Need to say this out loud to someone

[Twoflower]

So this has been playing on my mind.

For a long while after Paula died my mind would replay the day of her death. It all felt very real, a little more than a memory. It was awful, I’d get overwhelmed.

It took a while, and this may sound a little odd. Whilst the memory was very real, the emotions on the day were not what I was feeling.

Paula took 2 days to die. The first day was awful. Lots of Dr’s, medical staff, all saying very little. At the same time seeming very busy working around her.

I was overwhelmed. I sat with as much as I could but kept leaving the room to break down and cry. In truth I have never been so terrified. I feel I let her down. She was dieing, the love of my life and the person who had stood by me when at times I didn’t deserve it. She deserved better.

The next day was very different. I sat with her and only left the room when the medical staff needed the space to work around her.

I spent the day holding her hand, later holding her as best I could. She cracked a joke and we laughed, we made plans for a future that would never happen, she told me she loved me and I told her how much I loved her. I was with when she died. And for that I am incredibly grateful. As I know this is not always the case.

The day she died there was no fear. There was only the love we shared. It was peaceful and calm.

The fear came very rapidly afterwards as I dived head first into grief.

If I had to describe grief it would be a roller coaster of very raw emotions. But at it’s heart is love. The love for paula. And it is that love that grows around the pain of the loss. I even wonder if loss is the wrong word. The love is still there. Only changed in some way.

This has been on my mind for quite some time. And I’ve felt the need to talk to someone about it. But there is no one.

I’m a bloke that isn’t normally very good at dealing with emotions. Let alone talk about them.

Thanks for listening.

[Helen39]

Dear Two flower

You have put that beautifully. It is important that we talk and like many of us there isn’t anyone close we can say these things too.

I didn’t get to have a last moment with the love of my life, he just fell to the floor and was gone. I did tell him over and over how much I loved him as I did CPR but it was no use.

I have an appointment with a counsellor in a few weeks, I’m hoping there I can be honest and say the things I’ve not said to anyone else. Maybe we all need a counsellor but for now we have everyone here.

Sending you a hug x

[Sherbet10]

Hi @Twoflower
You have expressed that so well my husband died suddenly 10 months ago . CPR was done on him , it was no good he had gone . I had terrible flashbacks.
I had counselling and it really helped me , as I could really say what I was feeling. It really helped me .
I know men aren’t good with their emotion’s and keep a lot of things inside.
Sometimes you have to let it all out . I hope you can find some counselling in your area .

[RJay]

Hi @Twoflower
What a wonderful post. I think you speak for so many of us.
It’s Wednesdays that are the black day for me. My wife collapsed with a heart attack on a Wednesday morning and I relive that occasion every week. I carried out CPR to the best of my abilities until the paramedics arrived. Luckily they arrived within minutes. I still don’t know how they got to us so quickly, but in doing so, gave her the best chance. They managed to restore a pulse after about ten minutes and rushed her to hospital. She never regained consciousness and the following day life support was withdrawn. I was with her in hospital when she passed but to my mind she died on that fateful Wednesday morning.
I never got to have that final conversation with her, so I have been reading every book and every article I can lay my hands on about spirituality and contact with our lost loved ones.
I’ve just bought ‘Spirit Guides For Beginners’ by Sophia Grace. The title seems to sum me up nicely. I firmly believe my wife’s spirit has stayed with me and is anxious to make contact. It’s just that I can’t seem to get my receiver tuned in, so maybe this book will help.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

[Nancy123]

I think the love does remain between people who shared it so deeply. It doesn’t vanish and neither did they. It’s just different now that they are not physical, but they are pure energy and the love is forever.

[Twoflower]

I had a lot of time to sit and think this through.

I struggled with it for quite some time.

How can something good come from something that feels, and felt, so awful.

[LJ.G]

Hi. I took have flashbacks of that evening my wonderful partner was taken from me, I can still see the paramedics doing CPR, all the ambulances turning up. I’m hoping counselling will be available to me soon too. Thinking of you LJ

[Sherbet10]

Hi LJG
The flashbacks are horrible
The counselling did help me it took a while for me to open up . And I felt emotional drained after each session.
I was able to say things I couldn’t say to anyone else . It took awhile for the flash backs to stop . I don’t have them anymore now .
I hope you don’t have to wait too long for your counselling. And hope it helps you .

[Helen39]

Dear Lucinda

The flashbacks were horrendous at first but a counsellor at the bereavement group told me to imagine a blind and pull it down. Have a good memory ready to replace it with. It did help x

[LJ.G]

Thank you so much LJ

[LJ.G]

Thank you so much LJ

[Sherbet10]

Hi LJG
I hope you get a date for your counselling soon .

