My mum passed away last July, was with her when she took her last breath. Mum was in a nursing home for the last 7 months as couldn’t cope at home and kept having falls. At first she loved it and joined in the activities, but the last 3 months she became confused and scared, one day even locking herself in the toilets and would only come out for me. I wish with all my heart that I had put my job on hold and looked after her myself. Can’t move past the guilt, and cry all the time, I cry in the supermarket, in the car , everywhere. Just keep remembering her there, and remembering how unhappy she was. Tried antidepressants but they didn’t help. Is so exhausting feeling like this all the time. Lately have started to feel like what’s the point, as can’t take this pain anymore. Just feel so empty and lost without her. Just want it to end.
Hi Jasmine, I think we all go through these guilt stages. In no way did you purposely do things to hurt your mum or make it any more difficult for her. If she had the choice she would probably have told you to keep working while she was ill. My Mum only passed away 3 weeks but I had the feelings after just a few days that I didn’t do enough, didn’t see her enough. I assume it’s what we all do - we try to work out what, if anything, we did wrong and how we might do things differently in the future. Maybe we do learn some things about ourselves from this ‘beating ourselves up’. Stay strong. I’m sure you’re Mum did not think any less of you during her illness and loved you very dearly, as you did her, and still do.
I’m so sorry to hear about how you are feeling. It sounds as though things are very tough and you are feeling really overwhelmed and exhausted.
It sounds like you’re looking for support and I’m glad that you’ve been able to talk about how you’re feeling here. There is lots of other support out there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling.
- Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.
- Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text SHOUT to 85258 and talk to them about anything.
- You can also find your local NHS urgent mental health helpline .
- If you are at risk of harming yourself, please call 999 or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.
Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: sueryder.org/counselling.
You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area. We have also recently launched a Grief Self-Help Service, which provides articles and interactive tools to help you cope with grief. If you’re interested in understanding more about grief and how you can manage it, please visit selfhelp.sueryder.org.
You deserve care and support so please, Jasmine, get in touch with one of these services.
Sorry for your loss, I too lost my mum in March she was 94 with severe dementia. I was not able to visit her for nearly two years because of covid, and lost my husband during lockdown too. My mums health had deteriated during lockdown she stopped eating and had no interest in life anymore, I think she was just ready to go and I’m sure she has gone to a better place with no more suffering. I have often thought the same thoughts as you but the thing that stops me is that I might not meet my loved ones on the other side if I do and I might forever be on the outside looking in. You mum could have had ai fatal fall you had kept her at home so imagine how you would have felt then as it was you were able to spend quality time with her while someone else had the responsibility of caring for her. Think of the good times, and keep busy, I take flowers to and elderly neighbour it cheers her up and lifts my mood
Am so sorry mavis that you have lost your mum and your husband. I often have dark days as I imagine you do as well. I think I was in denial, and never let myself think that mum might die so soon, always thought that we would have longer. I just wish I had put my job on hold , and spent more time with her than I did . I don’t have any siblings, so we were very close, went round to see her about 4 times a week. Also have never been able to have children of my own, so mum was such a huge part of my life. I am trying to stay positive, but some days its impossible. . If ever you need to talk you can always message me
Hi @Jasmine195 I fully understand where your coming from. However you made the right decision for you both. And yes it is hard making those kind of decisions. However you did the right thing you thought about your mums well being and safety.
I wish I could of seen my mum four times a week like yourself. I had the same dilemma with my mum. She came back from hospital a different person. More panicky and frail eventually lost the use of her legs.
I wouldn’t have been able to look after her it would of been impossible. Although to hear her daughter speak she seemed to think I should of been able to cope. For me it was heartbreaking having to put her into care.
Once she left I went into a downward spiral. The house seemed so empty. It’s hard not to feel guilty but you do these things out of love. Not because your a bad person.
If you think about it when your grief is lesser you will see that you did the right thing. You where there for your mum and that’s all that matters.
Hello sorry for the loss of your mum. Its been nearly a year now since mum passed away. I suppose it has got a little easier but still sometimes I still burst into tears just thinking about her and how much I miss her… I think a lot of it is because I wish I had never put her in a nursing home, but quit my job and cared for her for myself. I know guilt makes us question everything but I know she would have been happier with me. Before mum passed away I always had a spring in my step, always full of life , and laughing, but am struggling to be that person anymore. I know mum would want me to be happy, but I just can’t. When I m at work it’s like I have to put on this act like everything is ok because after a year everyone expects you to be OK. I knew losing mum would be hard, but this is a million times harder than I could ever have imagined