Need My Nanna Back

So On July 1st My Grandmother ( Nanna) Called. I Was On a Work Call So Muted The Call. As I Was Leaving Work My Phone Had Died.

I Finally Get My Phone Back and Have a Missed Call From My Nanna. I Call Back and She Informs Me She Is Having Difficulties Breathing, I Get To Her ASAP.

She Tests Positive For COVID-19 So I Call 111 For Advice As My Nanna Has COPD and Uses Oxygen Therapy and NIV at Home and Has Done Some Time.

Paramedics Take My Nanna To Local Hospital (I Can’t Go With Her, Which Is Heartbreaking As I’ve Always Supported Her To Hospital When Her COPD Has Had a Flare Up.

I Call The Next Day To Find Out My Nanna Has a Pneumothorax (Collapsed Lung) and Is about To Have a Drain Inserted To Relieve The Pressure.

She Goes Onto a Respiratory Ward and Is Being Cared For In There. X-Rays Repeated Daily To Review The Pneumothorax, She No Longer Requires Her NIV To Breathe But She Can’t Use at When Required (To Expel C02 From Her Blood) As This Could Make Things Worse.

I’m In and Out of The Hospital Daily To Drop Things Off For Her, Can’t Visit Due To COVID. She Tests Negative On Day 6 and 7 So I Can Visit. I Was Relieved To See Her On Friday!! I Visited On The Saturday and Sunday.

Hospital Call Me On The Monday To Inform Me She’s “Medically Fit” For Discharge. I Disputed This But Hey, My Nanna Wanted To Come Home.

I Get Her Home, Settle Her For The Evening Before Leaving To Head Home. 10.45pm That Night She Pressed The ICE Button On Her Phone and It Dials Through To Me. Long Story Short, I Have No Choice But To Call and Ambulance.

Tuesday I Called Consistently Throughout The Day For Updates and Was Informed She Was Fine. Earlier Hours of Wednesday Morning, I Receive Call Asking For The Family To Come To Hospital. We Were Informed That The C02 In Her Blood Had Became Too Much As She Wasn’t Able To Expel It Independently and Had Became Unresponsive.

I Stayed With My Nanna at Her Bedside, Begging Her Not To Go Until She Took Her Last Breath.

I am Totally Lost/Broken, I Want Her Back, She Was My Life, Even Though I’m 28, My Nanna and I Were Also So Close, Speaking On The Phone Up To Four Times a Day, Seeing Each Other Weekly.

I Keep On Blaming Myself Daily, That I Neglected Her In Some Way. I’ve Spoken To/Seen Her at The Chapel of Rest Everyday.

Can Anyone Give Me Some Advice?

Dear @JB94

I apologise for the delay in replying to you and I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your Nanna.

You are still in the early stages of grief having lost on your Nanna on 1 July. Unfortunately it will be a rollercoaster ride of emotions but you are not alone and there is support out there.

Have you considered booking an appointment with your GP to let them know how you are feeling and for support? The GP could also refer you for Counselling should you wish to consider it and to see if there are any Bereavement Groups in your area you could join.

I have listed below links that may be of help and support to you.

Sue Ryder Counselling

Sue Ryder Grief Self-Help Service

Durham County Bereavement Support

I hope the information above will help you. Take one day at a time and be gentle with yourself.

Take care of yourself and please continue to reach out here any time. We are all here for you.