J xxx

Hi Marian

I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost my partner 13 weeks ago. I also feel the loneliness and emptiness that losing our soul mates bring.

All I can suggest is take one day at a time. It’s the only way that I get through each day. If I think of the future then it becomes too much and I too get so anxious that I can’t make even a simple decision.

Take it little by little and moment by moment. Do things to try and distract yourself.
In downtime I put on dvd’s The talking stops the silence and for awhile I can immerse myself and forget that I am alone.

Take care of yourself and sending you hugs.

D

Hi. Marian. The words that stands out in your post are ‘struggle’ and ‘trying hard’. Now I may seem practical, but my experiences as a fellow sufferer have led me to an understanding of anxiety. Also the work I have done with anxiety sufferers.
I am in no way diminishing your pain, no way. I do know.
The two things that perpetuate anxiety and panic, which is a nasty facet of anxiety, is fighting and struggle with emotions. Now I do know they can be overwhelming.
They will come, it’s inevitable, it’s natures way of relieving stress.
At this moment what I suggest may seem irrelevant, even pointless. 3 months is so little time for grief to even begin to subside.
Try not to fight or struggle with emotions. The pain is real, it’s not ‘all in the mind’ as some say. You can feel physically drained, and many physical symptoms may arise. This can alarm you and make you even more frightened. It’s the circle of fear/symptoms/panic/fear.
The cause is obvious. Grief. No one knows how it will take them and anxiety often follows. Anxiety always has its root in fear. In this instance it’s fear of the future without a loved one, of the future, the unknown.
If and when you panic let it come. No trying to fight it off. You can’t flick a switch and stop it. Don’t resist. Let the first wave pass and try not to add ‘second fear’. That’s the ‘oh my goodness’ and the ‘what ifs’. By doing that you perpetuate the problem.
Panic will always die down. Adrenaline, the hormone that causes panic because of fear, has it’s limits. If you just let it come it will die down. Medication can help a lot. Only your GP knows what’s necessary because he/she knows you.
Please don’t think I underestimate your pain, its’s not true, and I would not want you to think that. We can only speak of our own experiences.
I would suggest that if you can see a counsellor it could help a lot. You don’t want judgement or criticism. A good counsellor will take you as you are and talking things out can help.
Waking in the mornings is the worse time for so many. Facing another day without a loved one can really hurt.
You can go on, we all do and it’s so much more painful for some than others. After 10 months I still see that faint light in the distance. It does get brighter, imperceptibly so but it’s there.
Words and more words. Nothing seems to eliminate the pain does it? If we could all hold your hand and be with you we would, but talking to someone who knows and understands is so important.
Take care. Be kind to yourself You need TLC at this time.

Thank you Jonathan I have read and re read your advice and each time I find something else that I can relate to it’s so hard to control the anxiety and some days I just can’t seem to find the strength but I know i have to I have started breathing exercises and have a councillor so I hope I’m on the right track it’s going to be a long journey. Weekends are the worst time as even though my family are very supportive they do have their own family things going on at the weekends so my weekends are mostly spent on my own with out any contact with anyone I try to keep busy by doing gardening but the days are so long and lonely thank you again for your support marian xx

Hi Marian. I’m sorry to come back on this but it’s so important. Understanding anxiety is key to recovery. Anxiety that is. Extreme anxiety is similar in symptoms to grief.
Another word that can cause problems is ‘control’. If we try to control something we need to exercise will. Have you much will at the moment? Just as I suggest giving up fighting and struggling, so also do I suggest not trying to control emotions. They will come so let them. But realise they are all part of this process of grief.
I know, they are overpowering at times and can colour your whole life.
Nothing is easy in this situation. It’s hard, it’s painful and full of emotional traps.
We can be upset by the silliest of things.
Once again. take care.

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