[Twoflower]

As nice as my thoughts sound it doesn’t change the fact that life feels empty without her.

I hate waking up every day and she’s not there, going through the motions of daily life, pretending to be happy in a dead end job. And all for what, to come home to an empty house full of memories.

[gemswinc]

@RJay Look for small signs, things missing, or found in strange places. Feathers, stones, a persistent animal or bird. A flower all of a sudden. I had things disappear in front of me. I documented many strange occurrences after my husband died. Also dreams. I worked things out with my husband in dreams. Cindy

[RJay]

Thanks @gemswinc
I do indeed watch for signs. White feathers seem to turn up when I’m in need of reassurance.
I’m still assessing an issue with my television which occasionally turns itself off and back on again when I’m filled with despair. It can go several months between incidents and always does it twice! Suzanne Giesmann describes, in her book Making The Afterlife Connection, how a television turned itself on when she was desperately trying to contact her step-daughter who died in tragic circumstances.
I talk to my wife all the time and often ask her advice which usually receives an answer in some form.

It could of course just be wishful thinking and a faulty telly, but these little coincidences turn up so regularly it would be silly to dismiss them.

[Norma1]

Hi, I understand how you feel. I’m ten months in now after losing my partner suddenly. I still get flashbacks of finding him in the kitchen but I can cope with those. It’s those dark lonely days, with no joy whatsoever that I m having difficulty dealing with. Being with family or friends makes no difference, going out is only a temporary distraction and time seems to pass so slowly.

[gemswinc]

@RJay I am glad to hear that there are signs. White feathers was one of mine too. I have many stories from the first year, and even some recently, although it’s been 9 yrs. since my husband passed. One incident just yesterday. My cousin lost her father, who repaired small appliances, and electrical occurences were frequent, so don’t discount that telly.

Here is the thing. The first year was so nuts, I was convinced there was life/presence after death. Things happened that I couldn’t dismiss as “coincidence” the way feathers or a faulty telly can be. I don’t know what to think now, as in most areas of my life I am firmly scientific, but…

I did things like “test” the feathers. OK, let me find a white feather inside. Soon, one showed up as I walked through a door in a train station. Other things that happened could not be explained by pure coincidence, were genuinely scary, eerie and too complicated to relate here.

The man I recently lost leaves me stones. Yeah, sure. On Sunday I visited Peconic Herb Farm, a garden center along a river, with trails. Unique. I walked off and finally sat on a stone bench. On the bench I found 5 stones neatly arranged. I left them, but took a picture. I’ve been collecting the stones and saving them in a heart shaped container, a gift from him. These however, needed to be left for the next person who needed them.

Nothing now though, compares with the occurrences when my husband died.

So, I am glad you are finding ways that you feel you can communicate. It would be silly to dismiss the signs. We cannot know for sure if they are real, or figments of our grieving brain, but we also cannot be sure that they are not real, and they help us find peace and connection.

Cindy

[RJay]

@gemswinc
Suzanne Giesmann seems to think that spirits find it very easy to interact with electrical items so I will certainly pay attention to what the television does!
I’ve just finished reading Quantum Physics and Spirituality by Jake K Adkins which was a really interesting read. Science definitely supports what we are experiencing. In fact quantum physics predicts that absolutely anything is possible and with the right abilities we can largely control our destiny.
It seems like a fantasy world but the more I think about it the more it makes sense.

As Kyle Gray constantly tells us, we need to raise our ‘vibes’. Raising your energy level takes you to a higher level of consciousness where things become possible. Some days though it’s a real challenge and that’s a skill I have to learn.

[gemswinc]

@RJay I’m not sure anything is possible, but I am a fan of quantum physics and will check out the book. Agreed, maintaining a clear, higher level of consciousness is a task. I wish you clear signs of your loved one! Cindy ( gemswinc is gravity, electromagnetism, strong force, weak force inc. I was a fan of finding a grand unification theory, which seems now, to have gone by the wayside )

[RJay]

@gemswinc
If you understand the Grand Unification Theory then this book might be a bit basic for you. I have to admit that when I was at college I didn’t really grasp Quantum Physics, it all seemed rather unlikely. I realise now that at the time I had no reason to doubt the reality of this world. Now, however, I’m fairly convinced that we live in a sophisticated virtual world and consequently Quantum Physics makes perfect sense. The book therefore served as a useful revision for me and extended the concept into spiritual beliefs which seems logical.
He touches on Energy Healing which is of particular interest to me because I have a painful hip which limits my mobility. So my ambition in this research is to contact my wife and a fixed hip. Not much to ask!