Need some advice

My husband never had a good relationship with his mum or later on in life his brother. I only know bits that Rob told me but to cut a long story short I don’t know what to do .
My Rob passed away 8 months ago and since then his brother has visited a couple of times then this week he turned up at my house on his scooter ( me and Rob used to go out on his scooter and go to northern soul venues) to take me out for a ride , when we got back t9 the house after a short trip he said I’m into northern soul and I will take you to a soul do if ever you want to go.
I have mentioned that I miss the dancing but that was down to covid restrictions. I have friends and family that go to these venues . I just feel that I am being so disloyal to Rob if I go with his brother and his wife . We have never been close to Robs family it’s only since his passing that they are now attempting to make regular contact if Rob was still here his brother wouldn’t come to the house because he knew for certain he wouldn’t get over the threshold . My daughter is having issues with it as they have been unsupportive to her in the past.
Why can’t they just leave me alone to just get on with my life that’s all I want infact it was all Rob ever wanted

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Quite honestly if my husbands family didn’t want to know when he was alive - then it’s up to you if you don’t want them in your life now then tell them to jog on. You need positive people around you, life is too short!! Take care

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Thank you Silvana I don’t really
Like confrontation but by the same token I don’t want them thinking now Robs not on the scene we can start to play happy families because the problem has gone . I loved my Rob and would do anything for him so the last thing I want now is to feel I’m in support of people who caused him so much pain and hurt

@Kazzer, I hate confrontation as well, but agree it is a very awkward situation.
Could they be feeling guilty over the family breakup and now trying to right a wrong?
Whatever, if you are not happy with meeting Rob’s family and I can very much understand the disloyalty you feel. I think you need to look after your own feelings and not worry about theirs, in which case you will need to ask them to leave you alone whilst you grieve for your husband. Doing this might be easier via a letter rather than face to face as you can think about what you are saying.
I wish you all the best in whatever you decide to do

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RichardM thank you so much for understanding how I feel and for your sound advice .
Others have said to me if it makes you feel better go with it but I’m not so sure it does make me feel better . Thanks again Karen x x

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Kazza
My Marti never got on with his brother for donkies years, but when my Marti died his brother and his wife tried to get friendly with me and our children. It didn’t feel right for me, I felt like I was disrespecting my Martin. When Martin’s brother phoned one day I told him to leave me and my sons alone, I pointed out that Martin didn’t want a relationship with him so why does he think I want one with him now, especially as we never had their support over the years.
My only suggestion is go with your heart.
Amy x

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Hi @Kazzer,

My husband was also estranged from his brother. Families are complex. My husband’s brother knew that my husband was in hospital getting more and more ill for 3 weeks before he was discharged to die at home.

He didn’t bother to get in touch with him then, although I think Jim would have welcomed a kind hand written note. Instead he manipulated Jim’s son into thinking he was very upset over Jim’s illness and death. I was blamed for the lack of contact (!), but I couldn’t have stopped him from getting in touch with Jim during his time in hospital, because I wasn’t there…

Maybe for whatever reason Rob’s brother is now regretting the rift and trying to make amends.

I guess all you can do is to tell Rob’s brother bluntly that because of the rift you don’t want to have any contact with him. Another way might be to ask your brother in law and his wife to have coffee to discuss the rift. If they start blaming Rob in anyway you can always walk away but if they want to make it up it might end up as a positive for you and your daughter.

Cxxx

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Everyone deserves a little grace…

Hello @Kazzer I know you’ve been wrestling with this problem a while. You don’t have to make any decisions until they come to you so maybe you can put his brother off/pretend you’re not in if he turns up uninvited again in the meanwhile until you know what to do. Even if it take many months before you come to a conclusion its OK.

It sounds from several of your posts like your gut is more in the direction of maintaining Robs stance towards his brother out of the total loyalty you have to Rob. However as others say on here, could it be that his brother is now trying to make it up to Rob somehow by trying to comfort you and this is a grief response of his brother who now feels guilty over his past behaviour to Rob.

Who knows but either way it’s not your responsibility, your grief and that of your household is the priority so if it’s creeping you out then avoid the brother and try not to think about him until maybe one day you’ll feel like you know what to do. And if that day never comes that’s also ok, if you put him off/cut things short he may get the message to give you some space anyway.

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